WOMEN WHO ARE DIFFICULT TO LOVE by Warsan Shire

POEM BY
 WARSAN SHIRE

 For Women Who Are Difficult To Love(the Somali born Kenyan woman  who;s poetry inspired Beyonce;s lemonade album)
warsanshire blog

You are a horse running alone and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
To a burning house
says ,you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
 want anything but you
you dizzy him,
you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do, love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

PEOPLE WHO ARE DIFFICULT TO LOVE.

WHEN THE WALLS YOU HAVE BUILT TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM PAIN CAUSE YOU PAIN INSTEAD.
See part 1 Women who are difficult to love

The reason we close our eyes before something traumatic happens is because we don't want to see the pain occur. Its the bodies way of protecting itself.

Now translate that into everyday life. Where we go through problems, learn lessons and overcome them.

Our mind also does the same thing especially when it comes to human relationships. We build walls to protect ourselves from being hurt. We do so in different ways.

Sometimes we do so by pushing people away because, they make us feel/experience things in a way we have never felt before which makes us feel uncomfortable. 
Almost like it is a bitter pill to swallow. 
To think that someone could actually love them and their imperfections. 
Can make you wonder how can somebody love me if we don't love myself.

Withholding love is a form of self sabotage .As what we withhold from others we are withholding from ourselves.

We need to remember that one can only give as much love as they have within themselves and which means if you don't have a lot to give .Giving becomes a task .

Sometimes we try so hard to place the blame on everyone/everything else yet we still can't seem to find the enemy. And the truth is simply because we haven't looked deep within ourselves

We sabotage things in our own lives because deep down we feel like we don't deserve them. Which is a result of living a life where you are constantly criticized or a life where you are constantly made to feel less of what you are.
This is where it gets tricky because breaking patterns that have been with you and have seen from those around you is hard.

We sometimes we try avoid making mistakes we see others making and without knowing walk ourselves into the same troubles.
Because avoiding something and dealing with it are two different things.

Live your life truly dont be afraid to feel because emotional suffering is just your body's way of letting you know you are not living your truth.

Live, Love ,Learn ,and please  don't stand in your own way.

INFERTILITY IN WOMEN

sources options available
obstetrician/gynaecologist kenya
kenyan doctors
Its hard to wait around for something you know might never happen;But its even harder to give up when you know its everything you want.
                                           unknown.
Infertility affects both men and women .Today i write about women'
. Infertility can be caused by many different things.Approximately 20 per cent of couples experience fertility difficulties. In most cases, the couple can be helped with assisted reproductive technologies. No cause is found in around one in 10 couples investigated for infertility. This is called ‘unexplained’ or ‘idiopathic’ infertility. A couple is considered to have fertility problems when they have tried and failed to conceive for one year.

The pressure to raise a family can be enormous, and the thought of not being able to have children can make many people feel something is wrong with them.
Recognize that a fertility problem is a crisis. A fertility problem may be one of the most difficult challenges you'll ever face. Acknowledging this is a key to coping,
 Don't punish yourself for feeling this way. Facing and accepting your emotions can help you move beyond them.Don't blame yourself. Resist the temptation to get angry at yourself or to listen to the little voice in your head that's saying, "I shouldn't have waited; I'm being punished for having that abortion; I should have lost more weight or taken better care of my health; I shouldn't have assumed that I could have children when I wanted" or whatever negative thoughts you may be having.
People can get caught in negative thinking patterns that only make matters worse,
Instead of berating yourself, look forward to how you and your partner are going to manage the situation and accept it and then when you are ready  to look at your different choices available. Go into it with open arms both the good and bad. nothing is easy and being a parent is even harder but the sacrifice is  the end is worth it.

Most importantly ,Work as a team with your partner. You and your mate should help each other through this time and definitely not blame each other for your difficulty getting pregnant.This doesn't mean you need to feel the same thing at the same time everyone comes to terms differently the most important hing is to give space then come together and fight together .Thats what marriage or partnership is about.Work together. Educate yourself. Set limits on how long you're willing to try.
Decide how much you're willing to pay. Then always have a plan B.Get support from professionals

Causes of infertility

• Ovulation disordersInfertility is most commonly caused by problems with ovulation (the monthly release of an egg). Some problems stop women releasing eggs at all, and some cause an egg to be released during some cycles, but not others.Ovulation problems can occur as a result of many conditions, such as:polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) – a condition that makes it more difficult for your ovaries to produce an eggthyroid problems – both an overactive thyroid gland (hyperthyroidism) and an underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism) can prevent ovulationpremature ovarian failure – where a woman’s ovaries stop working before she is 40
• Damage to your fallopian tubes. These structures carry eggs from your ovaries, which produce eggs, to the uterus, where the baby develops. They can get damaged when scars form after pelvic infections, endometriosis, and pelvic surgery. That can prevent sperm from reaching an egg.
• Hormonal problems. You may not be getting pregnant because your body isn't going through the usual hormone changes that lead to the release of an egg from the ovary and the thickening of the lining of the uterus.
• Cervical issues. Some women have a condition that prevents sperm from passing through the cervical canal.
• Uterine trouble. You may have polyps and fibroids that interfere with getting pregnant. Uterine polyps and fibroids happen when too many cells grow in the endometrium, the lining of the uterus.
• Unexplained" infertility. For about 20% of couples who have infertility problems, the exact causes are never pinpointed.
• Scarring from surgery Pelvic surgery can sometimes cause damage and scarring to the fallopian tubes.Cervical surgery can also sometimes cause scarring, or shorten the cervix (the neck of the womb).
• Cervical mucus defect When you are ovulating, mucus in your cervix becomes thinner so that sperm can swim through it more easily. If there is a problem with your mucus, it can make it harder to conceive.
• Submucosal fibroids Fibroid s are benign (non-cancerous) tumours that grow in, or around, the womb. Submucosal fibroids develop in the muscle beneath the inner lining of the womb wall and grow into the middle of the womb.Submucosal fibroids can reduce fertility, although exactly how they do this is not yet known. It is possible that a fibroid may prevent an embryo from implanting itself into your womb.
• Endometriosis is a condition where small pieces of the womb lining, known as the endometrium, start growing in other places, such as the ovaries.This can cause infertility because the new growths form adhesions (sticky areas of tissue) or cysts (fluid-filled sacs) that can block or distort the pelvis. These make it difficult for an egg to be released and become implanted into the womb.It can disturb the way that a follicle (fluid-filled space in which an egg develops) matures and releases an egg.
• Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) is an infection of the upper female genital tract, which includes the womb, fallopian tubes and ovaries. It is often the result of a sexually transmitted infection (STI). PID can damage and scar the fallopian tubes, making it virtually impossible for an egg to travel down into the womb.
• SterilisationSome women choose to be sterilised if they do not wish to have any more children.Sterilisation involves blocking the fallopian tubes to make it impossible for an egg to travel to the womb. This process is rarely reversible, and if you do have a sterilisation reversed, it will not necessarily mean that you will become fertile again.
• Medicines and drugsThe side effects of some types of medication and drugs can affect your fertility. These medicines are outlined below.Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs). Long-term use or a high dosage of NSAIDs, such as ibuprofen or aspirin, can make it more difficult for you to conceive.Chemotherapy. Medicines used for chemotherapy (a treatment for cancer) can sometimes cause ovarian failure, which means your ovaries will no longer be able to function properly. Ovarian failure can be permanent.Neuroleptic medicines are antipsychotic medicines often used to treat psychosis. They can sometimes cause missed periods or infertility.Spironolactone – this is a type of medicine used to treat fluid retention (oedema). Fertility should recover around two months after you stop taking spironolactone.Illegal drugs such as marijuana and cocaine can seriously affect fertility, making ovulation (the monthly cycle where an egg is released from the ovaries) more difficult.
• Age Infertility in women is also linked to age. The biggest decrease in fertility begins during the mid-thirties. Among women who are 35, 95% will get pregnant after three years of having regular unprotected sex. For women who are 38, only 75% will get pregnant after three years of having regular unprotected sex.

Infertility in both men and women
There are many factors that can affect fertility in both men and women. These are outlined below.

• Weight Being overweight or obese reduces both male and female fertility. 
• Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)  There are several STIs that can cause infertility. For example, chlamydia can damage the fallopian tubes in women, and cause swelling and tenderness of the scrotum (the pouch containing the testes) in men.
• Smoking As well as affecting your general and long-term health, smoking can also adversely affect fertility. Read more information about quitting smoking.
• Occupational and environmental factors Exposure to certain pesticides, metals and solvents can affect fertility in both men and women.
• Stress If either you or your partner are stressed, it may affect your relationship. Stress can contribute to a loss of libido (sex drive), which in turn can reduce the frequency of sexual intercourse. Severe stress may also affect female ovulation and limit sperm production.

Options available for couples with infertility
After various tests have been done by a professional doctor to find the cause you can now decide the best way forward which include

• In Virtro Fertilisation(IVF)
• Fertility drugs
• Artificial insemination
• Sperm donation
• Egg donation
• Surrogacy
• Donor Embryos
• Reproductive surgery
• Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injections (ICSI)
• Gamete Intra Fallopian Transfer (GIFT)
• Zygote Intra Fallopian Transfer (ZIFT)
• Adoption

In summery i would like to state the importance of seeking out to professional help  and join a support group with couples going through the same, and when the time comes love the child and give the child your absolute best  .

WHAT LOVE MEANS

What Love Truly Means

Love—such a simple word, yet one layered with complexities that seem to shift depending on who you ask. In a world where we are constantly bombarded with glittering images of romance, grand gestures, and the illusion that love must look a certain way, it’s easy to lose sight of its essence. As a feminist in Nairobi, I often reflect on how love has been defined and misdefined, especially for women. What does love truly mean in a society where patriarchy has painted over our realities, sometimes masking love as possession or duty?

Love is freedom. It's the freedom to be your full, unapologetic self in the presence of another, without fear of judgment or ridicule. In a world that tells us to shrink or conform, true love holds space for you to expand, to grow, and to evolve. It doesn't demand that you mold yourself into a palatable version of who you are but rather celebrates your raw, unfiltered existence.

Love is reciprocal. It’s the quiet understanding that for every ounce of care you pour into someone else, that care will be poured back into you—not as a transaction but as a flow. When love becomes one-sided, when it demands all of you while offering nothing in return, it ceases to be love and instead becomes an obligation or a performance.

And then there's self-love, the foundation upon which all other forms of love are built. Patriarchy has long taught women to place their value in how much love they can give to others—be it to a partner, a child, or even a job—while neglecting the love they owe themselves. But to truly love someone else, you must first know how to love yourself. This is not the self-indulgent, Instagram-influencer version of self-love but the deep, sometimes painful work of understanding your own worth, your boundaries, and your desires.

As a Nairobi feminist, I often see love as an act of rebellion. To love oneself, to love another with honesty and respect, to create partnerships built on equality—that is revolutionary in a world that thrives on power imbalances. It is a rejection of the narratives that tell us love must be sacrificial or hierarchical. True love is an equal partnership, one that refuses to chain itself to outdated norms.

And finally, love is action. It’s the quiet moments of care, the consideration of someone else’s needs, and the constant choice to nurture, even when it feels difficult. Love is not passive. It demands effort, but it must never demand our identity, our agency, or our autonomy. Real love lifts; it doesn’t weigh down.

In this world of constant noise about what love should be, perhaps we need to strip it down to its core. Love is respect. Love is equality. Love is freedom. Anything less? That’s not love—it’s control wearing a pretty disguise.

Let us love, yes, but let us love with open eyes.

THE TRADITIONAL ROLE OF WOMAN IN A MODERN SOCIETY

 see below links to related posts
 women-in-cheuvanistic-society.   feminismfeminist.  love-everything-that-makes-you-african.  the-history-of-working-woman.e.   a mothers love  
empoweringwoman-is-empowering-nation.
TRADITION MERGES WITH MODERN.

How do you define the traditional woman? Most people classify her as "A home maker that takes care of her family which is her only priority. A sub missive to her husband."
Who is the modern woman? The urban dictionary defines her as "Having many uses both professional and sexual. The 'Modern Woman' has a job, not entry level, has done very well for herself and maintains or does not maintain a family."

The contradiction is that a woman. Whether or not traditional or modern in her ways is still a woman and has naturally inbuilt senses that are goal and family oriented. The main difference in this case is that. The modern woman has to fight to earn her spot by being educated. So as to build a career to be able to sustain herself and or her family.

How is this different from tradition? Traditionally women would work together in groups to ensure the family has a home and food to eat while the man is out. Some cultures women where the providers and where responsible for the homes day to day living. Translate that into modern times and you see that the woman is doing the same thing. Only that now she can't work on farms she has to go out and get a job. In most cases women have to work longer hours,harder and for less pay.

Today's world has become much harder for families and women have to integrate Working life and home life to ensure the family is well taken care of. She has had to let her voice be heard and set goals,in order to do so, Families more than ever need two incomes to run effectively. Due to the high cost of living. Most couples in the early stages of marriage need to work together hand in hand to build an empire for their families and a lot of the time a woman's achievements are over looked. Yet fewer and fewer men want to marry a woman who can't support her own. Most people seek out women with qualifications because it is important for her to help ease the burden which is associated with 'Money'.

The sacrifice involved in focusing on building a successful career woman is already a high cost and if a woman chooses to make that sacrifice why make it any more difficult on her.When a woman finds a good man she is automatically inclined to build and take care of her home that is an inbuilt sense that cannot disappear just because she is a career woman.

It is rather unfair that women who choose a career are looked down upon and branded unfit wives. In a world where so many people and organisations are working tirelessly to ensure women have equal opportunities in order to achieve their dreams,wants and needs. It is a shame that it is seen as a bad thing.

The traditional woman has evolved into the modern day woman because it has been demanded of her. It is expected of her to be a certain way and if she isn't that way she is branded as unfit. Double standerds which brings me to the questions if the woman has had to adjust and re invent how has the man evolved?if being the sole provider is too much to expect from them. How have they evolved and what sacrifices have they had to make to ensure they encompass the traditional and modern roles instead of abandon their role!

DATING A SINGLE PARENT

TO LOVE IS TO ACCEPT WHAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE

Here are some things you need to know about dating a single parent that lives 

with and takes care of his/her child.

1. The kids will always come first—no matter what. That means that if you have plans with the woman or man you are dating and their child decides he or she needs some mommy or daddy time and so they cancel the date with you, you have to accept it, be OK with it, not resent him or her, AND even respect the fact that he/she is there for the child.

2. The relationship might go slower than you want. Jumping into a serious relationship is a lot easier for those who have never been married and/or who don’t have kids. It’s not easy, but you have to be patient. You are dating a person who has been through all the waves and probably understands more because of their experiences. Before they can take you seriously and ,meet your needs you have to show them ,that you understand what they need .You understand that they have a mini family .If you want to be a part of it , it requires you to be understanding and fully committed otherwise don’t waste your time or theirs if you are not ready.

3. If the divorce/separation is recent or going on, he or she might seem distant at times. No one understands the impact of going through a divorce/separation except for those who have gone through it. It can be draining, frustrating, upsetting, and infuriating, and cause intense anxiety, stress, depression, rage, or sadness. And if someone is going through it, and are still hurting they sometimes want to be left alone. They want to just sit in a room and cry or hug their kids all night while watching TV. It is an extremely emotional time and that person needs to heal. Have respect for that and do not take it personally. The only thing you can do is just be there for them, Time heals all wounds and you will see the benefits of all you have done with time

4. He or She is busy. I know. I know...everyone is busy. But he/she is really busy. When someone is juggling a job, kids, and a social life, they don’t have the time to be on the phone with a new love for hours, and making plans is difficult. The best time to make plans is when the kids are away or when the kids are at school or even when they are asleep. Again, don’t take it personally if they seem distant.

5. His or her self-esteem isn’t the greatest. Maybe her husband left her. Maybe he had to move back home with his parents. Maybe her ex-husband was abusive. There are so many factors that could cause hat person to have low self-esteem, and therefore be holding back a bit. Realize that it’s not you and they have to learn that they age worthy of the best. They will need time to heal past wounds and find themselves again. A lot of patience is the key here.

6. be willing to play things by ear a lot. Dating someone with kids requires a person to be flexible and not have to make plans 10 days in advance. Because, any single parent can tell you things can change at any moment. 

7. Getting involved in his or her separation/divorce is a huge mistake. If he/she vents about her ex or cries or tells you what a jerk he is, don’t make the mistake of hating the ex, too. Just try to be supportive of feelings and be there for the person in any way you can. Give advice, but be careful. You don’t know the whole situation. At the end of the day they still have a kid to raise and will see each other at some point.

8. If you love him or her, you have to love the children, too. It’s a package deal. You really have to want to be a stepmom or dad or you shouldn’t be with that person.

Some men and women can’t handle these things, which is understandable. Just be honest with yourself and make a decision. Sure there is room for a little compromise, but for the most part, the single parent is a parent who needs to be there for his or her children. Accept it or break up. If you can be patient, I think you will enjoy dating a single parent!

Dating a single parent with kids isn't right for everyone. No matter how much chemistry you share, or how much you value your relationship, there will be times when the kids will interrupt your flow. You'll plan a special outing and—boom—someone gets sick. Or you've had a long day and just want to unwind, only to find the kids home. Dating into a larger family has its perks, but it's also a challenge—especially for first timers.

So how can you know up front whether dating a single parent is right for you? Here are several reasons why it might not be a good fit:

TO BE HONEST DON’T DATE A SINGLE PARENT IF

1.You're jealous of her kids   
Okay, let's face it. No one really likes sharing their mate. Jealousy is in our nature as human beings. But when you're dating a single parent, being jealous of her kids will get you nowhere. (Well, that's not quite true; it will send you out the front door—quickly!) While there aren't many dating issues that are black-and-white, this is one of them. If you're jealous of her kids, you're setting your relationship up for failure. There's no gray area here. Being jealous puts her in the middle, which leads to more tension than most relationships can handle. So what are you supposed to do? When you experience jealousy, stop and acknowledge the emotion you're feeling. If, after giving it some thought, you think the issue is worth bringing up with your mate, find some time when the two of you can talk quietly (maybe after  the kids are in bed). Let her know how you're feeling and talk about what you both value in your relationship and why it's important to you. Then, explore how you might be able to share little 'reminders' of how much you each value your relationship in the hectic mix of your everyday lives. 

2. You’re looking for spontaneity. 
If you've never dated a single parent before, you may be used to some degree of spontaneity in your romantic relationships—especially in the beginning. There's just something about being able to drop everything and go off by yourselves that helps to cement your bond. Or maybe you love to travel and can't wait to surprise her with tickets to London or Rome. While that's a beautiful gesture, it may not be possible for a single mom who's parenting entirely on her own, with no co-parent,, and no stand by nanny. If that would be a dating deal-breaker for you, then you probably won't do well dating a single parent. 
3. You resent biting your tongue and letting her parent. 
Especially in the beginning, you should anticipate biting your tongue a lot. Your mate has been parenting on her own for years already, and she's probably not interested in having you step in and critique her parenting style or discipline tactics  The best thing you can do? Wait for her to ask for it before sharing your opinion. (Unless, of course, you're telling her that she's doing a great job with her kids!) Remember, too, that even newly married couples who live with their step-children often hold off on disciplining one another's kids until they've had sufficient time to 'earn the right' to be a co-disciplinarian.

    4. You want to control the timing. 
 Speaking of timing … When you're dating a single parent, you have to respect his or her timing when it comes to introducing the kids and taking your relationship to the next level. One issue, in particular, that many new couples argue about is showing affection in front of the kids. It can be downright hard to hold off on taking her hand, draping an arm over her shoulder, or kissing her when and how you want—whether the kids might walk in or not. But until she is comfortable, you have to respect her timing. To push her is to make her feel like she's caught in the middle of doing what's right for your relationship and what's right for her kids. And that's a position you may not want to be in for long.

5. You don't like kids. 
 This should be a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised how many people (men and women, alike) think they'll get over it in time.. only to rediscover later that they never wanted to live with or help raise someone else's children. If you feel this way, own up to it from the start and avoid investing your time and your heart in a relationship that will fail. A similar issue is wanting children of your own when your mate has expressed that she (or he) doesn't want more children. While either of you could change your mind down the road, there's no guarantee that you will. And that puts a lot of pressure on both of you.
Only you can truly know if you're up for dating a single parent. While there are a million bonuses that come with dating into a family, there are some challenges that can be hard to overcome—especially if this is your first time . So above all else, be respectful of your mate. If it's time to say goodbye, do so lovingly and without dragging it on or assuming things will change.


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POSTNATAL / POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION

SOURCES; Wikipedia, postpartum depression.com 
(See my post on motherhood part 1,dear young moms, motherhood part2, kids its bedtime, never give up, marriage/relationships is not a bed of roses, abusive relationships)

Postpartum depression (PPD), also called postnatal depression, is a type of clinical depression which can affect both sexes after childbirth. 

The difference between PPD and depression?

One difference is the timing: Depression is called PPD when it occurs during the period after childbirth. And unlike depression that's not related to pregnancy, PPD is linked to the unique hormonal changes that occur after childbirth. Researchers think that sudden changes in hormone levels after delivering a baby can trigger depression in women who are more sensitive to shifts in estrogen and progesterone.

Between 0.5% to 61% of women will experience depression after delivery.^[1] Postpartum psychosis occurs in about 1–2 per thousand women following childbirth.^[5]
Among men, in particular new fathers, the incidence of postpartum depression has been estimated to be between 1% and 25.5%.^[6] Postpartum depression is one of the leading causes of the murder of children less than one year of age . As well as suicide for newly mums

 Its mother’s day today and I would like to tribute this post to mothers who have been going through post natal/partum  depression, and to anyone who has been through it .

Becoming a mother has its highs and lows. However it is important to remember that it’s a divine gift from God to give birth to another human being and be part of the creative process that one is entrusted with. This is the responsibility that God entrusted us with and he never gives you something you can’t handle.

You are not abnormal for feeling this way you are not alone and no it doesn’t make you a bad mother. At the end of your day as a mother you just have to give the best you can. A mother is not a super hero she is human too. Do what you can when you can and hope for the best. Everybody has expectations, hopes and dreams and just because some things don’t go as planned doesn’t mean you stop trying. Just believe in the creator that entrusted you with the life you hold in your arms
...
SOME OF THE SYMPTOMS
Symptoms may include sadness, low energy, changes in sleeping and eating patterns,and reduced desire for sex, crying episodes, anxiety, and irritability. While many women experience self-limited, mild symptoms, postpartum depression should be suspected when symptoms are severe and have lasted over two weeks.
The emotional effects of postpartum depression can include sleep deprivation, anxiety about parenthood and caring for an infant, identity crisis, a feeling of loss of control over life, and anxiety due to lack of support from a romantic or sexual partner

·         You feel overwhelmed. Not like “hey, this new mom thing is hard.” More like “I can’t do this and I’m never going to be able to do this.” You feel like you just can’t handle being a mother. In fact, you may be wondering whether you should have become a mother in the first place.

• You feel guilty because you believe you should be handling new motherhood better than this. You feel like your baby deserves better. You worry whether your baby can tell that you feel so bad, or that you are crying so much, or that you don’t feel the happiness or connection that you thought you would. You may wonder whether your baby would be better off without you.
• You don’t feel bonded to your baby. You’re not having that mythical mommy bliss that you see on TV or read about in magazines. Not everyone with postpartum depression feels this way, but many do.
• You can’t understand why this is happening. You are very confused and scared.
• You feel irritated or angry. You have no patience. Everything annoys you. You feel resentment toward your baby, or your partner, or your friends who don’t have babies. You feel out-of-control rage.
• You feel nothing. Emptiness and numbness. You are just going through the motions.
• You feel sadness to the depths of your soul. You can’t stop crying, even when there’s no real reason to be crying.
• You feel hopeless, like this situation will never ever get better. You feel weak and defective, like a failure.
• You can’t bring yourself to eat, or perhaps the only thing that makes you feel better is eating.
• You can’t sleep when the baby sleeps, nor can you sleep at any other time. Or maybe you can fall asleep, but you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep no matter how tired you are. Or maybe all you can do is sleep and you can’t seem to stay awake to get the most basic things done. Whichever it is, your sleeping is completely screwed up and it’s not just because you have a newborn.
• You can’t concentrate. You can’t focus. You can’t think of the words you want to say. You can’t remember what you were supposed to do. You can’t make a decision. You feel like you’re in a fog.
• You feel disconnected. You feel strangely apart from everyone for some reason, like there’s an invisible wall between you and the rest of the world.
• Maybe you’re doing everything right. You are exercising. You are taking your vitamins. You have a healthy spirituality. You do yoga. You’re thinking “Why can’t I just get over this?” You feel like you should be able to snap out of it, but you can’t.
• You might be having thoughts of running away and leaving your family behind. Or you’ve thought of driving off the road, or taking too many pills, or finding some other way to end this misery.
• You know something is wrong. You may not know you have a prenatal mood or anxiety disorder, but you know the way you are feeling is NOT right. You think you’ve “gone crazy.”
• You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you’ve lost the “old you” forever.
• You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you. Or that your baby will be taken away.

 POST PARTUM ANXIETY AND OCD SYMPTOMS

• Your thoughts are racing. You can’t quiet your mind. You can’t settle down. You can’t relax.
• You feel like you have to be doing something at all times. Cleaning bottles. Cleaning baby clothes. Cleaning the house. Doing work. Entertaining the baby. Checking on the baby.
• You are worried. Really worried. All. The. Time. Am I doing this right? Will my husband come home from his trip? Will the baby wake up? Is the baby eating enough? Is there something wrong with my baby that I’m missing? No matter what anyone says to reassure you, it doesn’t help.
• You may be having disturbing thoughts. Thoughts that you’ve never had before. Scary thoughts that make you wonder whether you aren’t the person you thought you were. They fly into your head unwanted and you know they aren’t right, that this isn’t the real you, but they terrify you and they won’t go away. These thoughts may start with the words “What if …”
• You are afraid to be alone with your baby because of scary thoughts or worries. You are also afraid of things in your house that could potentially cause harm, like kitchen knives or stairs, and you avoid them like the plague.
• You may feel the need to check things constantly. Did I lock the door? Did I lock the car? Did I turn off the oven? Is the baby breathing?
• You may be having physical symptoms like stomach cramps or headaches, shakiness or nausea. You might even have panic attacks.
• You feel like a captive animal, pacing back and forth in a cage. Restless. On edge.
• You can’t eat. You have no appetite.
• You’re having trouble sleeping. You are so, so tired, but you can’t sleep.
• You feel a sense of dread, like something terrible is going to happen.
• You know something is wrong. You may not know you have a prenatal mood or anxiety disorder, but you know the way you are feeling is NOT right. You think you’ve “gone crazy.”
• You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you’ve lost the “old you” forever.
• You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you. Or that your baby will be taken away.
• You may also feel intensely self-conscious about your postpartum body and fear being intimate with your partner. An anxiety disorder can also affect your physical health. For example, you might experience muscle tension or have trouble sleeping.

HOW TO COPE WITH PPD
Be good to yourself Make sure your own basic needs are met: Try to sleep and eat well, and do your best not to feel guilty. Having PPD doesn't mean you're a bad mother or don't love your child. After you begin treatment, these feelings of guilt and despair should start to fade.

Don't demand too much of yourself If you have clinical depression or anxiety, it can be hard enough just to get out of bed and face the day. Be gentle with yourself, and take things one at a time.

Ask for support Part of being a good mother knows when to ask for help, so doesn’t be afraid to ask for it during this difficult time. Let your partner know about different ways to help, whether it's taking care of the baby, handling chores, or going with you to doctor appointments. Relatives or close friends may be able to help as well.

Share your feelings Keep the lines of communication open with your partner and talk about what's going on. Call a sympathetic friend. Join a mothers' group or a PPD support group, or chat with moms about postpartum depression in the BabyCenter Community. You may be surprised by how many women are experiencing similar feelings.

Pamper yourself Taking care of your physical self can sometimes help you feel better inside. Have your partner or a friend watch your baby so you can take a shower or a relaxing bath. Put on makeup if you usually wear it. Go on a shopping trip just for yourself and buy something new for your post-baby wardrobe. Wear a favorite outfit on especially difficult days to give yourself a boost.

Get some rest The rigors of caring for a newborn 24/7 can leave you exhausted. Unfortunately, moms with postpartum mood conditions often can't sleep when they want to. But it's still important to take breaks to rest, even if you just read a magazine or watch TV. Taking 10-minute naps is helpful too. Consider hiring a postpartum doula or a sitter experienced with newborns, or asking a relative or friend to watch your baby for an hour or so each day.

Note: Always put your baby on a safe sleep surface (such as his crib or bassinet) before you settle down to rest.

Venture outdoors Put your baby in a stroller and take a walk around the block, or meet a friend at a nearby café. The fresh air, sunshine, and conversation will do you and your baby a world of good. If even a brief excursion is too much for you right now, then just go outside, close your eyes and take a deep breath, or sit in the sunshine for a few minutes.

Slow down Resist the temptation to do the laundry or other chores while your baby sleeps – the housework can wait. Have food delivered, or ask your partner to pick up takeout on the way home. Resist the urge to check your email or phone, and relax with a book and a cup of chamomile tea instead. If you're on maternity leave, don't stress about all the work waiting for you at the office – you'll get back on track soon enough.

Some women are at higher risk for PPD. The strongest predictors of postpartum depression are:

• Depression or anxiety during pregnancy
• Stressful life events during pregnancy or soon after giving birth
• Traumatic childbirth experience
• Preterm delivery
• A baby needing neonatal intensive care
• Lack of social support
• Previous history of depression
• Breastfeeding problems

Other risk factors include:

• Baby blues after delivery
• Unplanned or unwanted pregnancy
• A baby with birth defects or other medical problems
• Multiple babies (such as twins or triplets)
• Family history of psychiatric problems
• Being single
• Low socioeconomic status or financial instability
• Domestic violence
• Unemployment
• Many medical appointments during pregnancy
• Pregestational or gestational diabetes

Remember that these risk factors don't actually cause PPD. Many women with multiple risk factors never experience clinical depression or anxiety, while others with just one risk factor (or even none) can end up with a diagnosis of PPD.

WAYS PPD CAN BE TREATED

The treatment for PPD is the same as the treatment for depression that happens before or during pregnancy. If you have mild symptoms, your provider may recommend watchful waiting with regular check-ins. If your symptoms are more severe, your provider may recommend talk therapy, antidepressant medication, or both.

Talk therapy, also called counseling or psychotherapy, can be one-on-one with your therapist or in a group setting with other women going through a similar experience. In family or couples therapy, a therapist works with you and your partner or relatives.

Antidepressants balance the brain chemicals that regulate your mood. Talk with your provider about the different types of antidepressants – some are combined for best results. You'll probably start to feel better after taking the medicine for three or four weeks.