LIVE LIFE. DONT SURVIVE IT.

See a similar post.
build-on-your-dream-or-someone-will hire you to build theirs
As the year ends i keep hearing "i survived another year".

Being me id like to change your perspective on that so here goes.....

I know too well what it is like to live from day to night and day again. However all it does, is rob you of the days and nights that ,you could have been a step closer to living your dream.

What dream you ask?The dream that seems further and further away. The dream that you break your back for everyday .The dream you believed in . The dream that you let fade away . when you let doubt replace it.

In a world so cold .where nothing comes easy . Dont be fooled .That is how it has been and will remain. Someone else is having it worse whether  you know them or not doesnt change that it is the truth.

Dont be fooled to think slipping into the cracks of life will make life any easier.
You dont have a choice .you either fail or you succeed. Rise when you fall and dont get tired of picking yourself up it gets better the longer you try.

Dont be fooled there is no short cut there is no easy way .Just like in school if you miss a lesson you will  have to put in the effort to learn what you missed out on.

The truth is hard to swallow but when you do swallow .The you that comes out on the other side is a better version of you.

Life is ment for living and living includes ups and downs. Nobody can escape it. We just choose to show the world the sides of ourselves that look the best and in that deception we fool the masses because if we shared more we would heal alot more people.

So to you that feels like survival is the best you can do . Take a walk and look around you from the ants to the trees to the venders on the street everyone and everything is playing their role in life and the ones that get to be missed.

The names you get to hear about are the names of people who lived their best life and never stopped dreaming.

Do not choose to survive because survival takes more out of you than it does benefit you.Dont fall between lifes cracks because you will become apart of the crack and you shall be forgotten.

Live life. Laugh often ,Love everything and above all never stop dreaming .Your best is yet to come.

FEMALE GENITAL MUTILATION KENYA

Alone and abandoned is what it feels.

Nothing has changed. 21st century or not.

I have a secret ,nobody knows.

Its mine to keep ,that always haunts.

I hide behind this smile . it fools you all.

I wished for death the night before. It never came.

"Why mommy why? Arent we to modern for this!"

She turned her back and let them in.

I can still see their faces clear as day. Faces i cant erase.

The scream from my sister .Told me it was my turn next.

I swore to my self not to scream .i bit the wooden spoon and let my tears stain the earth. 

Mother earth hear my cry .For you now know my secret.

So i lay in my bed ,feeling a pain ive never felt.

A pain so deep .it makes me numb.

Betrayal .She turned her back.

Betrayal . Im scared for life.

Was my childhood a lie ! 

They told me aim for the stars. But took the stars from me .

I closed my eyes and wished for sleep.

Where my dreams would give me a new reality.

But my reality had already poisoned my dreams.

Now i await the day i become a wife.Like it or hate it.  It is my fate.

Everyone knows it shouldnt happen ,but nobody came to try and stop it.

What are you doing to put an end to this injustice...... 

BELOW ARE SOME FAQ QUESTIONS ABOUT FGM ANSWERED BY THE ANTIFGM BOARD KENYA

Source: http://antifgmboard.go.ke/

What is FGM?

Female genital mutilation, also known as female genital cutting (FGC) includes all procedures involving the partial or complete removal of the external female genitalia, or any other injury to the female genital organs for non-medical reasons. It is generally practiced on girls between the ages of four and twelve. In some cultures it is performed as early as a few days after birth or shortly prior to marriage. It is one of the most severe forms of Gender Based Violence (GBV).

What are the major types of FGM?

Type I: Clitoridectomy, which is the partial or total removal of the clitoris or the    prepuce.

Type II:  Excision, which is the partial or total removal of the clitoris and the labia minora, with or without the excision of the labia majora or the prepuce.

Type III: Infibulation, which is the narrowing of the vaginal orifice with the creation of a covering seal by cutting and appositioning the labia minora and labia majora with or without excision of the clitoris.

Type IV: Pricking, piercing or incising of the clitoris and/or labia; stretching of the clitoris and/or labia; cauterization by burning of the clitoris and surrounding tissue ; scraping of tissue surrounding the vaginal orifice or cutting of the vagina; introduction of corrosive substances or herbs into the vagina to cause bleeding or for the purpose of tightening.   

Where is FGM practiced?

FGM is practiced in more than 28 countries in Africa, parts of the Middle East, South East Asia, Europe, America and other countries where migrants from FGM-affected communities live.

What reason do the communities that practice FGM give for engaging in the practice?

There are a number of social and economic reasons given:

As a rite of passage to signal that a girl has now become a womanTo reduce the sexual desire of girls and womenTo follow a religious requirement (although there is no evidence that FGM is supported by any religion)To make girl and women cleanTo keep the cultural identity of a communityTo enhance men’s sexual pleasureTo prepare a girl for marriage. Once FGM is performed a girl is seen as being ready for marriage. There is a link between FGM and child marriage.It is believed that FGM ensures a girl’s virginity, making sure she has not had sex with anyone before marriage. This may make men more willing to marry her and pay higher bride price for her.FGM provides circumcisers with a source of income. In some communities traditional leaders and chiefs are paid to give permission for girls to be cut.

 What are the myths vis-a-vis the facts associated with FGM?

MythFactAn uncut woman will become promiscuous and have an uncontrollable sexual appetite.FGM makes no difference to a woman’s sexual appetite but can stop her from enjoying sex. Sexual appetite mainly arises from hormones secreted by glands in the brain.If the clitoris is not cut, it will continue to grow.The clitoris stops growing after puberty and is still small at the final stage of growth.If the clitoris is not cut, it will harm a man during intercourse.The clitoris gives a woman sexual pleasure and does not cause any harm to her or a man.If the clitoris is not cut, it will harm the baby during delivery.The clitoris causes no harm to the foetus, the baby or the mother, whereas FGM may cause serious complications during childbirth.If a woman does not undergo FGM, she will not be able to have children.FGM has nothing to do with fertility; and FGM may actually cause infertility because of infections.If a woman does not undergo FGM, her genital will smell.FGM will not make the vagina any cleaner. In fact, Type 3 FGM (infibulation) can make the vagina less hygienic.

Why is FGM regarded as a human rights issue?

The practice of FGM violates a number of agreed human rights laws and principles approved by the United Nations. These include:

Equality and the right to be free from all forms of discrimination against women;the right to life and physical integrity;the right to good health and wellbeing;Freedom from violence, injury, abuse , torture, cruel, inhuman or undignified treatment;The rights of the child. Children have a special right to health care, safe environments, education and a protected childhood that allows full growth and development.

What are the complications associated with FGM?

FGM can cause both short-term and long-term physical and psychological complications.

Physical complications include:

Extreme pain: FGM is normally performed without any anaesthesia Girls can go into shock because of extreme pain and stress.
Severe bleeding: this is caused by damage to blood vessels. In some cases this can lead to death.Risk of infection: The use of unsterilized blades and traditional methods for healing the wounds may cause serious infections such as tetanus and even HIV.
Difficulty in passing urine and menstruation: due to fear of passing urine or damage to the urinary tract and/or reproductive organs.

Psychological complications include:

Anger at the circumciser or those who arranged for FGM to be carried out.
Emotional distress, fear and feelings of helplessness.Post-traumatic stress disorder: symptoms can include flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, and depression for a long time after FGM.Sexual phobia resulting in fear and difficulties in having sex.Feeling of not being a ‘whole’ or a ‘normal’ girl or woman may be felt by some girls /women because of FGM.Because the clitoris is so sensitive, a woman’s sexual; pleasure is greatly decreased by its removal. This can have negative effects in a marriage and in sexual relations. However, FGM does not take away sexual desire because sexual relations are more than physical; feelings such as love, passion, and companionship are also important for pleasure.

What is the prevalence rate of FGM nationally?

The Kenya Demographic and Health Survey 2014 indicate that 21 percent of women in Kenya have been circumcised. The practice is nearly universal in North Eastern region at 98 percent compared with Eastern region at 26 percent.

Where is the practice of FGM most prevalent?

FGM is high, in varying degrees in the following counties referred as ‘hot spots’: Mandera, Wajir, Garissa, Taita Taveta, Tharaka Nithi, Narok, Kajiado, West Pokot, Baringo, Kisii, Nyamira, Migori (Kuria), Bungoma (Mt. Elgon), Samburu, Isiolo, Marsabit, and Elgeyo Marakwet.

Who are the enforcers of the Anti-FGM law?

Police officers, members of the provincial administration, children’s officers, probation officers, gender and social development officers, and cultural officers.

What are the offences under the Prohibition of the FGM Act, 2011?

The offences are spelt out in part IV of the Act.

 Section 19: Performance of FGM

This section provides, among others, that a person, including a person     undergoing a course or of training while under supervision by a medical practitioner or midwife, who performs female genital mutilation on another person commits an offence.

If in the process of committing an offence under subsection (I) a person causes the death of another, that person shall, on conviction, be liable to imprisonment for life.

It is no defense to a charge under this section that the person on whom the act was involving FGM was performed consented to that act, or that the person charged believed that such consent had been given.

Section 20: Aiding and abetting FGM

A person who aides, abets, counsels or procures a person to commit an offence under section 19; or another person to perform FGM on that other person, commits an offence.

Section 21: Procuring a person to perform FGM in another country

A person commits an offence if he takes another person from Kenya to another country, or arranges for another person to be brought into Kenya from another country, with the intention of having that other person subjected to FGM.

Section 22: Use of premises to perform FGM

A person who knowingly allows any premises, for which that person is in control of, or responsible for, to be used for purposes of performing FGM, commits an offence.

Section 23: Possession of tools or equipment

Section 24: Failure to report commission of offence

A person commits an offence if the person, being aware that an offence of FGM has been, is in the process of being, or intends to be, committed, fails to report accordingly to a law enforcement officer.

Section 25: Use of derogatory or abusive language

Any person who uses derogatory or abusive language that is intended to ridicule, embarrass or otherwise harm a woman for having not undergone FGM, or a man for marrying or otherwise supporting a woman who has not undergone FGM, commits an offence and shall be liable, upon conviction, to imprisonment for a term not less than six months, or to a fine not less than fifty thousand shillings or both.

Section 29: Penalty for the offences

A person who commits an offence under this Act is liable, on conviction, to imprisonment for a term not less than three years, or to a fine of not less than two hundred thousand shillings or both.

REDEFINING BEAUTY IN AN EVOLVING CULTURE

See my post on

/embrace-glorious-mess-that-you-are.

when-your-own-thoughts-bring-you-down.html

I recently heard a song, by the kenyan band sauti sol ,tittled 'melanin' and i loved the concept behind the song.

At a time where ,more and more women are feeling less and less attractive in their natural, God given beauty.It sadens me to see the number of young women that are willing to change their appearance to achieve superficial beauty.

Dont get me wrong every woman has the right to achieve beauty in whatever form they choose.My concern is that. We have gotten to a place where we see what ia wrong with us before we see what is beautiful about us .We have lost sight of our own essence. The uniqueness that is within us. that our creator saw when he perfectly moulded us into who we are .

We have set unrealistic standards for beauty we have been blinded by the illusion of what it is supposed to be. Not what it really is.

We have allowed it to poison our minds and we have spread it to younger generations and they now view beauty for what is external and they become hollow internally .

Unhappiness has evolved to depression and sometimes ends in suicide. This unending quest of beauty ends when we choose to accept it for what it is .

We need to see that beauty comes in all shapes,sizez and even colours . If we where all similar nothing about us would be special the fact that we are all differently special in our own little ways is what adds flavour to life.

To evolve past these preconcieved notions. We need to be able to look ourself. In the mirror and first see all that is right with us and then, be contentent with what we are not.

THE ART OF RECOGNIZING BEAUTY IN WHAT SEEMS BROKEN

YOUR STRONGEST AT THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE BROKEN

 Kintsugi ( "golden joinery"), 
also known as Kintsukuroi ( "golden repair"),
 is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

 Most people throw away anything they break ,because it looses its value or, no longer serves the intended purpose.Some  would like the damages to their broken items to be concealed  and hidden by repair making the object look like new. (As if it never happened.)

 But the Japanese art of Kintsugi follows a different philosophy. Rather than disguising the breakage, kintsugi restores the broken item incorporating the damage into the aesthetic of the restored item, making it part of the object’s history.

This fascinated me because i saw the error in the way i have lived.Simplicity would be to live your life healing the scars you have received on life's path by acknowledging the pain that it caused you. Being aware that you are a different person as a result or what has occurred to you and see the beauty that has risen from the ashes.The person that is ''You Now"Wiser and Stronger because you where broken but you  wore your scars as a badge of honor..

Not forgetting nor escaping.
Not ignoring nor pretending.
Not allowing yourself to be consumed by it.
But by simply accepting that you are broken and that it is apart of your history . Without letting it rob you of your future.

You are who you are because of the choices you have made as a result of what you have been through.
Change your narrative. Change the parts of you that resist your growth and embrace all that you are  (see my post dont-disregard-me-embrace-me.. also embrace-glorious-mess-that-you-are.

THE POWER OF TALK THERAPY

COMMUNICATION WORKS FOR THOSE WHO WORK AT IT.
references
 https://byregion.byregion.net/articles-healers/Communication.html
 http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/importance-of-communication-in-relationshipshttps://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication

Dan Oswald said,''communication must be H.O.T that means ,Honest ,Open and Two way. 
Being in a relationship can be draining . Especially if you cannot meet eye to eye on different issues. To meet someone and fall in love is simple and happens often.

However falling in love with someone and choosing to stay them and whether all the storms that come your way together is something that fewer and fewer people are willing to do 

One thing i can vouch for, above everything i have learnt ,about relationships is that.
Their is nothing more fulfilling than having a heart-filled conversation ,and being able to look at the person lovingly at the end of it all. For years i suffered the curse of bad communication and i made alot of mistakes ,based on the fact that i never understood  alot ,about our relationship .As well as ,realizing how much i had assumed and how much i had mis-interpreted. which was not the case .

However ,after we sat down and realized we love each other and will always want to be involved in each others lives .We started talking and now we talk about everything . We talk more now ,than we did when we met.
Communication in a relationship is extremely important because it acts as the judge, jury and executioner who has the final say on whether your relationship lives or dies. 

 Today the biggest problem in all forms of relationships is that .When it comes to communicating each others needs ,people don't listen to understand what is being said. They listen to reply and they miss out on what was actually being said..

Being able to communicate effectively can also stop needless arguments which occur regularly in your relationships.If  you keep on fighting about the same things.Its because you both have not listened and dealt with the issue in the first place .The only way you can heal each other is by listening to the needs of each other.

Listening is a very important part of effective communication. A good listener can encourage their partner to talk openly and honestly.To create a conducive environment for open communication you can;-

• keep comfortable eye contact (where culturally appropriate)
• lean towards the other person and make gestures to show interest and concern
• have an open, non-defensive, fairly relaxed posture with your arms and legs uncrossed
• face the other person – don’t sit or stand sideways
• sit or stand on the same level to avoid looking up to or down on the other person
• avoid distracting gestures such as fidgeting with a pen, glancing at papers, or tapping your feet or fingers
• be aware that physical barriers, noise or interruptions will make good communication difficult. Mute telephones or other communication devices to ensure you are really listening
• let the other person speak without interruption
• show genuine attention and interest
• use assertive statements like ‘I feel …. about …’, ‘What I need is…’
• be aware of your tone.speak clear and calmly
• be prepared to take time out if you are feeling really angry about something. It might be better to calm down before you address the issue
• ask for feedback from the other person on your listening.

Open and clear communication can be learnt. (We are human and our brains can be trained to do anything.)

Some people find it hard to talk and may need time and encouragement to express their views. These people may be good listeners, or they may be people whose actions speak louder than their words.

You can help to improve your communication by:

• building companionship – sharing experiences, interests and concerns with your partner, and showing affection and appreciation.
• sharing intimacy – intimacy is not only a sexual connection. Intimacy is created by having moments of feeling close and attached to your partner. It means being able to comfort and be comforted, and to be open and honest. An act of intimacy can be as simple as bringing your partner a cup of tea because you can tell they are tired
• being on the same page as your partner. It’s important that you and your partner are both in agreement on key issues in your relationship, such as how finances are distributed, what key goals you have and your parenting styles. 

To improve the way you communicate, start by asking questions such as:

• What things cause conflict between you and your partner? Are they because you are not listening to each other?
• What things bring you happiness and feelings of connection?
• What things cause you disappointment and pain?
• What things don’t you talk about and what stops you talking about them?
• How would you like your communication with your partner to be different?

If possible, ask these questions with your partner and share your responses. Consider, and try, ways to communicate differently. See whether the results improve your communication. When you are more aware of how you communicate, you will be able to have more control over what happens between you. While it may not be easy at first, opening up new areas of communication can lead to a more fulfilling relationship.

• Avoid using the silent treatment.
• Don’t jump to conclusions. Find out all the facts rather than guessing at motives.
• Discuss what actually happened. Don’t judge.
• Learn to understand each other, not to defeat each other.
• Talk using the future and present tense, not the past tense.
• Concentrate on the major problem, and don’t get distracted by other minor problems.
• Talk about the problems that hurt your or your partner’s feelings, then move on to problems about differences in opinions.
• Use ‘I feel’ statements, not ‘You are’ statements.

One thing you have to realize in relationships is that if one person looses you both loose out.
if one person is upset the house becomes hard to be in. 
if one person is not satisfied they cannot satisfy you.
 if one person is not happy it is the beginning of disaster.

LOVE IS EASY AND SO IS FALLING OUT OF IT. THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS COMMUNICATION.

MY LOVELY READERS IN ALL YOU DO LOVE , LIVE ,LEARN LAUGH TOGETHER AND NEVER STOP ACTUALIZING YOUR DREAMS.
 

LONELINESS IN MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIPS

BEING SINGLE ISNT THE CAUSE OF LONELINESS,AND MARRIAGE IS NOT NECESSARILY THE CURE.THEIR ARE SO MANY LONELY MARRIED PEOPLE AS WELL.

BOOK TO READ marriage as God intended by Sewyn  Hughes

(see my posts on embrace-glorious-mess-that-you-are.    marriagelove-is-not-bed-of-roses.html
couples-take-on-love

It's one thing to be lonely when you are single, wondering if and when God will ever bring the right guy. It's another matter for your heart to ache with loneliness when the "right guy" is living in your home and sleeping in your bed. If this is your reality, please know that you are not alone. Behind the facade of family life, many married men and women are lonely.


Being married offers no protection from the dangers of loneliness .

Studies indicate that roughly 20% of the general population suffers from chronic loneliness at any given time, and in one recent study of older adults, 62.5% of people who reported being lonely were married and living with their partner.


Although we might believe marriage can insulate us from the ravages of loneliness, which is not the case. Loneliness is determined by the quality of our relationships not their just by whether we happen to be living with a spouse. Loneliness in marriage often happens slowly, as the disconnection we feel from our spouse gradually increases over years.


At some point, discussions about mutual interests, and goals and dreams cease entirely and conversations become purely transnational“ We need milk,” “Your mother called,” or “Did you remember to pay the this or that bill?”or focused exclusively on parenting .We also fall into daily routines that foster emotional distance .

One person watches television in the evening while the other is on the computer, or one goes to bed at 9 pm and wakes at 5 am while the other goes to bed at midnight and wakes at 8 am. In short, we lose the love and the affection but stay in the marriage; ironically, often out of a fear of being lonely, although by doing so, we potentially doom ourselves to the very loneliness we were trying to avoid


Loneliness is the deepest ache our souls can experience. The grief of losing a loved one, the fear of abandonment, and the sting of rejected love all tap into the same bedrock (fear): I am all alone.

Feeling lonely in marriage allows for doubt and subtle lies we've believed—lies like:  If only you find "Prince Charming," you'll never have to be alone.

If you are in this place of marital loneliness, then you are facing a fork in the road. Before you is a choice: What will you do with your sadness, disillusionment, and fear? Will you run away from God or run to him? My advice to you is ,know that he is always there for us .Run to him and asks him for the strength to whether the storm


Marriage books are filled with advice on how to bridge the chasm between you and your spouse. Working to resolve conflicts, finding common interests, and learning to date your husband are all practical suggestions that can make a difference in your marriage. However, there are some situations which no strategies appear to make a difference. It may even seem like you are destined to merely share space and live as distant roommates.

.

Loneliness distorts how we see the other person and makes us devalue our relationships. We perceive others as less caring, less interested, and less committed than they actually are, and we judge our relationships to be weaker and less satisfying than it is.


In an effort to protect ourselves from even further emotional hurt, we become hyper-alert to any signs of rejection we read into everything the other person does or says .As a result—and often without realizing we’re doing it, become overly defensive and come across as detached, aloof, or even hostile, which only pushes them further away


We typically wouldn’t think that loneliness is a condition that requires urgent intervention, but we should. In addition to the emotional anguish loneliness creates, it puts us at risk for depression and anxiety and causes us to distort our perceptions such that we view ourselves, our lives, and our relationships more negatively

.

How to Combat Loneliness

1. Take the initiative. If you’re lonely, chances are your partner is, too. But they are also probably trapped in a cycle of emotional disconnection and feel helpless to break it. Try to initiate conversations. (See "How to Validate Someone’s Emotions.") Don’t expect them to reciprocate right away, as habits take time to change, but after a few gestures of goodwill they will likely return the favor.


2. Create shared experiences. If your spouse is in the other room watching their favorite show, sit next to them .They may be confused, suspicious, or both, but just be sincere and try to see the show through their eyes, even if it’s not your thing You can also suggest certain activities that require little effort  such as walks, cooking a meal together, watching  old videos .Reminding yourselves of more connected times), or writing a letter.


3. Practice taking their perspective. The longer  you have been in a relationship the more we tend to assume we know what the other person is thinking. But it is not so. We actually have to close our eyes and focus for a few minutes (not seconds) on the other person’s perspective, imagining their world and their point of view within it. Gaining a greater understanding of their  thoughts and feelings this allows you to express more sympathy and understanding toward them—in turn, deepening your mutual bond


4 .Re-create moments. Nothing can bring sparks back in a relationship like e-living a moment ir going back to a place where you had an amazing experience, where the love and passion was alive. Relationships are an investment and you need to keep investing time and effort to ensure its longevity


5.Create new memories. Memories last a lifetime don’t miss out on the new just because your in a bd place make every moment memorable.


IN ALL THINGS LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST ,LEARN , LOVE AND NEVER STOP DREAMING.

DATING A SINGLE PARENT

TO LOVE IS TO ACCEPT WHAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE

Here are some things you need to know about dating a single parent that lives 

with and takes care of his/her child.

1. The kids will always come first—no matter what. That means that if you have plans with the woman or man you are dating and their child decides he or she needs some mommy or daddy time and so they cancel the date with you, you have to accept it, be OK with it, not resent him or her, AND even respect the fact that he/she is there for the child.

2. The relationship might go slower than you want. Jumping into a serious relationship is a lot easier for those who have never been married and/or who don’t have kids. It’s not easy, but you have to be patient. You are dating a person who has been through all the waves and probably understands more because of their experiences. Before they can take you seriously and ,meet your needs you have to show them ,that you understand what they need .You understand that they have a mini family .If you want to be a part of it , it requires you to be understanding and fully committed otherwise don’t waste your time or theirs if you are not ready.

3. If the divorce/separation is recent or going on, he or she might seem distant at times. No one understands the impact of going through a divorce/separation except for those who have gone through it. It can be draining, frustrating, upsetting, and infuriating, and cause intense anxiety, stress, depression, rage, or sadness. And if someone is going through it, and are still hurting they sometimes want to be left alone. They want to just sit in a room and cry or hug their kids all night while watching TV. It is an extremely emotional time and that person needs to heal. Have respect for that and do not take it personally. The only thing you can do is just be there for them, Time heals all wounds and you will see the benefits of all you have done with time

4. He or She is busy. I know. I know...everyone is busy. But he/she is really busy. When someone is juggling a job, kids, and a social life, they don’t have the time to be on the phone with a new love for hours, and making plans is difficult. The best time to make plans is when the kids are away or when the kids are at school or even when they are asleep. Again, don’t take it personally if they seem distant.

5. His or her self-esteem isn’t the greatest. Maybe her husband left her. Maybe he had to move back home with his parents. Maybe her ex-husband was abusive. There are so many factors that could cause hat person to have low self-esteem, and therefore be holding back a bit. Realize that it’s not you and they have to learn that they age worthy of the best. They will need time to heal past wounds and find themselves again. A lot of patience is the key here.

6. be willing to play things by ear a lot. Dating someone with kids requires a person to be flexible and not have to make plans 10 days in advance. Because, any single parent can tell you things can change at any moment. 

7. Getting involved in his or her separation/divorce is a huge mistake. If he/she vents about her ex or cries or tells you what a jerk he is, don’t make the mistake of hating the ex, too. Just try to be supportive of feelings and be there for the person in any way you can. Give advice, but be careful. You don’t know the whole situation. At the end of the day they still have a kid to raise and will see each other at some point.

8. If you love him or her, you have to love the children, too. It’s a package deal. You really have to want to be a stepmom or dad or you shouldn’t be with that person.

Some men and women can’t handle these things, which is understandable. Just be honest with yourself and make a decision. Sure there is room for a little compromise, but for the most part, the single parent is a parent who needs to be there for his or her children. Accept it or break up. If you can be patient, I think you will enjoy dating a single parent!

Dating a single parent with kids isn't right for everyone. No matter how much chemistry you share, or how much you value your relationship, there will be times when the kids will interrupt your flow. You'll plan a special outing and—boom—someone gets sick. Or you've had a long day and just want to unwind, only to find the kids home. Dating into a larger family has its perks, but it's also a challenge—especially for first timers.

So how can you know up front whether dating a single parent is right for you? Here are several reasons why it might not be a good fit:

TO BE HONEST DON’T DATE A SINGLE PARENT IF

1.You're jealous of her kids   
Okay, let's face it. No one really likes sharing their mate. Jealousy is in our nature as human beings. But when you're dating a single parent, being jealous of her kids will get you nowhere. (Well, that's not quite true; it will send you out the front door—quickly!) While there aren't many dating issues that are black-and-white, this is one of them. If you're jealous of her kids, you're setting your relationship up for failure. There's no gray area here. Being jealous puts her in the middle, which leads to more tension than most relationships can handle. So what are you supposed to do? When you experience jealousy, stop and acknowledge the emotion you're feeling. If, after giving it some thought, you think the issue is worth bringing up with your mate, find some time when the two of you can talk quietly (maybe after  the kids are in bed). Let her know how you're feeling and talk about what you both value in your relationship and why it's important to you. Then, explore how you might be able to share little 'reminders' of how much you each value your relationship in the hectic mix of your everyday lives. 

2. You’re looking for spontaneity. 
If you've never dated a single parent before, you may be used to some degree of spontaneity in your romantic relationships—especially in the beginning. There's just something about being able to drop everything and go off by yourselves that helps to cement your bond. Or maybe you love to travel and can't wait to surprise her with tickets to London or Rome. While that's a beautiful gesture, it may not be possible for a single mom who's parenting entirely on her own, with no co-parent,, and no stand by nanny. If that would be a dating deal-breaker for you, then you probably won't do well dating a single parent. 
3. You resent biting your tongue and letting her parent. 
Especially in the beginning, you should anticipate biting your tongue a lot. Your mate has been parenting on her own for years already, and she's probably not interested in having you step in and critique her parenting style or discipline tactics  The best thing you can do? Wait for her to ask for it before sharing your opinion. (Unless, of course, you're telling her that she's doing a great job with her kids!) Remember, too, that even newly married couples who live with their step-children often hold off on disciplining one another's kids until they've had sufficient time to 'earn the right' to be a co-disciplinarian.

    4. You want to control the timing. 
 Speaking of timing … When you're dating a single parent, you have to respect his or her timing when it comes to introducing the kids and taking your relationship to the next level. One issue, in particular, that many new couples argue about is showing affection in front of the kids. It can be downright hard to hold off on taking her hand, draping an arm over her shoulder, or kissing her when and how you want—whether the kids might walk in or not. But until she is comfortable, you have to respect her timing. To push her is to make her feel like she's caught in the middle of doing what's right for your relationship and what's right for her kids. And that's a position you may not want to be in for long.

5. You don't like kids. 
 This should be a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised how many people (men and women, alike) think they'll get over it in time.. only to rediscover later that they never wanted to live with or help raise someone else's children. If you feel this way, own up to it from the start and avoid investing your time and your heart in a relationship that will fail. A similar issue is wanting children of your own when your mate has expressed that she (or he) doesn't want more children. While either of you could change your mind down the road, there's no guarantee that you will. And that puts a lot of pressure on both of you.
Only you can truly know if you're up for dating a single parent. While there are a million bonuses that come with dating into a family, there are some challenges that can be hard to overcome—especially if this is your first time . So above all else, be respectful of your mate. If it's time to say goodbye, do so lovingly and without dragging it on or assuming things will change.


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