MISCONCEPTIONS OF MARRIAGE TODAY

THE HAPPILY EVER AFTER DISASTER

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 The both learnt  about love at an early age she idealized Cinderella and he watched how his parent's treated each other .

Along the way their friends influenced their decision on what love was .Music and  movies  gave  them the illusion of what was acceptable and what was normal.

All the while carrying  ,what was traditionally accepted .Not forgetting the lessons they learnt from passed relationships
However at this time. They found each other and decided they had met their soul mates. Their better half.   Like a fairy tale she wore white and walked down the isle and they exchanged vows.
Perfectly safe in there own bubble of love .
All they saw was each other .
All that mattered was that they had each other.
The days past and the feelings settled.They  found comfort in the flow of things.

Until the morning they woke up on separate sides of the bed .
With a thick wall of ice between them and  they  realized that this was  what the rest of there life would be and Realized it was the biggest mistake of their life.

MISCONCEPTIONS

• Happily ever after.   

People assume the best and over look the human aspect of flaw. We are all human and it is UN realistic to expect that marriage means that you will spend the rest of your life in bliss and happiness

• People change after marriage.

Marriage is not a cure for behavior. if anything marriage highlights behavior as the vows show permanence in most cases people stop pretending and show you who they really are 

• Love is all you need.

Once you love someone you will always love them. However over time the question becomes i love them but to what degree ?  what am i willing to give up without expecting anything in return?  and as time goes although you may love them the feeling either grows or diminishes based on how you treat each other. So many people leave relationships not because they hate each other but because love was not the only thing needed

• Marriage makes you closer to your partner

The permanence of marriage doesn't mean  you will automatically become close. Especially if one person is used to more independence than the other and they may feel suffocated and want more space and time to themselves

• You and your partner are now a unit and not individuals.

Being married doesn't men that you have to forget who you are and choose to be someone different . If anything loosing your identity and giving up too much can lead to resentment . Be a united front where it matters but allow yourselves to be free to be individuals.

• Getting married will solve issues of trust and insecurity.

You have no business getting married if this is one of the reasons why you are  getting married. pre-marital counseling is  key . build on trust and ease all insecurities before you make the decision to marry

• kids improve a marriage

Kids change the whole dynamic of a marriage .it does bring you closer. However having kids  is  to create a family and not to solve a problem

• Your partners job is to make you happy

You are in charge of your own happiness . Depending  on someone else to make you happy will only make you more depressed.

• You can continue your social life as is

Going out till three in the morning . having people over whenever you want. Are some of the things that should change first because now you have to adjust your social life in a way hat accommodate your partner . by doing this you allow for both of you to co exist as a unit but are both free to be your own people.

• Submission and power struggles

Every man hides behind submission  however not everyone understands the kind of submission needed and instructed of married people. most people us e submission as a key to dominate oppress and justify actions . The bibles clearly states that a woman is a mans helper and that she was created out of mans rib .We live at a time where both man and woman have to carry their own weight to help bring up a family and as  a result we have to understand  a womans role in submission

• Marriage is easy and doesn't need work.

Marriage is the hardest job you will sign up for . However it has the most rewards .Nothing meaningful comes without trouble its your job to ensure the trouble doesn't sink your boat

• Your spouse should automatically be your best friend

Expecting your spouse to be your best friend is expected however their is a difference . because ether occupy a space in your life that is like no other however counting on them to fulfill their role s partner and meet your every need is impossible and is asking too much of them

• Getting to know your spouse happens before marriage.

While dating we present our best behaviors and over time we stop pretending and show our true selves . That aside marriage brings new dynamics and we adjust ti new problems and solve new situations and this is where we learn lot more. never think you know it all.

Take your time . There is no rush  When the time comes do your best get enough help and do what you vowed to do .

MARRIAGE/LOVE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES

LOVE IS LIKE A ROSE” TO PICK THE ROSE AND ENJOY HER BEAUTY” YOU MUST ENDURE THE SUFFERING OF HER THORNS.

I believe marriage/love like,  life is defined as much by the problems that have to be overcome together, as a husband and wife or as partners.Many a times .We are not prepared or warned about what will come up and our reactions or the actions of the other person tends to cripple the relationship.

Marriage/love is not always a bed of roses. In every relationship, there are ups and downs. It is not always perfect and conflict free. It is about confronting .These issues and overcoming them without hurting the other party.

This is possibly one of the things that are hard to achieve.Marriage/relationships are not a stroll down Easy road.It is more like a bumpy drive,through Traits and Weakness . It is difficult because, it is the bonding together of two limited and imperfect human beings.That is what we forget to remember, we are both human and we are both flawed.

 Becoming one does not mean becoming the same. Oneness only means, sharing the same degree of commitment to the marriage, having the goals, dreams, and mission in life as a couple.That is what we struggle through because ,we have to let go of what we know we have to let go of some aspects that do not fit into the union and those are the growing pains that cripple people.The issues that remain unresolved come back again and again until they’re resolved and worked out Achieving internal conformity comes with engaging in unselfish acts like;

• ·         Build respect and self-love. Developing love and respect for one’s self contributes to building a healthy relationship with a partner.  Sometimes we’re blessed with partners who have an abundance of Self-confidence and can help us to cultivate this quality within ourselves.  At other times we need to look inside to find the qualities we love about ourselves.  A good partner will help us to find our best qualities and build our self-esteem. 
• ·         Make a best friend and coach of your mate. Our mates may be the only people who will be honest with us when we have muck on our faces.  While others might ignore it or walk away, our partners will say, “honey, clean your face.”  Our partner is usually the one who knows us better than anyone else and if we listen to their feedback, he or she can help us become better people.
• ·         Listen and affirm. One of the biggest issues in relationships is a lack of effective communication. While most couples communicate all the time through slamming doors, yelling, criticizing and complaining, this kind of communication is destructive.  Good communication means really listening to a partner in the same way we might listen to a dear friend.  With a friend we seek to understand. We will sit and listen patiently and often repeat back some of the things they’ve said to let them know we’ve heard and understood.  “I feel like you don’t pay attention,” a mate may say.  Repeating, “I understand that you don’t feel like I pay attention,” may be a good way to connect and move into deeper understanding. But this must be done with sincerity and heart.
• ·         Be attentive, not defensive. It’s easy to fall into the blame game where both parties start to blame the other for how they’re acting.  Make a concerted effort to step out of this, take responsibility for actions and move into a softer more receptive space rather than onto defensive terrain where the language can sometime turn brutal.  By stepping back just a little and taking the ego out of play, the barrier to real connection falls away and a door to a sincere, heartfelt connection opens.
• ·         Make the first move to improve. If you’re willing to make a change for the better, but your mate isn’t on board, then don’t be deterred.  Go ahead and follow your agenda. Listen and affirm.  Be attentive; stop criticizing and hold good intentions and thoughts about your mate and your partnership. By simply making changes in yourself and your actions and attitudes, the world around will change too. 

·  Relationships are investments you commit to conform uniformly and the process of unification is what is the hardest .The most important thing is to make sure the person you choose to embark on this journey is the kind of person you are willing to change it all for that way it is not a struggle or a sacrifice but it becomes a willing choice you would happily do over again and again with until you get it right.
Live< Love ,Learn and never stop Dreaming.
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