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Untold lives of woman, is a woman's journey on the path life has set her on.
A blog about factors that affect the lives of women and where you can find inspiration.
The Un edited side of "life ".Where there is beauty in imperfection and knowing that through the support and wisdom we share with each other .We will help improve not only our own lives but the lives of generations to come.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017



Dan Oswald said,''communication must be H.O.T that means ,Honest ,Open and Two way. 
Being in a relationship can be draining . Especially if you cannot meet eye to eye on different issues. To meet someone and fall in love is simple and happens often.

However falling in love with someone and choosing to stay them and whether all the storms that come your way together is something that fewer and fewer people are willing to do 

One thing i can vouch for, above everything i have learnt ,about relationships is that.
Their is nothing more fulfilling than having a heart-filled conversation ,and being able to look at the person lovingly at the end of it all. For years i suffered the curse of bad communication and i made alot of mistakes ,based on the fact that i never understood  alot ,about our relationship .As well as ,realizing how much i had assumed and how much i had mis-interpreted. which was not the case .

However ,after we sat down and realized we love each other and will always want to be involved in each others lives .We started talking and now we talk about everything . We talk more now ,than we did when we met.
Communication in a relationship is extremely important because it acts as the judge, jury and executioner who has the final say on whether your relationship lives or dies. 

 Today the biggest problem in all forms of relationships is that .When it comes to communicating each others needs ,people don't listen to understand what is being said. They listen to reply and they miss out on what was actually being said..

Being able to communicate effectively can also stop needless arguments which occur regularly in your relationships.If  you keep on fighting about the same things.Its because you both have not listened and dealt with the issue in the first place .The only way you can heal each other is by listening to the needs of each other.

Listening is a very important part of effective communication. A good listener can encourage their partner to talk openly and honestly.To create a conducive environment for open communication you can;-
  • keep comfortable eye contact (where culturally appropriate)
  • lean towards the other person and make gestures to show interest and concern
  • have an open, non-defensive, fairly relaxed posture with your arms and legs uncrossed
  • face the other person – don’t sit or stand sideways
  • sit or stand on the same level to avoid looking up to or down on the other person
  • avoid distracting gestures such as fidgeting with a pen, glancing at papers, or tapping your feet or fingers
  • be aware that physical barriers, noise or interruptions will make good communication difficult. Mute telephones or other communication devices to ensure you are really listening
  • let the other person speak without interruption
  • show genuine attention and interest
  • use assertive statements like ‘I feel …. about …’, ‘What I need is…’
  • be aware of your tone.speak clear and calmly
  • be prepared to take time out if you are feeling really angry about something. It might be better to calm down before you address the issue
  • ask for feedback from the other person on your listening.

Open and clear communication can be learnt. (We are human and our brains can be trained to do anything.)
Some people find it hard to talk and may need time and encouragement to express their views. These people may be good listeners, or they may be people whose actions speak louder than their words.

You can help to improve your communication by:
  • building companionship – sharing experiences, interests and concerns with your partner, and showing affection and appreciation.
  • sharing intimacy – intimacy is not only a sexual connection. Intimacy is created by having moments of feeling close and attached to your partner. It means being able to comfort and be comforted, and to be open and honest. An act of intimacy can be as simple as bringing your partner a cup of tea because you can tell they are tired
  • being on the same page as your partner. It’s important that you and your partner are both in agreement on key issues in your relationship, such as how finances are distributed, what key goals you have and your parenting styles. 
To improve the way you communicate, start by asking questions such as:
  • What things cause conflict between you and your partner? Are they because you are not listening to each other?
  • What things bring you happiness and feelings of connection?
  • What things cause you disappointment and pain?
  • What things don’t you talk about and what stops you talking about them?
  • How would you like your communication with your partner to be different?
If possible, ask these questions with your partner and share your responses. Consider, and try, ways to communicate differently. See whether the results improve your communication. When you are more aware of how you communicate, you will be able to have more control over what happens between you. While it may not be easy at first, opening up new areas of communication can lead to a more fulfilling relationship.
  • Avoid using the silent treatment.
  • Don’t jump to conclusions. Find out all the facts rather than guessing at motives.
  • Discuss what actually happened. Don’t judge.
  • Learn to understand each other, not to defeat each other.
  • Talk using the future and present tense, not the past tense.
  • Concentrate on the major problem, and don’t get distracted by other minor problems.
  • Talk about the problems that hurt your or your partner’s feelings, then move on to problems about differences in opinions.
  • Use ‘I feel’ statements, not ‘You are’ statements.
One thing you have to realize in relationships is that if one person looses you both loose out.
if one person is upset the house becomes hard to be in. 
if one person is not satisfied they cannot satisfy you.
 if one person is not happy it is the beginning of disaster.



Friday, October 6, 2017



BOOK TO READ marriage as God intended by Sewyn  Hughes

(see my posts on embrace-glorious-mess-that-you-are.    marriagelove-is-not-bed-of-roses.html

It's one thing to be lonely when you are single, wondering if and when God will ever bring the right guy. It's another matter for your heart to ache with loneliness when the "right guy" is living in your home and sleeping in your bed. If this is your reality, please know that you are not alone. Behind the facade of family life, many married men and women are lonely.

Being married offers no protection from the dangers of loneliness .

Studies indicate that roughly 20% of the general population suffers from chronic loneliness at any given time, and in one recent study of older adults, 62.5% of people who reported being lonely were married and living with their partner.

Although we might believe marriage can insulate us from the ravages of loneliness, which is not the case. Loneliness is determined by the quality of our relationships not their just by whether we happen to be living with a spouse. Loneliness in marriage often happens slowly, as the disconnection we feel from our spouse gradually increases over years.

At some point, discussions about mutual interests, and goals and dreams cease entirely and conversations become purely transnational“ We need milk,” “Your mother called,” or “Did you remember to pay the this or that bill?”or focused exclusively on parenting .We also fall into daily routines that foster emotional distance .

One person watches television in the evening while the other is on the computer, or one goes to bed at 9 pm and wakes at 5 am while the other goes to bed at midnight and wakes at 8 am. In short, we lose the love and the affection but stay in the marriage; ironically, often out of a fear of being lonely, although by doing so, we potentially doom ourselves to the very loneliness we were trying to avoid

Loneliness is the deepest ache our souls can experience. The grief of losing a loved one, the fear of abandonment, and the sting of rejected love all tap into the same bedrock (fear): I am all alone.

Feeling lonely in marriage allows for doubt and subtle lies we've believed—lies like:  If only you find "Prince Charming," you'll never have to be alone.

If you are in this place of marital loneliness, then you are facing a fork in the road. Before you is a choice: What will you do with your sadness, disillusionment, and fear? Will you run away from God or run to him? My advice to you is ,know that he is always there for us .Run to him and asks him for the strength to whether the storm

Marriage books are filled with advice on how to bridge the chasm between you and your spouse. Working to resolve conflicts, finding common interests, and learning to date your husband are all practical suggestions that can make a difference in your marriage. However, there are some situations which no strategies appear to make a difference. It may even seem like you are destined to merely share space and live as distant roommates.


Loneliness distorts how we see the other person and makes us devalue our relationships. We perceive others as less caring, less interested, and less committed than they actually are, and we judge our relationships to be weaker and less satisfying than it is.

In an effort to protect ourselves from even further emotional hurt, we become hyper-alert to any signs of rejection we read into everything the other person does or says .As a result—and often without realizing we’re doing it, become overly defensive and come across as detached, aloof, or even hostile, which only pushes them further away

We typically wouldn’t think that loneliness is a condition that requires urgent intervention, but we should. In addition to the emotional anguish loneliness creates, it puts us at risk for depression and anxiety and causes us to distort our perceptions such that we view ourselves, our lives, and our relationships more negatively


How to Combat Loneliness

1. Take the initiative. If you’re lonely, chances are your partner is, too. But they are also probably trapped in a cycle of emotional disconnection and feel helpless to break it. Try to initiate conversations. (See "How to Validate Someone’s Emotions.") Don’t expect them to reciprocate right away, as habits take time to change, but after a few gestures of goodwill they will likely return the favor.

2. Create shared experiences. If your spouse is in the other room watching their favorite show, sit next to them .They may be confused, suspicious, or both, but just be sincere and try to see the show through their eyes, even if it’s not your thing You can also suggest certain activities that require little effort  such as walks, cooking a meal together, watching  old videos .Reminding yourselves of more connected times), or writing a letter.

3. Practice taking their perspective. The longer  you have been in a relationship the more we tend to assume we know what the other person is thinking. But it is not so. We actually have to close our eyes and focus for a few minutes (not seconds) on the other person’s perspective, imagining their world and their point of view within it. Gaining a greater understanding of their  thoughts and feelings this allows you to express more sympathy and understanding toward them—in turn, deepening your mutual bond

4 .Re-create moments. Nothing can bring sparks back in a relationship like e-living a moment ir going back to a place where you had an amazing experience, where the love and passion was alive. Relationships are an investment and you need to keep investing time and effort to ensure its longevity

5.Create new memories. Memories last a lifetime don’t miss out on the new just because your in a bd place make every moment memorable.


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