INTRO

Untold lives of woman, is a woman's journey on the path life has set her on.
A blog about factors that affect the lives of women and where you can find inspiration.
The Un edited side of "life ".Where there is beauty in imperfection and knowing that through the support and wisdom we share with each other .We will help improve not only our own lives but the lives of generations to come.

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Sunday, May 22, 2016

LOVE EVERYTHING THAT MAKES YOU AFRICAN

PART2 I AM MORE THAN JUST THE COLOUR OF MY SKIN
Sources Youtube video history of black hair by rEdward chime and Wiki story of Saartjie Baartman

african history from before bantu, cushite and nilote
 The topic of African hair in general, can be very controversial ,and after a friend of mine sent me a screenshot. Of a post that was asking people, to Google images of professional hair, and after you see the results Google images of unprofessional hair. The results of the first search shows that professional  hair is  Caucasian (wavy or straight) hair and unprofessional hair is African (kinky curly or locked) hair which didn’t come as a shock to me.

Let me give you a short history lesson ,on African hair .African hair is hair that is found on people
 with African decent it is either curly or kinky.

African’s throughout history. Were subjected to harsh treatment, because the white man did not understand black people and treated them as if they were just like animal’s. The sin’s of which, we pay for, this very day. We don’t see the colour of our skin as beauty! instead we opt to lighten our skin on this quest fo . What we perceive to be beauty . We don’t see the uniqueness of our hair as beauty ,  but instead are the largest consumers of human hair . The sources of which are highly questionable. (I would Urge you to research before you opt for human hair extensions.)We buy Caucasian hair which is straight or wavy. (but undergoes processing to get it to various looks and textures) yet we get offended, when we see posts like the unprofessional hair. Talk about double standards. Nobody will appreciate us until we learn to appreciate our selves. We have  fallen for all that we were told and we are comfortable with it.


 When Africans were sold as slaves they were put in
chains, stripped naked to demoralize them. Told that they where the lowest form of human .They were then  not allowed to communicate in their native language nor allowed to sing or perform rituals as they did back at home. In an effort to strip them of their culture and history .Which has worked perfectly African Americans barely know anything about their past before they were slaves. African women, were told to shave their hair and not to style it as they once did. They were then denied styling tools .
Which made their once beautifully styled hair become a real mess and the term dread locks came about because the hair looked dreadful .Little did they know that in Africa some tribes did their hair that way and unluckily people who put locks on their hair to this day are looked at as rebels forcing many people to cut them off when seeking formal employment.

Lupita Nyongo pulled off  this very hairstyle at the 2016 Metz gala, and the press claimed the hair was adapted from a famous designer where as  it was taken from the hair of Vernon Fran├žoise .A style that women from central and western Africa wore.
 This is not the first or last time that African lifestyles ,ideas or ways of life have been used edited and stripped of the fact that they were African so as to look like they were or are western concepts. We as Africans are special we are the root of humanity and I think that is why for so long we have been oppressed so that we don’t see the power within us or utilize our resources from our continent.

The story of Saartjie Baartman is a story of a woman taken into slavery from Cape Town South Africa to France. Where she was displayed in various human zoo’s because of her curves which was considered abnormal and as a result of all her hardships later died a lonely death. Little did she know she would later inspire the stiffs worn under the garments of women in the Victorian Error and now the obsession of women having a “Big booty”.  The sad thing is just like various women in history whose hardships in life changed history and little is done to acknowledge them and the likes of Kim Kardashian take the Credit for making curves fashionable .Yet Africans have been living with it and people like Saatjie Baartman who were displayed in human  zoo’s because they were considered abnormal their lives go Untold and uncredited.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

#DEARKENYANS

 FOR THE LOVE OF KENYA

   Black for the people.
  White for peace.
  Red for the blood that was shed ,and still continues to be shed for our country.
  Green for our land .Our rich resources.
  The shield and spear represent the defense for our freedom.

Dear Kenyans. For the love that is the Kenyan spirit.For all that we love about Kenya the heart of Africa.

Only in Kenya, can a lion take a walk out of the park And instead of Kenyans going into panic.Create memes that make the long day at work more bearable.After all isn't laughter is the best Medicine.
Kenya the home of the worlds greatest sportsmen and women.
Where you can  find climate so good ,cultures so rich ,beautiful people and beautiful scenery rich in wildlife.
 The new home to ,who come and never want to leave.Yet we fail to see how blessed we are.Where  you will find strangers bonding over a nice cold beer or two who later End up buddies for life because the turn up Is just too real. (For lack of a word to show just how amazing a night out in Kenya can be.)

Only in Kenya, can you find a people so united that they create trends to speak up on whatever they feel is wrong. When a Kenyan has had enough they have had enough  #KenyansOnTwitter.who have made organizations fly in, and apologize directly to the president .For comments that portrayed Kenya in a negative light,and was found disrespectful to Kenyan people.(don't mess with Kenyans attitude)

Only in Kenya ,do you find people who will put their own issues aside. To help out a fellow Kenyan and we have seen it over and over when we donate money, clothing, food and even blood whenever it is asked of us.
Where you will find people ,bonding over Maina and Kingangi in the morning .The intense conversations that make you turn to the person right next to you and have a conversation because that is who we are .We may have  a tough shell ,but we do love a good time and we love it when our country is at peace.
When tragedy strikes you will always see the patriotism in the Kenyan people .When our tourism sector was doing bad and the western country's said Kenya is not safe Kenyans took it upon themselves to be a source of income for our tourism sector not because we are all rich but because we love our country too much.The list is endless.

When everyone thought 5 years ago .That we would see a repeat of the post election violence 2007 .We proved them wrong. When we all united ,to vote in a unlikely duo UhuRuto two people who were at the international criminal court and where being charged for crimes against humanity Who were later acquitted of the charges filled against them.We stood up as one people, because we believed in them and voted them into power.If that doesn't show you how strong willed we are i don't know what will.
However,all of what we love about Kenya is at risk of being destroyed. Unless  we all standup and say enough is enough and say no to violence or in this case peaceful demonstrations that only leave us looking like primitive barbarians in the eyes of the western world, and leave us at the hands of police .
Who are on orders to disperse the crowds of people at any cost.Protests that are called by politicians who sit behind mahogany desks and big leather chairs  cars and houses that cost enough to fund a whole village for more than a generation.Politicians who are willing to pay your hospital bill but not stand with you on these streets of Nairobi.During a protest they called. Can we focus on our lives and not the lives of people who do not care about us and are on there own personal vendettas. 

As children we were all taught our national anthem and made to sing it during assembly,and throughout our lives we continue to learn about the rich history of Kenya if not make new history can we go back to our roots and learn to live the words of our anthem can we be like we were when we first learnt .you are a Kenyan your country is Kenya and love or your country is patriotism in those standard 1 G.H.C books where we learnt the struggle for freedom and why it is important for us to do everything in our power to ensure it remains that way.



Kiswahili
English
1
1
Ee Mungu nguvu yetu
Ilete baraka kwetu
Haki iwe ngao na mlinzi
Natukae na undugu
Amani na uhuru
Raha tupate na ustawi.
O God of all creation
Bless this our land and nation
Justice be our shield and defender
May we dwell in unity
Peace and liberty
Plenty be found within our borders.
2
2
Amkeni ndugu zetu
Tufanye sote bidii
Nasi tujitoe kwa nguvu
Nchi yetu ya Kenya
Tunayoipenda
Tuwe tayari kuilinda
Let one and all arise
With hearts both strong and true
Service be our earnest endeavor
And our homeland of Kenya
Heritage of splendor
Firm may we stand to defend.
3
3
Natujenge taifa letu
Ee, ndio wajibu wetu
Kenya istahili heshima
Tuungane mikono
Pamoja kazini
Kila siku tuwe na shukrani
Let all with one accord
In common bond united
Build this our nation together
And the glory of Kenya
The fruit of our labor
Fill every heart with thanksgiving.


Friday, May 13, 2016

WHAT SOCIETY EXPECTS ISN'T NECESSARILY CORRECT

CHANGE BECAUSE YOU WANT TO NOT BECAUSE SOCIETY EXPECTS IT OF YOU.

I am learning to  love myself and its the hardest thing i have ever had to do.Not because i dont love me,but because i know the good and the bad parts.Accepting yourself fully requires the acceptance of who you are and what you are not.                                                                                                                                                   You cant lie to yourself and  although you can runaway from a situation you  cant runaway from yourself.This is me fighting to take back my life so i can be ok with being me.I love me and i don't need to justify the parts i dont like about myself. To be ok. I need to be comfortable with who i am and be true to myself.

Society is harsh the expectations are unrealistic .We put up fake fronts to fit in. Pamela Mayer explains that the insecurities we have within us are the ones that we shield the most or get most defensive about hence we often pretend to be what we are not to cover up what we find weakest within us. These fake fronts are what society considers norms. Making me ask myself is society  capable of accepting us  for who we really are.

 For example feeling inadequate when your only 20 because your not wearing the latest fashions or when you are forced by the influence of the media that to be beautiful you have to cover yourself up with a layer of makeup or the new trend of life where you post your life on social media to show that your life isnt as boring.
Let me ask a question when was the one time you had the most fun in your life and do you have photographic poof?
If the answer is no its probably because you where having way too much fun to even care to take a picture and if the answer is yes ill be bold enough to say the photo was taken by someone who was having relatively less of a good time.

In conclusion. I would like to say, you need to accept who you are and for where you fall short accept it. If its possible to make a change do it.Do it because it will make you better not because it is what is  expected of you there is no need to live a unhappy life when you have one life to live. People who live that way are the most unhappy people and they will not show it because they never want people to notice where  they fall short and often than not those are the people who appear to have it all,sadly younger generations dont now better and think that is how life is meant to be lived. Most people rarely show you who they really are and when they finally do it may come as a shock but you better believe them
.Be brave enough to be yourself because the world already has too many copy cats be an original.be you  Nobody on this earth is perfect and pretending to be perfect only makes us part of the problem.
We all have our own loads to carry. What sets us apart is how we choose to carry them.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

CONTEMPORARY / MODERN DAY SLAVERY.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SLAVERY THEN AND SLAVERY NOW IS THAT THEY TOOK OFF THE PHYSICAL CHAINS
sources; Wikipedia,Google Images,US Department of State diplomacy of state.


Brief history lesson
From the 7th to the 20th century, Arab Muslims raided and traded for black African slaves in West, Central, and East Africa, sending thousands of slaves each year to North Africa and parts of Asia.

 From the 15th to the 19th century, Europeans bought millions of slaves in West, Central, and East Africa and sent them to Europe; the Caribbean; and North, Central, and South America. This made the slave trade central to the economies of many African states and threatened many more Africans with enslavement.
In1948  after much protest the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, was drafted and it stated "No one shall be held in slavery or servitude.However, Slavery did not end with its abolition in the 19th century.It instead took on different Forms.

Modern day slavery
Definitions of modern-day slavery are mainly taken from the 1956 UN supplementary convention, which says:
 "debt bondage, serfdom, forced marriage and the delivery of a child for the exploitation of that child are all slavery-like practices and require criminalisation and abolishment". The 1930 Forced Labour Convention defines forced labour as "all work or service which is exacted from any person under the menace of any penalty and for which the said person has not offered himself voluntarily".

The practice still continues today in every country in the world. From women forced into prostitution, children and adults forced to work in agriculture, domestic work, or factories and sweatshops producing goods for global supply chains, entire families forced to work for nothing to pay off generational debts.
Here in Kenya. We see children going into the workforce early as a result of poverty, and end up being exploited,because there is nobody to stand up for them.We see young girls being married off early, as part of tradition or as  a means to an end ..Domestic workers are mistreated by there employees ,starved,underpayed or not paid at all ,beaten ,raped or even worse. However ,we are numb to these stories because they don't directly affect us or we are too afraid to stand up for them..In some parts of Africa children are used as child soldiers to terrorize villages.

 Estimates of the number of slaves today range from around 21 million to 26 million  people at any point in time.This estimate includes trafficking and other forms of modern slavery.(according to the UN's international Labour Organisation)

Its very ignorant of us to think that all is well. It is inhumane of us to let these injustices go unpunished and it is wrong for us to stay silent! and let people take advantage of human rights. We cant agree for people to amerce millions at the expense and lives of millions of under privileged people.

I recently had a conversation with a construction worker and after the conversation, i was embarrassed. He explained how people who construct some of these huge malls ,we love visiting. Loose there lives and the conditions they have to endure for MONEY . we are slaves to money sadly and the few of us who are lucky to have good jobs homes ,clothing and food to eat every night .Take it for granted. Listening to this man, made me see that although you know what is going on the reality is as long as it doesn't directly affect you or you are not aware of the situation' s they put up with allows us to be blissfully arrogant and we are OK with it.


Most of us think we are free but at the end of the day we are pawns helping someone else achieve there goals

Modern slavery is a multi billion-dollar industry with estimates of up to $35 billion generated annually. The United Nations estimates that roughly 27 to 30 million individuals are currently caught in the slave trade industry.The Global Slavery Index 2013 states that 10 nations account for 76 percent of the world's enslaved. India has the most slaves of any country, at 14 million (over 1% of the population). China has the second-largest number with 2.9 million slaves, followed by Pakistan with 2.1 million, Nigeria with 701,000, Ethiopia with 651,000, Russia with 516,000, Thailand with 473,000, Congo with 462,000, Myanmar with 384,000, and Bangladesh with 343,000.

Lets look at various  areas  modern day slavery is evident.

Forced Labor

Also known as involuntary servitude, forced labor occurs when employers exploit workers who are made more vulnerable by high rates of unemployment, poverty, crime, discrimination, corruption, political conflict, or even cultural acceptance of the practice. Immigrants are particularly vulnerable, but individuals also may be forced into labor in their own countries. Female victims of forced or bonded labor, especially women and girls in domestic servitude, are often sexually exploited as well.

Sex Trafficking
When an adult is coerced, forced, or deceived into prostitution or maintained in prostitution through coercion that person is a victim of trafficking. All of those involved in recruiting, transporting, harboring, receiving, or obtaining the person for that purpose have committed a trafficking crime. Sex trafficking can also occur within debt bondage, as women and girls are forced to continue in prostitution through the use of unlawful “debt” purportedly incurred through their transportation, recruitment, or even their crude “sale,” which exploiters insist they must pay off before they can be free.
It is critical to understand that a person’s initial consent to participate in prostitution is not legally determined if an individual is thereafter held in service through psychological manipulation or physical force, that person is a trafficking victim

Bonded Labor
One form of coercion is the use of a bond, or debt. Often referred to as “bonded labor” or “debt bondage,” the practice has long been prohibited as it is a form of trafficking in persons. Workers around the world fall victim to debt bondage when traffickers or recruiters unlawfully exploit an initial debt the worker assumed as part of the terms of employment. Workers may also inherit inter generational debt in more traditional systems of bonded labor.

Debt Bondage Among Migrant Laborers
Abuses of contracts and hazardous conditions employment for migrant laborers do not necessarily constitute human trafficking. However, the burden of illegal costs and debts on these laborers in the source country, often with the support of labor agencies and employers in the destination country, can contribute to a situation of debt bondage. This is often exacerbated when the worker’s status in the country is tied to the employer in the context of employment-based temporary work programs and there is no effective redress for abuse.

Involuntary Domestic Servitude
A unique form of forced labor is the involuntary servitude of domestic workers, whose workplace is informal, connected to their off-duty living quarters, and not often shared with other workers. Such an environment, which often socially isolates domestic workers, is conducive to non consensual exploitation since authorities cannot inspect private property as easily as formal workplaces. Investigators and service providers report many cases of untreated illnesses and, tragically, widespread sexual abuse, which in some cases may be symptoms of a situation of involuntary servitude. Ongoing international efforts seek to ensure that not only that administrative remedies are enforced but also that criminal penalties are enacted against those who hold others in involuntary domestic servitude.

Forced Child Labor
Most international organizations and national laws recognize that children may legally engage in certain forms of work. There is a growing consensus, however, that the worst forms of child labor should be eradicated. The sale and trafficking of children and their entrapment in bonded and forced labor are among these worst forms of child labor. A child can be a victim of human trafficking regardless of the location of that exploitation. Indicators of forced labor of a child include situations in which the child appears to be in the custody of a non-family member who has the child perform work that financially benefits someone outside the child’s family and does not offer the child the option of leaving. Anti-trafficking responses should supplement, not replace, traditional actions against child labor, such as remediation and education. However, when children are enslaved, their abusers should not escape criminal punishment by virtue of longstanding patters of limited responses to child labor practices rather than more effective law enforcement action.

Child Soldiers
Child soldiering can be a manifestation of human trafficking where it involves the unlawful recruitment or use of children—through force, fraud, or coercion—as combatants, or for labor or sexual exploitation by armed forces. Perpetrators may be government forces, paramilitary organizations, or rebel groups. Many children are forcibly abducted to be used as combatants. Others are made unlawfully to work as porters, cooks, guards, servants, messengers, or spies. Young girls can be forced to marry or have sex with male combatants. Both male and female child soldiers are often sexually abused and are at high risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases.

Child Sex Trafficking
According to UNICEF, as many as two million children are subjected to prostitution in the global commercial sex trade. International covenants and protocols obligate criminalization of the commercial sexual exploitation of children. The use of children in the commercial sex trade is prohibited under both U.S. law and the Palermo Protocol as well as by legislation in countries around the world. There can be no exceptions and no cultural or socioeconomic rationalizations preventing the rescue of children from sexual servitude. Sex trafficking has devastating consequences for minors, including long-lasting physical and psychological trauma, disease (including HIV/AIDS), drug addiction, unintended pregnancy, malnutrition, social ostracism, and death

Monday, May 2, 2016

ADVENTURES OF A LIFETIME

 YOU ARE THE GREATEST UNDISCOVERED ADVENTURE OF YOUR LIFETIME.
DISCOVER YOU 

I think it's my adventure, my trip, my journey, and I guess my attitude is, let the chips fall where they may.
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/adventure.html
Far away there in the sunshine are my biggest aspirations.I may not reach them, but i  can look up and see their beauty.Believe .For the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
                            Eleanor Roosevelt.


Instead of trying to make your life perfect give yourself the freedom to make it an adventure and let life's chips fall where they should. Three thing that i have found very helpful are that you have to;- ;-
  • IMAGINE
 There is absolutely nothing wrong with imagining,. plus its free.Most billion dollar businesses started from an idea , and even if it sounds crazy. Remember all the people throughout history or better off remember the times you were told,"you cant make it! and did.Or thats a dum idea and it later turned out to be the best thing you ever did'.
  • MARK THE X (x's) ON THE TREASURE MAP  
From whatever you have imagined,  The next step is to identify how you will achieve it.  Know what is required to achieve it .At that point you may feel discouraged because, it seems like an impossible task but you need to remember that what excites us most about adventure is the uncertainty.
Know what you want to achieve out of that specific journey. What it is that that drives you will help you get there .It becomes your motivation to continue.small steps bring you closer  to each point

  • ONE SMALL STEP,ONE BRAND NEW ADVENTURE
Living life is an adventure . However, how we choose to react to situations is what determines. If it will, be an enjoyable ride or one of those rides you persevere through. You have a choice. You can keep doing the same things that got you bored and yearning for more. Or you can fire up your imagination, mark your treasure map, plot the course, step outside your comfort zone and see life for the beautiful adventure it is.When things start to feel dull start over again.you have one shot at life but every minute you are alive is a new opportunity..
I think it's my adventure, my trip, my journey, and I guess my attitude is, let the chips fall where they may.
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/adventure.html

Sunday, May 1, 2016

SIGNS YOUR IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP



I share this post as a tribute to the ongoing #dontexcuseabuse campaign 

Sources:Gender Violence Recovery Centre kenya, sanctuary for abused,
children of parents narcissistic tendancies

The below signs are from sanctuary for the Abused written by licenced Psychologists link is above. The signs listed apply  to both men a women

As long as you want better for yourself you can achieve anything.Their is no need to suffer alone in silence if there is someone/organisations willing to help .Don't go through this nightmare alone someone does care for you and will help you ..If the signs are visible don't wait till you have broken ribs! or worse.If in kenya click the gender violence recovery link to get help. ITS NEVER TOO LATE TO GET HELP

Below are some of the signs

Unemployed or Underemployment.
Underemployment is not necessarily an objective phenomenon; it may be the subjective response to the man's failing to meet his own expectations. Educational and occupational attainment frequently is less than wife's, such status discrepancies are painful even should the husband bring home a higher salary.

Emotional Dependency.
Emotional dependency on the spouse is usually not recognized or understood, but is expressed through demands for constant reassurance and gratification. This may explain in part why spouse abuse often begins during wife's pregnancy.

High Investment in Marriage.
Wants to preserve marriage at any cost and will go to great lengths to do so. In the event of separation or divorce, tends to immediately replace lost spouse with a new partner.

Boundaries.


  • Violates your personal space.
  • Intimidates you by getting too close.
  • Touches, pinches, grabs you against your will.
Quick Involvement.

  • Sweeps you off your feet.
  • Love at first sight.
  • "You're the only one for me."
  • "I have to have you." "I think about you all day / all night"
  • Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged, sleeping together in less than 6 months or living together in less than 12 months.
Controlling Behavior.

  • Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long.
  • Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses.
  • Protective to the point of controlling.
  • Says he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares."
  • Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school. Won't let you drive.
Jealousy.Angry about your relationship with other men, women, coworkers, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.

Abusive Family of Origin.
Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. He sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.

Low Self-Esteem.


  • Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho.
  • Pumps up his fragile sense of self with sex.
  • Imagines you threaten his manhood.
  • Damages your self-esteem, demeans your growth, demands your silence.
Alcohol/Drug Abuse.

  • Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high.
  • He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.
Difficulty Expressing Emotions.

  • Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately.
  • He may say he's "hurt" and sulk when he's really angry.
  • He displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.
  • Blame Shifts; he's never responsible for what happens.
Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems.

  • Believes others are out to get him and he's the victim.
  • Blames you for everything that goes wrong.
  • Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you.
  • Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive or sexual- acting-out behavior.
Hypersensitivity.
Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.

 Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.

Unrealistic Expectations.


  • Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need").
  • Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.
Rigid Gender Roles.

  • Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him.
  • Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs.
  • Speaks for you.
  • He thinks it's OK for men to keep women "in line" by force or intimidation.
  Rigid Religious Beliefs.
 Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.

Disrespect for Women in General.


  • Ridicules and insults women, sees women as stupid and inferior to men
  • Tells sexist jokes ("dumb blond", "PMS" jokes).
  • Refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms ("babe", "chick", "fox", "bitch") or as specific parts of anatomy
  • Sees women only as sex-objects, uses prostitutes or has affairs
  • De-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens.
Emotional Abuse.

  • He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid"
  • curse and yell at you
  • belittle your accomplishments
  • manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics
  • humiliate you in private or public
  • Uses sarcasm and says it's 'humor.'
  • regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or
  • wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.
Isolation.

  • An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot.
  • Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car.
  • He'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a whore," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids."
  Reliance on Pornography.

  • Rapists, child molesters and men who sexually abuse or rape their wives or other women often have an abundance of pornographic literature, internet bookmarks, magazines, or videos.
  • They may want to involve you in their interest by photographing you or taking you to pornographic movies or shops.
  • They may coerce you into doing things sexually you are uncomfortable with or wouldn't normally do and then say that you "liked it" or "asked for it."
Sexual Abuse.

  • Refuses platonic relationship if dating
  • uses "playful" force in sex
  • uses sulking, sympathy or anger to manipulate you into having sex
  • emotionally coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts you during sex
  • demands sex when you're scared, ill, tired or
  • starts to have sex when you're asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.
Cruelty to Animals, Children, or Others.

  • Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, disabled weaker people or other women.
  • Is insensitive to others' pain.
  • Tortures or kills pets to feel powerful or hurt you.
  • Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave.
  • Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you.
  • Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers).
Past Violence.
Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive (Batterers beat any woman they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it).

Fascination with Weapons.
Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to "get even" with you or others. Tells you he knows how to kill someone and/or how to hide bodies; or that he has 'friends' who will 'take care of you'.

Threats of Violence.


  • Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously.
  • He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck" or "I'm out to get you now."
  • Posts threats or defamatory material about you on the internet.
  Breaking or Striking Objects.


Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books or break lamps). Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."

 Any Force During an Argument.



Hurts you in anger or in "play", pushing , shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning.