THE POWER OF TALK THERAPY

COMMUNICATION WORKS FOR THOSE WHO WORK AT IT.
references
 https://byregion.byregion.net/articles-healers/Communication.html
 http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/importance-of-communication-in-relationshipshttps://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication

Dan Oswald said,''communication must be H.O.T that means ,Honest ,Open and Two way. 
Being in a relationship can be draining . Especially if you cannot meet eye to eye on different issues. To meet someone and fall in love is simple and happens often.

However falling in love with someone and choosing to stay them and whether all the storms that come your way together is something that fewer and fewer people are willing to do 

One thing i can vouch for, above everything i have learnt ,about relationships is that.
Their is nothing more fulfilling than having a heart-filled conversation ,and being able to look at the person lovingly at the end of it all. For years i suffered the curse of bad communication and i made alot of mistakes ,based on the fact that i never understood  alot ,about our relationship .As well as ,realizing how much i had assumed and how much i had mis-interpreted. which was not the case .

However ,after we sat down and realized we love each other and will always want to be involved in each others lives .We started talking and now we talk about everything . We talk more now ,than we did when we met.
Communication in a relationship is extremely important because it acts as the judge, jury and executioner who has the final say on whether your relationship lives or dies. 

 Today the biggest problem in all forms of relationships is that .When it comes to communicating each others needs ,people don't listen to understand what is being said. They listen to reply and they miss out on what was actually being said..

Being able to communicate effectively can also stop needless arguments which occur regularly in your relationships.If  you keep on fighting about the same things.Its because you both have not listened and dealt with the issue in the first place .The only way you can heal each other is by listening to the needs of each other.

Listening is a very important part of effective communication. A good listener can encourage their partner to talk openly and honestly.To create a conducive environment for open communication you can;-

• keep comfortable eye contact (where culturally appropriate)
• lean towards the other person and make gestures to show interest and concern
• have an open, non-defensive, fairly relaxed posture with your arms and legs uncrossed
• face the other person – don’t sit or stand sideways
• sit or stand on the same level to avoid looking up to or down on the other person
• avoid distracting gestures such as fidgeting with a pen, glancing at papers, or tapping your feet or fingers
• be aware that physical barriers, noise or interruptions will make good communication difficult. Mute telephones or other communication devices to ensure you are really listening
• let the other person speak without interruption
• show genuine attention and interest
• use assertive statements like ‘I feel …. about …’, ‘What I need is…’
• be aware of your tone.speak clear and calmly
• be prepared to take time out if you are feeling really angry about something. It might be better to calm down before you address the issue
• ask for feedback from the other person on your listening.

Open and clear communication can be learnt. (We are human and our brains can be trained to do anything.)

Some people find it hard to talk and may need time and encouragement to express their views. These people may be good listeners, or they may be people whose actions speak louder than their words.

You can help to improve your communication by:

• building companionship – sharing experiences, interests and concerns with your partner, and showing affection and appreciation.
• sharing intimacy – intimacy is not only a sexual connection. Intimacy is created by having moments of feeling close and attached to your partner. It means being able to comfort and be comforted, and to be open and honest. An act of intimacy can be as simple as bringing your partner a cup of tea because you can tell they are tired
• being on the same page as your partner. It’s important that you and your partner are both in agreement on key issues in your relationship, such as how finances are distributed, what key goals you have and your parenting styles. 

To improve the way you communicate, start by asking questions such as:

• What things cause conflict between you and your partner? Are they because you are not listening to each other?
• What things bring you happiness and feelings of connection?
• What things cause you disappointment and pain?
• What things don’t you talk about and what stops you talking about them?
• How would you like your communication with your partner to be different?

If possible, ask these questions with your partner and share your responses. Consider, and try, ways to communicate differently. See whether the results improve your communication. When you are more aware of how you communicate, you will be able to have more control over what happens between you. While it may not be easy at first, opening up new areas of communication can lead to a more fulfilling relationship.

• Avoid using the silent treatment.
• Don’t jump to conclusions. Find out all the facts rather than guessing at motives.
• Discuss what actually happened. Don’t judge.
• Learn to understand each other, not to defeat each other.
• Talk using the future and present tense, not the past tense.
• Concentrate on the major problem, and don’t get distracted by other minor problems.
• Talk about the problems that hurt your or your partner’s feelings, then move on to problems about differences in opinions.
• Use ‘I feel’ statements, not ‘You are’ statements.

One thing you have to realize in relationships is that if one person looses you both loose out.
if one person is upset the house becomes hard to be in. 
if one person is not satisfied they cannot satisfy you.
 if one person is not happy it is the beginning of disaster.

LOVE IS EASY AND SO IS FALLING OUT OF IT. THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS COMMUNICATION.

MY LOVELY READERS IN ALL YOU DO LOVE , LIVE ,LEARN LAUGH TOGETHER AND NEVER STOP ACTUALIZING YOUR DREAMS.
 

LONELINESS IN MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIPS

BEING SINGLE ISNT THE CAUSE OF LONELINESS,AND MARRIAGE IS NOT NECESSARILY THE CURE.THEIR ARE SO MANY LONELY MARRIED PEOPLE AS WELL.

BOOK TO READ marriage as God intended by Sewyn  Hughes

(see my posts on embrace-glorious-mess-that-you-are.    marriagelove-is-not-bed-of-roses.html
couples-take-on-love

It's one thing to be lonely when you are single, wondering if and when God will ever bring the right guy. It's another matter for your heart to ache with loneliness when the "right guy" is living in your home and sleeping in your bed. If this is your reality, please know that you are not alone. Behind the facade of family life, many married men and women are lonely.


Being married offers no protection from the dangers of loneliness .

Studies indicate that roughly 20% of the general population suffers from chronic loneliness at any given time, and in one recent study of older adults, 62.5% of people who reported being lonely were married and living with their partner.


Although we might believe marriage can insulate us from the ravages of loneliness, which is not the case. Loneliness is determined by the quality of our relationships not their just by whether we happen to be living with a spouse. Loneliness in marriage often happens slowly, as the disconnection we feel from our spouse gradually increases over years.


At some point, discussions about mutual interests, and goals and dreams cease entirely and conversations become purely transnational“ We need milk,” “Your mother called,” or “Did you remember to pay the this or that bill?”or focused exclusively on parenting .We also fall into daily routines that foster emotional distance .

One person watches television in the evening while the other is on the computer, or one goes to bed at 9 pm and wakes at 5 am while the other goes to bed at midnight and wakes at 8 am. In short, we lose the love and the affection but stay in the marriage; ironically, often out of a fear of being lonely, although by doing so, we potentially doom ourselves to the very loneliness we were trying to avoid


Loneliness is the deepest ache our souls can experience. The grief of losing a loved one, the fear of abandonment, and the sting of rejected love all tap into the same bedrock (fear): I am all alone.

Feeling lonely in marriage allows for doubt and subtle lies we've believed—lies like:  If only you find "Prince Charming," you'll never have to be alone.

If you are in this place of marital loneliness, then you are facing a fork in the road. Before you is a choice: What will you do with your sadness, disillusionment, and fear? Will you run away from God or run to him? My advice to you is ,know that he is always there for us .Run to him and asks him for the strength to whether the storm


Marriage books are filled with advice on how to bridge the chasm between you and your spouse. Working to resolve conflicts, finding common interests, and learning to date your husband are all practical suggestions that can make a difference in your marriage. However, there are some situations which no strategies appear to make a difference. It may even seem like you are destined to merely share space and live as distant roommates.

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Loneliness distorts how we see the other person and makes us devalue our relationships. We perceive others as less caring, less interested, and less committed than they actually are, and we judge our relationships to be weaker and less satisfying than it is.


In an effort to protect ourselves from even further emotional hurt, we become hyper-alert to any signs of rejection we read into everything the other person does or says .As a result—and often without realizing we’re doing it, become overly defensive and come across as detached, aloof, or even hostile, which only pushes them further away


We typically wouldn’t think that loneliness is a condition that requires urgent intervention, but we should. In addition to the emotional anguish loneliness creates, it puts us at risk for depression and anxiety and causes us to distort our perceptions such that we view ourselves, our lives, and our relationships more negatively

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How to Combat Loneliness

1. Take the initiative. If you’re lonely, chances are your partner is, too. But they are also probably trapped in a cycle of emotional disconnection and feel helpless to break it. Try to initiate conversations. (See "How to Validate Someone’s Emotions.") Don’t expect them to reciprocate right away, as habits take time to change, but after a few gestures of goodwill they will likely return the favor.


2. Create shared experiences. If your spouse is in the other room watching their favorite show, sit next to them .They may be confused, suspicious, or both, but just be sincere and try to see the show through their eyes, even if it’s not your thing You can also suggest certain activities that require little effort  such as walks, cooking a meal together, watching  old videos .Reminding yourselves of more connected times), or writing a letter.


3. Practice taking their perspective. The longer  you have been in a relationship the more we tend to assume we know what the other person is thinking. But it is not so. We actually have to close our eyes and focus for a few minutes (not seconds) on the other person’s perspective, imagining their world and their point of view within it. Gaining a greater understanding of their  thoughts and feelings this allows you to express more sympathy and understanding toward them—in turn, deepening your mutual bond


4 .Re-create moments. Nothing can bring sparks back in a relationship like e-living a moment ir going back to a place where you had an amazing experience, where the love and passion was alive. Relationships are an investment and you need to keep investing time and effort to ensure its longevity


5.Create new memories. Memories last a lifetime don’t miss out on the new just because your in a bd place make every moment memorable.


IN ALL THINGS LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST ,LEARN , LOVE AND NEVER STOP DREAMING.

DATING A SINGLE PARENT

TO LOVE IS TO ACCEPT WHAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE

Here are some things you need to know about dating a single parent that lives 

with and takes care of his/her child.

1. The kids will always come first—no matter what. That means that if you have plans with the woman or man you are dating and their child decides he or she needs some mommy or daddy time and so they cancel the date with you, you have to accept it, be OK with it, not resent him or her, AND even respect the fact that he/she is there for the child.

2. The relationship might go slower than you want. Jumping into a serious relationship is a lot easier for those who have never been married and/or who don’t have kids. It’s not easy, but you have to be patient. You are dating a person who has been through all the waves and probably understands more because of their experiences. Before they can take you seriously and ,meet your needs you have to show them ,that you understand what they need .You understand that they have a mini family .If you want to be a part of it , it requires you to be understanding and fully committed otherwise don’t waste your time or theirs if you are not ready.

3. If the divorce/separation is recent or going on, he or she might seem distant at times. No one understands the impact of going through a divorce/separation except for those who have gone through it. It can be draining, frustrating, upsetting, and infuriating, and cause intense anxiety, stress, depression, rage, or sadness. And if someone is going through it, and are still hurting they sometimes want to be left alone. They want to just sit in a room and cry or hug their kids all night while watching TV. It is an extremely emotional time and that person needs to heal. Have respect for that and do not take it personally. The only thing you can do is just be there for them, Time heals all wounds and you will see the benefits of all you have done with time

4. He or She is busy. I know. I know...everyone is busy. But he/she is really busy. When someone is juggling a job, kids, and a social life, they don’t have the time to be on the phone with a new love for hours, and making plans is difficult. The best time to make plans is when the kids are away or when the kids are at school or even when they are asleep. Again, don’t take it personally if they seem distant.

5. His or her self-esteem isn’t the greatest. Maybe her husband left her. Maybe he had to move back home with his parents. Maybe her ex-husband was abusive. There are so many factors that could cause hat person to have low self-esteem, and therefore be holding back a bit. Realize that it’s not you and they have to learn that they age worthy of the best. They will need time to heal past wounds and find themselves again. A lot of patience is the key here.

6. be willing to play things by ear a lot. Dating someone with kids requires a person to be flexible and not have to make plans 10 days in advance. Because, any single parent can tell you things can change at any moment. 

7. Getting involved in his or her separation/divorce is a huge mistake. If he/she vents about her ex or cries or tells you what a jerk he is, don’t make the mistake of hating the ex, too. Just try to be supportive of feelings and be there for the person in any way you can. Give advice, but be careful. You don’t know the whole situation. At the end of the day they still have a kid to raise and will see each other at some point.

8. If you love him or her, you have to love the children, too. It’s a package deal. You really have to want to be a stepmom or dad or you shouldn’t be with that person.

Some men and women can’t handle these things, which is understandable. Just be honest with yourself and make a decision. Sure there is room for a little compromise, but for the most part, the single parent is a parent who needs to be there for his or her children. Accept it or break up. If you can be patient, I think you will enjoy dating a single parent!

Dating a single parent with kids isn't right for everyone. No matter how much chemistry you share, or how much you value your relationship, there will be times when the kids will interrupt your flow. You'll plan a special outing and—boom—someone gets sick. Or you've had a long day and just want to unwind, only to find the kids home. Dating into a larger family has its perks, but it's also a challenge—especially for first timers.

So how can you know up front whether dating a single parent is right for you? Here are several reasons why it might not be a good fit:

TO BE HONEST DON’T DATE A SINGLE PARENT IF

1.You're jealous of her kids   
Okay, let's face it. No one really likes sharing their mate. Jealousy is in our nature as human beings. But when you're dating a single parent, being jealous of her kids will get you nowhere. (Well, that's not quite true; it will send you out the front door—quickly!) While there aren't many dating issues that are black-and-white, this is one of them. If you're jealous of her kids, you're setting your relationship up for failure. There's no gray area here. Being jealous puts her in the middle, which leads to more tension than most relationships can handle. So what are you supposed to do? When you experience jealousy, stop and acknowledge the emotion you're feeling. If, after giving it some thought, you think the issue is worth bringing up with your mate, find some time when the two of you can talk quietly (maybe after  the kids are in bed). Let her know how you're feeling and talk about what you both value in your relationship and why it's important to you. Then, explore how you might be able to share little 'reminders' of how much you each value your relationship in the hectic mix of your everyday lives. 

2. You’re looking for spontaneity. 
If you've never dated a single parent before, you may be used to some degree of spontaneity in your romantic relationships—especially in the beginning. There's just something about being able to drop everything and go off by yourselves that helps to cement your bond. Or maybe you love to travel and can't wait to surprise her with tickets to London or Rome. While that's a beautiful gesture, it may not be possible for a single mom who's parenting entirely on her own, with no co-parent,, and no stand by nanny. If that would be a dating deal-breaker for you, then you probably won't do well dating a single parent. 
3. You resent biting your tongue and letting her parent. 
Especially in the beginning, you should anticipate biting your tongue a lot. Your mate has been parenting on her own for years already, and she's probably not interested in having you step in and critique her parenting style or discipline tactics  The best thing you can do? Wait for her to ask for it before sharing your opinion. (Unless, of course, you're telling her that she's doing a great job with her kids!) Remember, too, that even newly married couples who live with their step-children often hold off on disciplining one another's kids until they've had sufficient time to 'earn the right' to be a co-disciplinarian.

    4. You want to control the timing. 
 Speaking of timing … When you're dating a single parent, you have to respect his or her timing when it comes to introducing the kids and taking your relationship to the next level. One issue, in particular, that many new couples argue about is showing affection in front of the kids. It can be downright hard to hold off on taking her hand, draping an arm over her shoulder, or kissing her when and how you want—whether the kids might walk in or not. But until she is comfortable, you have to respect her timing. To push her is to make her feel like she's caught in the middle of doing what's right for your relationship and what's right for her kids. And that's a position you may not want to be in for long.

5. You don't like kids. 
 This should be a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised how many people (men and women, alike) think they'll get over it in time.. only to rediscover later that they never wanted to live with or help raise someone else's children. If you feel this way, own up to it from the start and avoid investing your time and your heart in a relationship that will fail. A similar issue is wanting children of your own when your mate has expressed that she (or he) doesn't want more children. While either of you could change your mind down the road, there's no guarantee that you will. And that puts a lot of pressure on both of you.
Only you can truly know if you're up for dating a single parent. While there are a million bonuses that come with dating into a family, there are some challenges that can be hard to overcome—especially if this is your first time . So above all else, be respectful of your mate. If it's time to say goodbye, do so lovingly and without dragging it on or assuming things will change.


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THE STORY OF A LIFETIME

(Book to read secrets about life every woman should know by Barbara de Angelis)

When you go through life expecting what is happening outside to make you happy.

You are setting yourself up for failure. You are setting yourself up for misery.

You make yourself a victim of circumstances you cannot control and you become dependent on others for your own state of joy and contentment.

Today I would like to share this story with you .It’s a story from ancient India.

In the beginning god created the universe and all the people in it so that everyone was aware of his or her true oneness with god and the great love within themselves.

These were the secrets of life, and after all, god loved everyone so why not give them the greatest gift he could think of.

He then sat down and watched the play of life with all of its dramas unfold,But as he watched he realized something was very wrong. 

Whenever a human being met with a challenge or went through tough times the person would say to themselves. ‘’This is aweful.why should I go through this? I am one with god so I will just drop this human form and merge back into him.’’

And that’s exactly what happened one by one each human would remember his true self and be unwilling to play the game of life.

God was very disturbed by this dilemma. The purpose of life was to learn grow not to bailout when the going got rough. So he called an emergency meeting with his divine beings.

‘’after much consideration,’’ god began, ‘’I have decided that we are going to have to hide the secret of life ,the secret of happiness from these humans. If they remember it they have no interest in living an earthly life.’’

‘’But where will we hide it? ‘’one divine being asked. ‘’Let’s hide it at the top of the highest mountain on earth .’’someone suggested.

‘’No that won’t work.’’ god replied shaking his head. ‘’Human beings are resourceful they will find ways to climb up there and discover it.’’

‘’What about at the bottom of the ocean .they will never go there another one offered.’’

‘’Oh yes they will .’’god interjected “they will invent submarines. The bottom of the ocean won’t do.’’

Someone else said,’’ lets hide it in outer space.  Surely it will be impossible for them to locate it.’’

God said ,’’that won’t do either they will invent space ships and travel in space’’.

None of these suggestions will work .There has got to be somewhere we can hide the secret of happiness where human will not find it.

I know where e can hide it” a soft voice spoke. 

‘HIDE IT DEEP WITHIN THE HUMAN HEART THEY WILL NEVER LOOK THERE’’.

God smiled he knew he had found the answer and then he made it so and that’s where it has been ever since.

I think this is the kind of story that should last a lifetime. The kind of story you go to sleep thinking about. It is truth in itself as humans we always look externally to understand things or blame external factors in our life but we seldom look within ourselves.

Our mind, body, spirit and soul are the most powerful things in the universe. Yet we don’t even realize it.

DO YOU NOT KNOW THE GREATNESS THAT LIES WITHIN YOU AS A WOMAN

DO YOU DOUBT YOUR POWER AS THE WOMAN THAT GIVES LIFE

It seems that as women ,we have forgotten how much of an impact we have in the world, in our country and in our household.
Take back control of your household.  
Your son is outside risking his life ,for a cause that seems to only lead to the grave .
Your husband , spends so much time working on what is important to him .
He chases thrill ,because you have lost who you where and has gone astray from you.
He is no longer by your side as he is supposed to be. 

You  have become sad and distant .Giving your life to the kids or your nosy friends who want  nothing good for you.   
You believe in the Alejandro's you see in those soap-opera's you watch .You have deluded yourself with fantasies of men that don't even exist. 
A man becomes what you make him.


Just as Adam risked it all for a bite of the apple eve gave. So will a good man do for you . 
Till death does you part is not a curse. It allows you to have the rest of your lives to get it right.
In the home. Men benefit the most from the woman's Brain power.
 
''The woman is a home builder. A wise woman builds her house, But a foolish woman pulls it down with her hands." 
 How well are you building your home? Or because of trends and friends you are being foolish and pulling it down with your own hands.  
To build a happy home successfully,  a woman has a major role to play.

I like this verse that says "A Godly woman is a strong and capable woman. She is wise and she is righteous. she is valuable to her husband and her family. Proverbs 31;10"

To understand the role of women within the family, and in building a happy home. It  is important to understand the background in which the woman was created. The  bible describes Eve as a helper (Genesis 2:18 ). The bible also affirms that God created Adam from “the dust of the ground” (Genesis 2:7). Then, from “the rib  He made Eve .  The first woman Eve,is described  as a help  for the man.  To build a happy home, a woman should bear in mind the purpose for which she was created and set for herself definite goals to fulfill that purpose.

It is evident all around us, that we have lost control of our homes. One look at our country and you wonder, Do these people have mothers?, Who's mother lets their child leave the house like that?,How did people's thinking get so demented.
Look around you and you see that as women we are failing in our role . We have focused so much in surviving the changes and demands of the world that we have forgotten to keep our households on lock.

IN MY HUMBLE HOME

I DO IT FOR THEM AND  I HOPE THEY KNOW IT.

 Its Monday .I hear the sound of the neighbors cock crowing.

I turn my head and look at my family sleeping beside me.

My son is on the edge of the mattress with his feet ,touching the cold cement floor.

My daughter ,holding on to her mother as they both sleep peacefully.

I lay awake barely covered because i, could only afford one blanket and it barely covers us .

My heart fills with joy .Knowing we have a roof over our heads and ,that last night we had dinner .

In our house, we eat our dinner in one big plate .

That way, we know we are equal and ,we have to be mindful of each spoonful ,we each take.

I have to get ready to leave for work.

I wish i didn't have to .My body still aches from the heavy lifting at  the construction site.

''Mkubwa' is paying us peanuts to build him his families retirement home.

He tells us to be careful and if we get injured ''tujisort.''

Last week, one of the building stones fell on one of our colleagues head and he didn't make it.

To him construction helmets where too expensive.

He paid for his funeral expenses and gave his widow and 4 kids 100,000ksh ''wajisort''

Despite my aches and pains.

I do what i need to do for my family. The little i have is for them.

To ensure we can live in this room , have food to eat and have warm clothes over our body'

During this cold season because, the ''mabati'' roof and walls let in the cold.

I take one more look at them and i almost choke.

They deserve better than what life has served us.

I  give my wife a good bye kiss and as i leave she says

''NAKUPENDA MILELE''

She is the source of my strength and i will do it all for them.

One day i will be a ''mkubwa'' and she will be my queen.

But today my feet and my hands will be covered in red soil 

to ensure until we get there 

our today is better than our yesterday.

 

Dear Kenyans, don't let your actions of today hinder your tomorrows success

.Dear Kenyan woman, keep your man safe and out of harms way you have the power.

Dear Kenyan man, be wise and fight for your family above all else.