THE LONELY SOLDIER: POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER IN THE KENYA DEFENCE FORCES.

I HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER BUT BLOOD TEARS TOIL AND SWEAT.

Laying on my back wide awake in my camp bed.

A Million thoughts racing through my mind.

As the night covers the once bright  sky 

Fear sets in

The smell of my bandaged leg  makes me gag

Afraid to close my eyes lest the enemy attack .

but at the same time too afraid to fall a sleep.

Its one thing to live a nightmare during the day.

Its pure torture to re-live your day in your dream.

The only peace of mind i get is when exhaustion consumes me and i black out

Or when i have reached my body's alcohol  limit .

Which i seem to do  often.

Looking back,

If i knew this job would take this much away from me,

I would have  not signed up.

By the time  i made the realization it was already to late to turn back.

So i accept my mission and carry out my orders. 

Some days i wish to be in a different body .

So that i am free of the pain and free of my actions.

Some days i wish to be happy and when i am.

Something inside me screams you don't deserve it. 

My road feels unbearably lonely.

Those that know what it is like are fighting their own demons .

Those i love Only scratch the surface .

For if i gave them  the details they might hate me for my actions.  

Often i wonder if you think about me when i am all alone.

The lack of communication means your better off with out me.

Some days i laugh it off and allow the darkness to consume me.

Ashamed that i have acquired a taste for the rush of it all .

I am not who i once was .

I barely recognize myself

I am a shell filled with DARKNESS.

I need your love.

I need your help but where do i begin. 

SK

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MISCONCEPTIONS OF MARRIAGE TODAY

THE HAPPILY EVER AFTER DISASTER

SIMILAR POSTS;

• the-power-of-talk-therapy
• marriage love-is-not-bed-of-roses
• a-couples-take-on-love
• what-i-wish-i-was-told-before-moving-in
• she-loved-so-much-that-she-lost-herself

 The both learnt  about love at an early age she idealized Cinderella and he watched how his parent's treated each other .

Along the way their friends influenced their decision on what love was .Music and  movies  gave  them the illusion of what was acceptable and what was normal.

All the while carrying  ,what was traditionally accepted .Not forgetting the lessons they learnt from passed relationships
However at this time. They found each other and decided they had met their soul mates. Their better half.   Like a fairy tale she wore white and walked down the isle and they exchanged vows.
Perfectly safe in there own bubble of love .
All they saw was each other .
All that mattered was that they had each other.
The days past and the feelings settled.They  found comfort in the flow of things.

Until the morning they woke up on separate sides of the bed .
With a thick wall of ice between them and  they  realized that this was  what the rest of there life would be and Realized it was the biggest mistake of their life.

MISCONCEPTIONS

• Happily ever after.   

People assume the best and over look the human aspect of flaw. We are all human and it is UN realistic to expect that marriage means that you will spend the rest of your life in bliss and happiness

• People change after marriage.

Marriage is not a cure for behavior. if anything marriage highlights behavior as the vows show permanence in most cases people stop pretending and show you who they really are 

• Love is all you need.

Once you love someone you will always love them. However over time the question becomes i love them but to what degree ?  what am i willing to give up without expecting anything in return?  and as time goes although you may love them the feeling either grows or diminishes based on how you treat each other. So many people leave relationships not because they hate each other but because love was not the only thing needed

• Marriage makes you closer to your partner

The permanence of marriage doesn't mean  you will automatically become close. Especially if one person is used to more independence than the other and they may feel suffocated and want more space and time to themselves

• You and your partner are now a unit and not individuals.

Being married doesn't men that you have to forget who you are and choose to be someone different . If anything loosing your identity and giving up too much can lead to resentment . Be a united front where it matters but allow yourselves to be free to be individuals.

• Getting married will solve issues of trust and insecurity.

You have no business getting married if this is one of the reasons why you are  getting married. pre-marital counseling is  key . build on trust and ease all insecurities before you make the decision to marry

• kids improve a marriage

Kids change the whole dynamic of a marriage .it does bring you closer. However having kids  is  to create a family and not to solve a problem

• Your partners job is to make you happy

You are in charge of your own happiness . Depending  on someone else to make you happy will only make you more depressed.

• You can continue your social life as is

Going out till three in the morning . having people over whenever you want. Are some of the things that should change first because now you have to adjust your social life in a way hat accommodate your partner . by doing this you allow for both of you to co exist as a unit but are both free to be your own people.

• Submission and power struggles

Every man hides behind submission  however not everyone understands the kind of submission needed and instructed of married people. most people us e submission as a key to dominate oppress and justify actions . The bibles clearly states that a woman is a mans helper and that she was created out of mans rib .We live at a time where both man and woman have to carry their own weight to help bring up a family and as  a result we have to understand  a womans role in submission

• Marriage is easy and doesn't need work.

Marriage is the hardest job you will sign up for . However it has the most rewards .Nothing meaningful comes without trouble its your job to ensure the trouble doesn't sink your boat

• Your spouse should automatically be your best friend

Expecting your spouse to be your best friend is expected however their is a difference . because ether occupy a space in your life that is like no other however counting on them to fulfill their role s partner and meet your every need is impossible and is asking too much of them

• Getting to know your spouse happens before marriage.

While dating we present our best behaviors and over time we stop pretending and show our true selves . That aside marriage brings new dynamics and we adjust ti new problems and solve new situations and this is where we learn lot more. never think you know it all.

Take your time . There is no rush  When the time comes do your best get enough help and do what you vowed to do .

DISCOVERING MY SEXUALITY. (PART 1 the bisexual)

SEXUALITY IS ONLY ATTRACTIVE WHEN ITS NATURAL AND SPONTANEOUS MARILYN MONROE

IN THE BEGINNING

We played with barbie and left out ken.

So on that day  we both played barbie
She kissed my lips and we giggled after.

She was my first.

She was a girl ! could i like a girl?

We swore not to talk about it and let it fade away........

HALFWAY THERE 

It was summer break .

He was cool and i was shy .

He was older and much taller.

He held my hand it made me blush .

On the night we met out late .

He held my hand and led me down the lane.

Butterfly's in my tummy that ran down my Spine to my legs .

A feeling that i had never experienced .

He held me close and with  a gaze so intense it drew me in.

I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent a scent i Love to this very day.

His warm lips and the caress of his tongue 

I felt  a heat i never knew existed.

His touch warmed me and consumed me .

I craved it.

He too was my first......

UNEXPECTED ENCOUNTER

I met her the first day of collage .
we became friends and even started to share a room..

She liked girls.
She ignited a spark i had left to lay dormant.
She was the feeling of ice on a hot summer s day
She quenched my thirst and held my hand .
In her i felt safe and secure
She was like me.
She knew what it was like to be a female and she understood me.

She knew i liked boys but she didnt mind .
 When i felt conflicted .
She said it was ok to be with her and be with him as well.
That's how its been all these years

SUMMER STARS

IT IS WITHIN HERSELF SHE WILL FIND THE STRENGTH SHE NEEDS

You can never keep a good woman down

Fires on her hilltop, Rings of thorns surrounding her

Sharp eyes and a sharper mind that clocks

Her time the world’s place, her body deemed for seasonal changes

She nestles the quiet in the raging storms

Dances in the rain to the whistle of the drizzle

Swiftly beating into thundering rain drops

Still, her movements casting shadows

She is elated for the fresh breath of air, Lucky Lucy

Little is her luck, the residue of her diligence,

Kindred to a pound of gold

The gods must be smiling down at her

See, it’s been a dry March, a harsh April and a cold May

But this woman’s work was never done

Her toils now reaping bounty

Yet her loaded wagon makes no noise.

While one swallow does not make the summer

She is ecstatic that she can make out the constellations

Her time is now

You could never keep her down

Written by Mercy Eni Wandera http://mercyonmeweb.com

PERINATAL LOSS / LOSS OF A CHILD

 CHILD LOSS IS NOT A N EVENT IT IS AN INDESCRIBABLE JOURNEY OF SURVIVAL
see my post on it-is-ok-to-cry
 dealing-with-loss. 

You felt me before i knew you.

I loved you when i felt you.

You changed my life and gave me a new tittle.

Being your mother is truly a gift 

You became a part of me and will always be.

You comforted me when i was sad and moved to show your concern.

You danced when i laughed .

We shared this body and in you i learnt to love.

A love i cannot describe .

A feeling i cannot express

I dreamt of the day i would meet you.

I made plans for you .

Not knowing God had different plans for you. 

Our journey was cut short 

I had to let you go .

I carried you for every second of your life and i will carry you for the rest of mine.

Nobody will ever understand the feelings i have 

Nobody will understand our connection  but i feel you .

I love you 

I think about you 

Although it hurts  and most days i find myself crying .

At the sight of other children playing .

I know you are playing with the angels .

One day i will be able to play with you .

The looks of pity.

The silent whispers.

The false understanding those saying sorry seem to have.

Nobody truly knows what it is like 

and i pray that they never do,

So as the days go by and the pain fades away.

Watch over me and be my little angel as you have always been

I will always be your mum and i will always be a mom even when they say i am  not.

TSM

YOU ME AND THE STARS

Looking up, at the stars. 
On those late night's.
Where my early mornings, bring me longings.
For those late nights, holding you by side.
The sound of your voice ,echoing across the open space.
 
Where my longing turns to belonging.
Free of the past .Free in the present .
Free to have a future.
No longer held back .
Free to be.

For near or far the stars remain.
Under the stars we shall remain.
 
Just as the sun comes up to shine and the stars take a rest.
Your beauty remains even in absence.

So as the mornings ,bring me longings of those late nights . 
I shall remember ,"The beauty of the stars is that although they are far away they can still be felt"