FINANCIAL DEPENDENCY (Relationships/marriage)

See my post on 
:marriage/love-is-not-a-bed-of-roses
:working-life-vs-family-life
:the-traditional-role-of-woman-in-modern
:the-history-of-working-woman.
:empowering-woman-is-empowering-nation
Book to read .the feminine mistake:are we giving up too much! By leslie bennets

A WOMAN'S INDEPENDENCE IS HER FREEDOM
As women. Our role has been defined for us. It is not a bad thing at all. Honestly most of us would happily quit our jobs to take care of our family . Our first instinct is to nurture and for that we tend to be blind of our own needs and wants.

As young girls we are told what is expected of us as women and when we grow up .We choose the path that suits us best.
Some choose careers over families others try balancing the two and some choose family over everything else. It is all a sacrifice. From whatever angle you choose to look at it.

However we seldom talk about the sacrifice involved when it comes to being a stay at home dad/mum and the difficulties that emerge from a single house hold income.

Being the sole provider of a family can be tough especially with all  the  high cost of living and the choice to have one partner to stay home and keep the household running to ensure the daily transitions involved in the family's needs are met is not one to be taken lightly.

Because both parties have to give up a certain amount of freedom to keep the family a float.

It can be very frustrating and sometimes leads to the feeling of living a not so fulfilled life. As a result of the sacrifices involved. 

The pain of many women is that their contribution and their choice to stay home is taken for granted .Choosing to give up your financial  Independence and depend on your every need from your partner makes you choose between what you want and what you need. In most cases women tend to supplement their own needs for their families needs .

In this sacrifice it becomes hard for a woman to live in all her glory. She now has to be content with wearing sweats and filling her days taking care of every ones needs but her own .

Some families tend to reach a breaking point when her sacrifices are seen as inadequate and she is seen as a burden.  Some have to deal with emotional and physical abuse from their partners as a result of the financial dependency

The hard part is that many women after devoting their lives to raise a family get to their late 40's and have to start a fresh because of either divorce or the fact that the kids are now old enough to depend on themselves.

The transition is hard and although the sacrifice was done with no regrets getting back on your own feet is a challenge.

I read a quote that said that "if you give a woman a loaf of bread it will feed her and her family for a day. But if you give the same woman a chance to make money off that loaf of bread it will feed her family for years.

The moral i got from that quote was that although we are willing to give up our dreams for a family. We should look at the bigger picture and find a way to be able to sustain our families. From what we are given. We live at a very industrious time and many people are generating incomes with the resources they have and in their own homes .

Create your own environment that will enable you to thrive Find a way to live your dreams as you care for your family because a woman's Independence is her freedom and when she is free to do what she loves .she will be able to shine in all her glory  .

Don't depend on someone too much because even your own shadow leaves you when your in the dark.

Live your best life and work on improving you. you are at your best when you are doing what you love and achieving your goals.

 Dont take a back seat in your life choices.

💕HAPPY MOTHERS DAY. 💕

THE POWER OF TALK THERAPY

COMMUNICATION WORKS FOR THOSE WHO WORK AT IT.
references
 https://byregion.byregion.net/articles-healers/Communication.html
 http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/importance-of-communication-in-relationshipshttps://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication

Dan Oswald said,''communication must be H.O.T that means ,Honest ,Open and Two way. 
Being in a relationship can be draining . Especially if you cannot meet eye to eye on different issues. To meet someone and fall in love is simple and happens often.

However falling in love with someone and choosing to stay them and whether all the storms that come your way together is something that fewer and fewer people are willing to do 

One thing i can vouch for, above everything i have learnt ,about relationships is that.
Their is nothing more fulfilling than having a heart-filled conversation ,and being able to look at the person lovingly at the end of it all. For years i suffered the curse of bad communication and i made alot of mistakes ,based on the fact that i never understood  alot ,about our relationship .As well as ,realizing how much i had assumed and how much i had mis-interpreted. which was not the case .

However ,after we sat down and realized we love each other and will always want to be involved in each others lives .We started talking and now we talk about everything . We talk more now ,than we did when we met.
Communication in a relationship is extremely important because it acts as the judge, jury and executioner who has the final say on whether your relationship lives or dies. 

 Today the biggest problem in all forms of relationships is that .When it comes to communicating each others needs ,people don't listen to understand what is being said. They listen to reply and they miss out on what was actually being said..

Being able to communicate effectively can also stop needless arguments which occur regularly in your relationships.If  you keep on fighting about the same things.Its because you both have not listened and dealt with the issue in the first place .The only way you can heal each other is by listening to the needs of each other.

Listening is a very important part of effective communication. A good listener can encourage their partner to talk openly and honestly.To create a conducive environment for open communication you can;-

• keep comfortable eye contact (where culturally appropriate)
• lean towards the other person and make gestures to show interest and concern
• have an open, non-defensive, fairly relaxed posture with your arms and legs uncrossed
• face the other person – don’t sit or stand sideways
• sit or stand on the same level to avoid looking up to or down on the other person
• avoid distracting gestures such as fidgeting with a pen, glancing at papers, or tapping your feet or fingers
• be aware that physical barriers, noise or interruptions will make good communication difficult. Mute telephones or other communication devices to ensure you are really listening
• let the other person speak without interruption
• show genuine attention and interest
• use assertive statements like ‘I feel …. about …’, ‘What I need is…’
• be aware of your tone.speak clear and calmly
• be prepared to take time out if you are feeling really angry about something. It might be better to calm down before you address the issue
• ask for feedback from the other person on your listening.

Open and clear communication can be learnt. (We are human and our brains can be trained to do anything.)

Some people find it hard to talk and may need time and encouragement to express their views. These people may be good listeners, or they may be people whose actions speak louder than their words.

You can help to improve your communication by:

• building companionship – sharing experiences, interests and concerns with your partner, and showing affection and appreciation.
• sharing intimacy – intimacy is not only a sexual connection. Intimacy is created by having moments of feeling close and attached to your partner. It means being able to comfort and be comforted, and to be open and honest. An act of intimacy can be as simple as bringing your partner a cup of tea because you can tell they are tired
• being on the same page as your partner. It’s important that you and your partner are both in agreement on key issues in your relationship, such as how finances are distributed, what key goals you have and your parenting styles. 

To improve the way you communicate, start by asking questions such as:

• What things cause conflict between you and your partner? Are they because you are not listening to each other?
• What things bring you happiness and feelings of connection?
• What things cause you disappointment and pain?
• What things don’t you talk about and what stops you talking about them?
• How would you like your communication with your partner to be different?

If possible, ask these questions with your partner and share your responses. Consider, and try, ways to communicate differently. See whether the results improve your communication. When you are more aware of how you communicate, you will be able to have more control over what happens between you. While it may not be easy at first, opening up new areas of communication can lead to a more fulfilling relationship.

• Avoid using the silent treatment.
• Don’t jump to conclusions. Find out all the facts rather than guessing at motives.
• Discuss what actually happened. Don’t judge.
• Learn to understand each other, not to defeat each other.
• Talk using the future and present tense, not the past tense.
• Concentrate on the major problem, and don’t get distracted by other minor problems.
• Talk about the problems that hurt your or your partner’s feelings, then move on to problems about differences in opinions.
• Use ‘I feel’ statements, not ‘You are’ statements.

One thing you have to realize in relationships is that if one person looses you both loose out.
if one person is upset the house becomes hard to be in. 
if one person is not satisfied they cannot satisfy you.
 if one person is not happy it is the beginning of disaster.

LOVE IS EASY AND SO IS FALLING OUT OF IT. THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS COMMUNICATION.

MY LOVELY READERS IN ALL YOU DO LOVE , LIVE ,LEARN LAUGH TOGETHER AND NEVER STOP ACTUALIZING YOUR DREAMS.
 

LONELINESS IN MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIPS

BEING SINGLE ISNT THE CAUSE OF LONELINESS,AND MARRIAGE IS NOT NECESSARILY THE CURE.THEIR ARE SO MANY LONELY MARRIED PEOPLE AS WELL.

BOOK TO READ marriage as God intended by Sewyn  Hughes

(see my posts on embrace-glorious-mess-that-you-are.    marriagelove-is-not-bed-of-roses.html
couples-take-on-love

It's one thing to be lonely when you are single, wondering if and when God will ever bring the right guy. It's another matter for your heart to ache with loneliness when the "right guy" is living in your home and sleeping in your bed. If this is your reality, please know that you are not alone. Behind the facade of family life, many married men and women are lonely.


Being married offers no protection from the dangers of loneliness .

Studies indicate that roughly 20% of the general population suffers from chronic loneliness at any given time, and in one recent study of older adults, 62.5% of people who reported being lonely were married and living with their partner.


Although we might believe marriage can insulate us from the ravages of loneliness, which is not the case. Loneliness is determined by the quality of our relationships not their just by whether we happen to be living with a spouse. Loneliness in marriage often happens slowly, as the disconnection we feel from our spouse gradually increases over years.


At some point, discussions about mutual interests, and goals and dreams cease entirely and conversations become purely transnational“ We need milk,” “Your mother called,” or “Did you remember to pay the this or that bill?”or focused exclusively on parenting .We also fall into daily routines that foster emotional distance .

One person watches television in the evening while the other is on the computer, or one goes to bed at 9 pm and wakes at 5 am while the other goes to bed at midnight and wakes at 8 am. In short, we lose the love and the affection but stay in the marriage; ironically, often out of a fear of being lonely, although by doing so, we potentially doom ourselves to the very loneliness we were trying to avoid


Loneliness is the deepest ache our souls can experience. The grief of losing a loved one, the fear of abandonment, and the sting of rejected love all tap into the same bedrock (fear): I am all alone.

Feeling lonely in marriage allows for doubt and subtle lies we've believed—lies like:  If only you find "Prince Charming," you'll never have to be alone.

If you are in this place of marital loneliness, then you are facing a fork in the road. Before you is a choice: What will you do with your sadness, disillusionment, and fear? Will you run away from God or run to him? My advice to you is ,know that he is always there for us .Run to him and asks him for the strength to whether the storm


Marriage books are filled with advice on how to bridge the chasm between you and your spouse. Working to resolve conflicts, finding common interests, and learning to date your husband are all practical suggestions that can make a difference in your marriage. However, there are some situations which no strategies appear to make a difference. It may even seem like you are destined to merely share space and live as distant roommates.

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Loneliness distorts how we see the other person and makes us devalue our relationships. We perceive others as less caring, less interested, and less committed than they actually are, and we judge our relationships to be weaker and less satisfying than it is.


In an effort to protect ourselves from even further emotional hurt, we become hyper-alert to any signs of rejection we read into everything the other person does or says .As a result—and often without realizing we’re doing it, become overly defensive and come across as detached, aloof, or even hostile, which only pushes them further away


We typically wouldn’t think that loneliness is a condition that requires urgent intervention, but we should. In addition to the emotional anguish loneliness creates, it puts us at risk for depression and anxiety and causes us to distort our perceptions such that we view ourselves, our lives, and our relationships more negatively

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How to Combat Loneliness

1. Take the initiative. If you’re lonely, chances are your partner is, too. But they are also probably trapped in a cycle of emotional disconnection and feel helpless to break it. Try to initiate conversations. (See "How to Validate Someone’s Emotions.") Don’t expect them to reciprocate right away, as habits take time to change, but after a few gestures of goodwill they will likely return the favor.


2. Create shared experiences. If your spouse is in the other room watching their favorite show, sit next to them .They may be confused, suspicious, or both, but just be sincere and try to see the show through their eyes, even if it’s not your thing You can also suggest certain activities that require little effort  such as walks, cooking a meal together, watching  old videos .Reminding yourselves of more connected times), or writing a letter.


3. Practice taking their perspective. The longer  you have been in a relationship the more we tend to assume we know what the other person is thinking. But it is not so. We actually have to close our eyes and focus for a few minutes (not seconds) on the other person’s perspective, imagining their world and their point of view within it. Gaining a greater understanding of their  thoughts and feelings this allows you to express more sympathy and understanding toward them—in turn, deepening your mutual bond


4 .Re-create moments. Nothing can bring sparks back in a relationship like e-living a moment ir going back to a place where you had an amazing experience, where the love and passion was alive. Relationships are an investment and you need to keep investing time and effort to ensure its longevity


5.Create new memories. Memories last a lifetime don’t miss out on the new just because your in a bd place make every moment memorable.


IN ALL THINGS LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST ,LEARN , LOVE AND NEVER STOP DREAMING.

WHAT I WISH I WAS TOLD BEFORE MOVING IN

THE BEAUTY OF LOVE IS TO LOVE THROUGH PAIN

Also read my previous article, marriage/ love is not bed of roses.

Love is to accept the fault, and bury the blame.That quote has stuck with me because,"Pain doesn't mean the absence of love .
Struggling is everywhere, it doesn't get easier if  you change the person . Everyone carries their own baggage and when two people come to live together .You then have to learn how to make each other one unit, and that is the point individual baggage tends to break people apart.learning each others flaws and accepting them and finding away to operate as a unit is hard work.

To commit fully to a person, and ride the waves till the end doesn’t mean, it will be a bed of roses .
When you date a person, it is to figure out compatibility and when the time comes for you to make the decision. You choose what you are willing to live with and what you are not.

When you live with someone ,you get to see the real them . How they react to problems from bills.How they react to seeing you every single moment .With the only moments of privacy you get are in the bathroom or when they are out of the house.Or even how you react when their friends come over and you cant walk around the house freely, Or event how you have family over and your budget is yelling OH NOOOO!!!!

Living together is the true test of relationships in my opinion. If your Words don’t complement actions . There will always be little or no peace at all because communication is what helps relationships and the lack of it creates trouble which leads to distance.Living in the same house with someone when your mad at each other is a night mare because you wish the fight could be over and it usually takes longer.

Insecurities and fears are what do the worst damage. Sometimes the problem is not the love but who the person is to you.By that i mean if you love the person any little thing they do will always have an effect, and we tend to read into it too  much . Which is why don't always listen to what your mind tells you .Learn when to shut it down your own negativity.

All that matters is who you choose to wake up next to  because if you sacrifice who you love who you love  becomes the sacrifice .love is sacrifice . Loving someone doesn't stop because you stop seeing them u only carry them with you  even more.So when that voice inside you yells you need to move out . Take a moment and analyze your feelings be sober in your decision making because the reasons that pulled you together in the first place . Could be the same things that either keep you together or pull you apart.

Also don't let how people feel about you influence how you feel about them. Love cannot be forced the heart wants what the heart wants.