TO LOVE IS TO ACCEPT WHAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE
Here
are some things you need to know about dating a single parent that lives
with and
takes care of his/her child.
1.
The
kids will always come first—no matter what. That means that if
you have plans with the woman or man you are dating and their child decides he
or she needs some mommy or daddy time and so they cancel the date with you, you
have to accept it, be OK with it, not resent him or her, AND even respect the
fact that he/she is there for the child.
2.
The
relationship might go slower than you want. Jumping into a serious
relationship is a lot easier for those who have never been married and/or who
don’t have kids. It’s not easy, but you have to be patient. You are dating a
person who has been through all the waves and probably understands more because
of their experiences. Before they can take you seriously and ,meet your needs
you have to show them ,that you understand what they need .You understand that
they have a mini family .If you want to be a part of it , it requires you to be
understanding and fully committed otherwise don’t waste your time or theirs if
you are not ready.
3. If the divorce/separation
is recent or going on, he or she might seem distant at times. No
one understands the impact of going through a divorce/separation except for
those who have gone through it. It can be draining, frustrating, upsetting, and
infuriating, and cause intense anxiety, stress, depression, rage, or sadness.
And if someone is going through it, and are still hurting they sometimes want
to be left alone. They want to just sit in a room and cry or hug their kids all
night while watching TV. It is an extremely emotional time and that person
needs to heal. Have respect for that and do not take it personally. The only
thing you can do is just be there for them, Time heals all wounds and you will
see the benefits of all you have done with time
4.
He
or She is busy. I know. I know...everyone is busy. But he/she
is really busy. When someone is juggling a job, kids, and a social life, they
don’t have the time to be on the phone with a new love for hours, and making
plans is difficult. The best time to make plans is when the kids are away or when
the kids are at school or even when they are asleep. Again, don’t take it
personally if they seem distant.
5.
His
or her self-esteem isn’t the greatest. Maybe her husband left
her. Maybe he had to move back home with his parents. Maybe her ex-husband was
abusive. There are so many factors that could cause hat person to have low
self-esteem, and therefore be holding back a bit. Realize that it’s not you and
they have to learn that they age worthy of the best. They will need time to
heal past wounds and find themselves again. A lot of patience is the key here.
6.
be
willing to play things by ear a lot. Dating someone with kids
requires a person to be flexible and not have to make plans 10 days in advance.
Because, any single parent can tell you things can change at any moment.
7.
Getting
involved in his or her separation/divorce is a huge mistake. If
he/she vents about her ex or cries or tells you what a jerk he is, don’t make
the mistake of hating the ex, too. Just try to be supportive of feelings and be
there for the person in any way you can. Give advice, but be careful. You don’t
know the whole situation. At the end of the day they still have a kid to raise
and will see each other at some point.
8.
If
you love him or her, you have to love the children, too. It’s a
package deal. You really have to want to be a stepmom or dad or you shouldn’t
be with that person.
Some
men and women can’t handle these things, which is understandable. Just be
honest with yourself and make a decision. Sure there is room for a little
compromise, but for the most part, the single parent is a parent who needs to
be there for his or her children. Accept it or break up. If you can be patient,
I think you will enjoy dating a single parent!
Dating
a single parent with kids isn't right for everyone. No matter how much
chemistry you share, or how much you value your relationship, there will
be times when the kids will interrupt your flow. You'll plan a special outing
and—boom—someone
gets sick. Or you've had a long day and just want to unwind, only to find the
kids home. Dating into a larger family has its perks, but it's
also a challenge—especially for first timers.
So how can you know up front whether dating a single parent is right for you?
Here are several reasons why it might not be a good fit:
1.You're jealous of her kids
Okay, let's face it. No one really likes sharing their mate. Jealousy is in our nature as human beings. But when you're dating a single parent, being jealous of her kids will get you nowhere. (Well, that's not quite true; it will send you out the front door—quickly!) While there aren't many dating issues that are black-and-white, this is one of them. If you're jealous of her kids, you're setting your relationship up for failure. There's no gray area here. Being jealous puts her in the middle, which leads to more tension than most relationships can handle. So what are you supposed to do? When you experience jealousy, stop and acknowledge the emotion you're feeling. If, after giving it some thought, you think the issue is worth bringing up with your mate, find some time when the two of you can talk quietly (maybe after the kids are in bed). Let her know how you're feeling and talk about what you both value in your relationship and why it's important to you. Then, explore how you might be able to share little 'reminders' of how much you each value your relationship in the hectic mix of your everyday lives.
2. You’re looking for spontaneity.
If you've never dated a single parent before, you may be used to some degree of spontaneity in your romantic relationships—especially in the beginning. There's just something about being able to drop everything and go off by yourselves that helps to cement your bond. Or maybe you love to travel and can't wait to surprise her with tickets to London or Rome. While that's a beautiful gesture, it may not be possible for a single mom who's parenting entirely on her own, with no co-parent,, and no stand by nanny. If that would be a dating deal-breaker for you, then you probably won't do well dating a single parent.
3. You resent biting your tongue and letting her parent.
Especially in the beginning, you should anticipate biting your tongue a lot. Your mate has been parenting on her own for years already, and she's probably not interested in having you step in and critique her parenting style or discipline tactics The best thing you can do? Wait for her to ask for it before sharing your opinion. (Unless, of course, you're telling her that she's doing a great job with her kids!) Remember, too, that even newly married couples who live with their step-children often hold off on disciplining one another's kids until they've had sufficient time to 'earn the right' to be a co-disciplinarian.
4. You want to control the timing.
Speaking of timing … When you're dating a single parent, you have to respect his or her timing when it comes to introducing the kids and taking your relationship to the next level. One issue, in particular, that many new couples argue about is showing affection in front of the kids. It can be downright hard to hold off on taking her hand, draping an arm over her shoulder, or kissing her when and how you want—whether the kids might walk in or not. But until she is comfortable, you have to respect her timing. To push her is to make her feel like she's caught in the middle of doing what's right for your relationship and what's right for her kids. And that's a position you may not want to be in for long.
5. You don't like kids.
This should be a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised how many people (men and women, alike) think they'll get over it in time.. only to rediscover later that they never wanted to live with or help raise someone else's children. If you feel this way, own up to it from the start and avoid investing your time and your heart in a relationship that will fail. A similar issue is wanting children of your own when your mate has expressed that she (or he) doesn't want more children. While either of you could change your mind down the road, there's no guarantee that you will. And that puts a lot of pressure on both of you.
Only you can truly know if you're up for dating a single parent. While there are a million bonuses that come with dating into a family, there are some challenges that can be hard to overcome—especially if this is your first time . So above all else, be respectful of your mate. If it's time to say goodbye, do so lovingly and without dragging it on or assuming things will change.
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