TWINKLE LIKE THE STAR YOU ARE.

YOUR DESTINY IS WITHIN YOU BUT IT BENEFITS MORE THAN JUST YOU. YOU IMPACTS THE LIVES OF OTHERS

At some point i woke up and said I was done with the nairobi feminist because I was naive to believe it had reached its end.

So many people asked me why. And to be honest I don't think I had a valid answer. Part of me felt I've done enough. I've said enough . I've helped enough . I've had enough. I'm not enough!

Truly selfish reasons if you ask me. But the thing about being a creative. You can only create art when you are inspired and I lacked that for a while. I lost the plot as someone once told me. That was the truth I was lost. I had strayed far away from why I do what I do and why it's so important to me.  Mostly because I had so much going on.

Funny thing is in all of that I forgot I was going against the grain. I was forcing my body,soul and mind to do things it didn't want to do. And it forced me to stop and listen to the voice within.

I must say what I heard made me feel very apologetic. I heard the words," who said you can just stop! The gift wasn't given to you . To use as you please but to serve . To help . To inspire . To teach . To comfort. It doesn't belong to you it belongs to those you help . Your just the vessel and if you stop what is your worth!

And I tell you I was shocked and humble and humiliated at the same time . I had forgotten we are not placed on this earth to just exist for ourselves . But to be a light to others and in that you have to die of self . Loose all selfishness . Realize that you are only as important as the impact you have on others. Create a little heaven on this dark Earth so that others can begin to want to see the real thing .

Live , learn, laugh , love and never stop dreaming .If you dream it it can happen. If you put in the work from the lessons learnt 

RECOGNIZING THE PAIN BODY WITHIN YOURSELF

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LOOK WITHIN AND REALISE YOU ARE THE PROBLEM

In our lives we all have moments where we want to be at peace within ourselves. However, it seems impossible. It feels like we are stuck and unable to cross that barrier to heal and find peace. I've been at that point of stickiness severally. However what I have learn in those moments is something I repeat regularly on here.  When you go against the grain. When you go against the very fibre of your body, mind and soul.Your  body will not allow you to proceed until you rectify the course of your direction.

We all have a destination we are heading to. To get there we have to realise the reason for our existence, let go of all that holds us back. That is remember you came into this earth with nothing. You will leave with nothing. So absolutely nobody  and nothing is more important than the soul that lives within you.Dont sell yourself short.

Don't allow yourself to be fooled into thinking your past, your present , your future is of key value. Think in this moment what am I doing that gives me peace and shows love and kindness to those around me . Especially  to the strangers you meet, the orphans and the widows.

To find peace you have to look back at all the moments that you have pain / sharp knives in your back allow them to speak . Don't silence them say those things outloud and release the power they have had over you by saying. I will not let you ruin another moment of my life any more.

NEVER REGRET AND NEVER LOOK BACK !

A REASON FOR EVERY SEASON

If I could choose a place to start. It would be at the point where the end is in sight. The point where all the moments of sheer heartbreak, tears ,frustration, fatigue no longer feel like that. Where those moments feel worth it. Where those last few steps get you to the finish line and you get a good cry because it was all worth it and you wouldn't change anything. 

Completion. The feeling of being complete.

When I started this blog. I knew I wanted to share what I have learnt and what I was learning with other people. Now between thinking about it and actually starting it took me months. Mostly because of the amount of vulnerability involved in sharing your story with the world. 

A mom at 21! Terrified!!!

Looking back I see my strength.

I see the pain , I see the joy.

Most importantly I see that what was meant to break me. Gave me purpose , gave me strength. Gave me hope.

I wouldn't change a thing looking back 10 years later I am truly grateful for every moment. Every experience . Every high and every low.

My brother told me .it's always better to have a tough start and a happy ending than the reverse of that. I have held on to that and seen it unravel.

I have shared my story with all . Hundreds of thousands of people. Across the globe I see countries reading my words on my stats that I dream of visiting. I get emails and messages and I am grateful that I had to learn something inorder to share it because, my lessons travel the world and open doors for me to get there in person.

So what I would like to say is . Don't give up. Don't regret, Learn your lesson and trust that Jesus has a plan for it all .

Thankyou every person who has been on this. Journey with me.

SOMETIMES IT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS TO TELL!

Have you ever been mad because you, wanted to stop someone from making a mistake. However, they still make the mistake and then on top of that . They get mad at you for pointing it out and make you the Villain!

What if it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

You volunteered information when they where not ready to deal with it .Instead of them dealing with it .They walk themselves straight into what you where trying to do.

The question is what was your intention when you where telling them. 

Two, how do you think they will react to the information.

Three, do they need to know.

Four, are you going to be ok with what they choose to do with the information.

The most important lesson I've learnt is always ask before you give your opinion or information. Consent is key.

Sometimes the people who don't know all the details are the loudest to speak but what comes out of their mouth is out of the abundance/ lack of within.

Also learn to mind your own business and stay out of other people's business because it has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

Deal with you and only you.

You can only control what you do and how you react and for those reason always choose to be better.

DONT TRY FIX IT OR CHANGE IT JUST LISTEN

LISTENING IS AN ART THAT REQUIRES ATTENTION OVER TALENT , SPIRIT OVER EGO .OTHERS INSTEAD OF SELF

I can be very opinionated and during a therapy session I was challenged to listen. Not just listen be there, be attentive . Be silent  and don't listen to respond but to truly hear what the other person is saying.

To be understood and to understand where a person is coming from  is one of the most amazing gifts you can give.

Communication is key. The lack their of causes a distance that can only be filled with understanding.

The human in us sometimes want to try fix, to save , to improve , to rescue.

However, some people need to hit rock bottom for them to truly want to be helped .

Sometimes we have to learn the lesson .

Sometimes we have to let them learn without us interfering in their process. 

I was once asked, " Who told you that you where created to specifically be their savior. You are only hindering their learning process ."

Word I can only now share with you and hope that you understand sometimes all you need to do is be quiet . Be present . Be there to just listen and do nothing else 

EMOTIONALLY AND VERBALLY ABUSIVE MOTHERS

See my previous post signs you are dating a narcissist

More often than not I have been asked as a feminist what is my take on mother's who have been physically, verbally and  emotionally abusive to their children. Women who are narcissistic in nature and scar their children for life.

And in most cases the follow up question is always do you blame those raised by such mother's for growing up to hate women themselves.

Let me break down to you what that could be like.. Imagine being a little child in a house full of chaos and love .High highs and lows lows . Constant fighting from parents and to make it worse you are forced to pick a side. A home where the woman provides and constantly belittles you. Reminds you how worthless you are and tells the children how bad you are. Or a home where nothing you ever do is good enough . All that is seen is where you fall short. A mother that calls your success from hard work a result of prostitution . And sees nothing wrong with such accusations. A home where you are discouraged from achieving your goals and reminded when you aren't as successful as those around you. 

A home where you are constantly reminded you are inadequate. A home where you are turned against eachother

A woman loved by all outside the home. A perfect and upright God fearing woman  but a source of pain with in it . The perfect narcissist shows love and kindness only to be harsh and cruel the next. Almost as if it's two different personalities living in one person. To the point you would rather starve than go be seen eating food she bought . A woman that sees you as sin and judges you harsher than even God himself.

Imagine being driven into depression/suicide by the same woman who gave birth to you . The worst part being . The cycle continues onto the next generation.

I will start my answer by saying HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE . IT IS FOR YOU TO  DECIDE IF YOU WANT TO BREAK THE CYCLE OR NOT.

Narcissists project their own fears, mistakes and short comings towards you. 

A cruel person is a cruel person irregaress of gender.Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent tend to suffer from at least some of the following as children and as adults: anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-blame, indecision, people-pleasing tendencies, difficulties with emotional intimacy, and codependent relationships.

One thing about a narcissist is their monumental weakness in the narcissist is the failure to look internally and flesh out what needs to be worked on within themselves. They constantly look for faults in the lives of other people.

How to Outsmart a Narcissist.

Separate yourself to cut off their narcissistic supply.

Take time to heal.

Take responsibility for your part in a conflict.

React with empathy and respect.

Act unresponsive around them.

Disengage from their conversations.

Set and enforce clear boundaries.

 .

To end this blog I would like to say if you have gone through a hard time as a result of a loved one . I want you to know that you are not alone. You are loved . You are appreciated. You are not a burden . You have value . You are beautiful .  You are an amazing human being. You are worth it all and although you are not where you want to be you will get there don't lose faith.

Just keep swimming (in Dorys voice)

If you would like to be part of a support group please feel free to send me your contact info and name via the contact form at the bottom of this blog or on your right.

SIGNS YOUR IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

I share this post as a tribute to the ongoing #dontexcuseabuse campaign 

Sources:Gender Violence Recovery Centre kenya, sanctuary for abused,
children of parents narcissistic tendancies

The below signs are from sanctuary for the Abused written by licenced Psychologists link is above. The signs listed apply  to both men a women

As long as you want better for yourself you can achieve anything.Their is no need to suffer alone in silence if there is someone/organisations willing to help .Don't go through this nightmare alone someone does care for you and will help you ..If the signs are visible don't wait till you have broken ribs! or worse.If in kenya click the gender violence recovery link to get help. ITS NEVER TOO LATE TO GET HELP

Below are some of the signs

Unemployed or Underemployment.
Underemployment is not necessarily an objective phenomenon; it may be the subjective response to the man's failing to meet his own expectations. Educational and occupational attainment frequently is less than wife's, such status discrepancies are painful even should the husband bring home a higher salary.

Emotional Dependency.
Emotional dependency on the spouse is usually not recognized or understood, but is expressed through demands for constant reassurance and gratification. This may explain in part why spouse abuse often begins during wife's pregnancy.

High Investment in Marriage.
Wants to preserve marriage at any cost and will go to great lengths to do so. In the event of separation or divorce, tends to immediately replace lost spouse with a new partner.

Boundaries.

• Violates your personal space.
• Intimidates you by getting too close.
• Touches, pinches, grabs you against your will.

Quick Involvement.

• Sweeps you off your feet.
• Love at first sight.
• "You're the only one for me."
• "I have to have you." "I think about you all day / all night"
• Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged, sleeping together in less than 6 months or living together in less than 12 months.

Controlling Behavior.

• Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long.
• Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses.
• Protective to the point of controlling.
• Says he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares."
• Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school. Won't let you drive.

Jealousy.Angry about your relationship with other men, women, coworkers, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.

Abusive Family of Origin.
Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. He sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.

Low Self-Esteem.

• Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho.
• Pumps up his fragile sense of self with sex.
• Imagines you threaten his manhood.
• Damages your self-esteem, demeans your growth, demands your silence.

Alcohol/Drug Abuse.

• Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high.
• He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.

Difficulty Expressing Emotions.

• Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately.
• He may say he's "hurt" and sulk when he's really angry.
• He displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.
• Blame Shifts; he's never responsible for what happens.

Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems.

• Believes others are out to get him and he's the victim.
• Blames you for everything that goes wrong.
• Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you.
• Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive or sexual- acting-out behavior.

Hypersensitivity.
Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.

 Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.

Unrealistic Expectations.

• Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need").
• Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.

Rigid Gender Roles.

• Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him.
• Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs.
• Speaks for you.
• He thinks it's OK for men to keep women "in line" by force or intimidation.

  Rigid Religious Beliefs.
 Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.

Disrespect for Women in General.

• Ridicules and insults women, sees women as stupid and inferior to men
• Tells sexist jokes ("dumb blond", "PMS" jokes).
• Refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms ("babe", "chick", "fox", "bitch") or as specific parts of anatomy
• Sees women only as sex-objects, uses prostitutes or has affairs
• De-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens.

Emotional Abuse.

• He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid"
• curse and yell at you
• belittle your accomplishments
• manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics
• humiliate you in private or public
• Uses sarcasm and says it's 'humor.'
• regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or
• wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.

Isolation.

• An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot.
• Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car.
• He'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a whore," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids."

  Reliance on Pornography.

• Rapists, child molesters and men who sexually abuse or rape their wives or other women often have an abundance of pornographic literature, internet bookmarks, magazines, or videos.
• They may want to involve you in their interest by photographing you or taking you to pornographic movies or shops.
• They may coerce you into doing things sexually you are uncomfortable with or wouldn't normally do and then say that you "liked it" or "asked for it."

Sexual Abuse.

• Refuses platonic relationship if dating
• uses "playful" force in sex
• uses sulking, sympathy or anger to manipulate you into having sex
• emotionally coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts you during sex
• demands sex when you're scared, ill, tired or
• starts to have sex when you're asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.

Cruelty to Animals, Children, or Others.

• Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, disabled weaker people or other women.
• Is insensitive to others' pain.
• Tortures or kills pets to feel powerful or hurt you.
• Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave.
• Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you.
• Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers).

Past Violence.
Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive (Batterers beat any woman they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it).

Fascination with Weapons.
Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to "get even" with you or others. Tells you he knows how to kill someone and/or how to hide bodies; or that he has 'friends' who will 'take care of you'.

Threats of Violence.

• Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously.
• He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck" or "I'm out to get you now."
• Posts threats or defamatory material about you on the internet.

  Breaking or Striking Objects.

Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books or break lamps). Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."

 Any Force During an Argument.

Hurts you in anger or in "play", pushing , shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning.