WHAT LOVE MEANS

What Love Truly Means

Love—such a simple word, yet one layered with complexities that seem to shift depending on who you ask. In a world where we are constantly bombarded with glittering images of romance, grand gestures, and the illusion that love must look a certain way, it’s easy to lose sight of its essence. As a feminist in Nairobi, I often reflect on how love has been defined and misdefined, especially for women. What does love truly mean in a society where patriarchy has painted over our realities, sometimes masking love as possession or duty?

Love is freedom. It's the freedom to be your full, unapologetic self in the presence of another, without fear of judgment or ridicule. In a world that tells us to shrink or conform, true love holds space for you to expand, to grow, and to evolve. It doesn't demand that you mold yourself into a palatable version of who you are but rather celebrates your raw, unfiltered existence.

Love is reciprocal. It’s the quiet understanding that for every ounce of care you pour into someone else, that care will be poured back into you—not as a transaction but as a flow. When love becomes one-sided, when it demands all of you while offering nothing in return, it ceases to be love and instead becomes an obligation or a performance.

And then there's self-love, the foundation upon which all other forms of love are built. Patriarchy has long taught women to place their value in how much love they can give to others—be it to a partner, a child, or even a job—while neglecting the love they owe themselves. But to truly love someone else, you must first know how to love yourself. This is not the self-indulgent, Instagram-influencer version of self-love but the deep, sometimes painful work of understanding your own worth, your boundaries, and your desires.

As a Nairobi feminist, I often see love as an act of rebellion. To love oneself, to love another with honesty and respect, to create partnerships built on equality—that is revolutionary in a world that thrives on power imbalances. It is a rejection of the narratives that tell us love must be sacrificial or hierarchical. True love is an equal partnership, one that refuses to chain itself to outdated norms.

And finally, love is action. It’s the quiet moments of care, the consideration of someone else’s needs, and the constant choice to nurture, even when it feels difficult. Love is not passive. It demands effort, but it must never demand our identity, our agency, or our autonomy. Real love lifts; it doesn’t weigh down.

In this world of constant noise about what love should be, perhaps we need to strip it down to its core. Love is respect. Love is equality. Love is freedom. Anything less? That’s not love—it’s control wearing a pretty disguise.

Let us love, yes, but let us love with open eyes.

MATERNAL HEALTH AND ITS LINK TO POST PARTUM DEPRESSION

Maternal health encompasses the well-being of women during pregnancy, childbirth, and the postnatal period. It plays a crucial role in determining the physical, mental, and emotional health of both mother and child. A critical aspect of maternal health that has garnered increased attention is the mental health of mothers, particularly postpartum depression (PPD), a significant mental health issue affecting a large number of women after childbirth.

Maternal health is a broad term that covers the health care women receive before conception, during pregnancy, and after childbirth. It includes prenatal care, labor and delivery, and postpartum care, all of which are vital to ensuring positive outcomes for both the mother and child. Good maternal health care reduces risks such as maternal mortality, infant mortality, and pregnancy-related complications.

In recent years, much attention has shifted from physical maternal health alone to integrating mental health care. This shift acknowledges the profound link between a mother's mental health and the broader family dynamic, as well as the developmental outcomes for children.

What is Postpartum Depression (PPD)

Postpartum depression is a mood disorder that affects women after childbirth. It is more severe than the "baby blues"—the short-term emotional changes often experienced right after delivery. PPD can occur any time within the first year after birth and can range from mild to severe. Symptoms of PPD include:

Persistent sadness or feelings of hopelessness

Extreme fatigue or lack of energy

Changes in appetite or sleep patterns

Difficulty bonding with the baby

Anxiety, irritability, or mood swings

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt

Thoughts of harming oneself or the baby

The exact causes of PPD are not fully understood but are thought to be linked to a combination of hormonal, environmental, emotional, and genetic factors.

Several factors contribute to an increased risk of developing PPD, including:

1. Biological Changes: After childbirth, women experience a sharp drop in estrogen and progesterone levels, which can lead to mood swings and depression. Additionally, thyroid levels may drop, leading to fatigue and depressive symptoms.

2. Psychosocial Factors: Women who lack social support, experience marital or relationship problems, or have a history of mental health disorders (such as depression or anxiety) are at a higher risk of PPD. Stressful life events like financial instability or the death of a loved one can also be contributing factors.

3. Physical and Emotional Exhaustion: Caring for a newborn is physically and emotionally draining. The stress of adjusting to the demands of motherhood—often compounded by a lack of sleep—can increase the likelihood of postpartum depression.

4. Previous Mental Health History: Women with a history of depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues before or during pregnancy are at a higher risk for postpartum depression.

The Link Between Maternal Health and Postpartum Depression

1. Poor maternal physical health can contribute to the onset of PPD. Conditions such as prolonged labor, complications during delivery, or chronic illness can leave mothers feeling physically drained, making them more susceptible to mental health struggles. Additionally, pain or discomfort following childbirth (such as from cesarean sections or perineal tears) may heighten stress levels.

2.  Increasingly, health care providers are recognizing the importance of screening for mental health conditions as part of standard maternal care. Early detection through questionnaires or interviews can help identify women at risk of PPD, allowing for timely interventions.

3. Hormonal Fluctuations: The physical changes in a woman’s body during and after pregnancy are profound. The sudden drop in reproductive hormones after childbirth is often considered a trigger for PPD. Women with underlying hormonal imbalances may be more sensitive to these fluctuations.

4.  Socioeconomic status can heavily influence maternal health. Women from lower-income backgrounds may lack access to quality prenatal and postpartum care, increasing their risk of both physical and mental health complications. Stressors such as financial instability or inadequate housing can exacerbate feelings of hopelessness or anxiety, contributing to the development of PPD.

Addressing Maternal Health and Postpartum Depression

1. Ensuring that all women, regardless of socioeconomic background, have access to comprehensive prenatal and postpartum care is critical. Health systems need to integrate mental health services into maternal health care, including counseling, support groups, and medications when necessary.

2.  Educating mothers and their families about the potential risks of PPD and maternal mental health in general can help reduce stigma and encourage early intervention. Mothers should be encouraged to seek help without fear of judgment.

3. Family, friends, and communities play a crucial role in supporting new mothers. Providing emotional support, practical help, and companionship can reduce feelings of isolation that often contribute to PPD.

4.  Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), counseling, medication, and other therapeutic approaches can help women manage PPD. In severe cases, medical intervention, including antidepressants, may be necessary under the supervision of a healthcare provider.

Lastly.Maternal health is an intricate blend of physical, emotional, and psychological factors, and postpartum depression underscores the deep connection between mental and physical health during and after pregnancy. Early detection and intervention are key in preventing the long-term effects of PPD on both mothers and their children. Ensuring that maternal health care includes comprehensive mental health screenings and support can lead to healthier outcomes for mothers, infants, and families as a whole.

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RUIN IS THE ROAD TO TRANSFORMATION

 Understanding Growth Through Adversity

The phrase "ruin is the road to transformation" carries profound wisdom about the nature of growth and change. It suggests that moments of failure, loss, or destruction often serve as catalysts for deep transformation. 

Whether in relationships, careers, or personal lives, the most challenging and devastating experiences can be the very moments that push us toward growth and renewal. But what does this really mean, and how can we apply this concept to our own lives?

When we face ruin, whether it’s the collapse of a dream, a relationship, or even a part of our identity, it can feel like the end. In these moments, it's natural to feel overwhelmed by pain, uncertainty, and fear. However, this concept reminds us that ruin is not just an ending—it is also a beginning. It is the destruction of something that no longer serves us, creating space for something new to emerge.

Often, it’s in the aftermath of ruin that we are forced to confront our deepest selves. The security blankets we’ve relied on—whether they are external successes, relationships, or identities—are stripped away, leaving us exposed. It’s in this raw state that true transformation can occur, because we are compelled to rebuild from the ground up.

Historically, transformation is often preceded by destruction. Think of natural examples like forest fires that clear away dead trees and brush, allowing for new life to flourish. The same can be true for us on a personal level. The end of one chapter forces us to reflect, reassess, and ultimately rebuild something stronger and more aligned with who we are becoming.

 In Hinduism, the deity Shiva represents both destruction and creation, embodying the belief that something must be dismantled for new life to take its place. This cycle of death and rebirth is also seen in many other belief systems, reinforcing the idea that the collapse of old structures is essential for transformation.

In moments of personal ruin, people often discover strength, resilience, and wisdom they never knew they had. These experiences force us to let go of what no longer works and to face the truth of who we are and what we want out of life. The painful process of letting go can reveal our deeper values, helping us to refocus on what truly matters.

The process of transformation through ruin can also help us develop a deeper sense of empathy and understanding for others. Having gone through hardship, we often become more compassionate and open to the struggles of others, building a richer, more connected life.

Throughout history and in popular culture, we find countless examples of individuals who experienced profound ruin only to rise from it stronger and transformed:

J.K. Rowling is famous for having been rejected by multiple publishers, going through poverty and struggles as a single mother before becoming one of the world’s most successful authors. Her "ruin" ultimately led her to create the transformative world of Harry Potter, which became a global phenomenon.

Steve Jobs, after being ousted from Apple, the company he co-founded, described his public failure as one of the best things that could have happened to him. It allowed him to rediscover his passion for innovation and eventually return to Apple to lead the company to unprecedented success.

Nelson Mandela, after spending 27 years in prison, emerged not as a broken man but as a transformed leader, ready to lead South Africa through a peaceful transition from apartheid to democracy. His personal "ruin" became a foundation for global change and reconciliation.

These stories highlight the power of ruin not just as an obstacle, but as a pivotal turning point toward transformation. Each individual faced devastating setbacks but used those experiences as fuel for profound personal and professional growth.

How to Embrace Ruin in Your Own Life

1. Acceptance: The first step in navigating ruin is accepting that it has happened. Rather than resisting or denying it, acknowledge that this is part of the journey and a necessary step toward something new.

2. Reflection: Take time to reflect on what the ruin reveals. What no longer serves you? What needs to be left behind in order for you to move forward? This is a crucial step in understanding the purpose behind the destruction.

3. Letting Go: One of the hardest parts of transformation is letting go of old patterns, people, or beliefs that no longer align with your new path. This might mean releasing comfort zones, toxic relationships, or limiting mindsets.

4. Rebuilding: After reflection and letting go, begin rebuilding. This part of the process may take time, and it’s important to be patient with yourself. Transformation is gradual, but with each step, you are creating something more authentic and aligned with who you are becoming.

5. Embracing Vulnerability: Transformation requires vulnerability. Being open to failure, uncertainty, and discomfort is essential for growth. Recognize that vulnerability is a strength and that it allows you to deepen your connections with others and with yourself.

While ruin is often viewed negatively, the phrase invites us to reframe our thinking. Instead of seeing failure or destruction as final, we can see it as an integral part of our evolution. Ruin is the breakdown of what was, allowing us to rebuild ourselves and our lives in a more authentic and powerful way.

By embracing ruin as a part of life’s natural cycle, we can approach challenging times with resilience, knowing that transformation is on the other side. It is through these experiences that we grow, not just into stronger individuals, but into the most authentic versions of ourselves. Ruin, though painful, is the fertile ground from which transformation and new beginnings can flourish.

UNEMPLOYMENT WITHIN A RELATIONSHIP

The loss of a job can make anyone feel like giving up. However it's even harder when you have been the provider. It can make a huge dent in any relationship. The question becomes how do you support your partner through this? It requires a balance of emotional support, encouragement, and practical assistance

Here are a few ways you can try be supportive 

1. Offer Emotional Support:

Be empathetic: Acknowledge their feelings of loss, frustration, or anxiety. Let them know it's okay to feel down and remind them that you're there for them.

Listen actively: Sometimes they may just need to vent. Avoid giving advice immediately—just listen and validate their emotions.

2. Avoid Pressure:

Don’t rush them: While it's important to encourage them to start looking for new opportunities, avoid pushing them too hard or making them feel like they need to "bounce back" immediately.

Reassure them: Remind them that losing a job doesn't define their worth. Focus on their strengths and accomplishments, and affirm that better opportunities will come.

3. Help with Practical Steps:

Offer assistance with job searches: Whether it's helping them look for job listings, offering to review their resume, or even role-playing for interviews, showing that you're there to support them in practical ways can be uplifting.

Help structure a routine: Suggest creating a daily schedule that includes job searching, but also time for self-care, exercise, and relaxation. This helps maintain balance and mental well-being.

4. Encourage Self-Care:

Promote healthy habits: Encourage them to stay active, eat well, and rest. Physical well-being can have a significant impact on mental health and resilience during tough times.

Suggest hobbies or skills development: Learning something new or focusing on hobbies can keep them motivated and mentally stimulated while they look for their next role.

5. Be Patient:

Allow space for emotions: The process of finding a new job can take time, and it's important to remain patient. Avoid showing frustration or disappointment if things don’t progress quickly.

6. Celebrate Small Wins:

Acknowledge progress: Even small steps, like submitting an application or updating a LinkedIn profile, are worth celebrating. Positive reinforcement can keep them motivated.

By showing that you're supportive without being overbearing, you can help your partner regain their confidence and move forward positively.

AVOIDING COMPLACENCY IN A RELATIONSHIP

30 Deep Questions Couples Should Ask Each Other to Avoid Complacency in Their Relationship

In any long-term relationship, there’s always the potential for complacency to creep in. 

To maintain a healthy, evolving bond, it’s important to regularly engage in deep, meaningful conversations. These discussions can help couples better understand each other, address unresolved issues, and continue growing together. 

Below are 30 questions designed to foster connection, reflection, and intimacy.

1. What are some dreams or goals you have now that we haven’t discussed yet?

Over time, personal goals may change. Understanding where your partner stands today can help you support each other’s growth.

2. Is there something we used to do together that you miss?

Reflecting on past activities may spark ideas for reconnecting in the present.

3. What do you feel is currently missing in our relationship?

Asking this encourages openness about any gaps or areas needing improvement.

4. What is one thing I do that makes you feel loved and appreciated?

Knowing what makes your partner feel valued can strengthen your emotional bond.

5. What is something you feel you don’t express enough to me?

This question helps uncover feelings or thoughts that may have gone unspoken, offering a chance to deepen understanding.

6. How do you feel about the way we handle conflict?

Discussing conflict resolution can improve how you navigate challenges together.

7. Are there any habits or routines we’ve fallen into that you think might be unhealthy for us?

Reflecting on patterns can help identify areas where complacency may have settled.

8. When was the last time you felt truly connected to me?

This can open up a conversation about the quality of your emotional connection.

9. Is there something you need from me that I haven’t been providing?

Understanding unmet needs can prevent future misunderstandings or feelings of neglect.

10. How do you envision our future together?

Discussing the future ensures you’re both aligned in your vision of the relationship.

11. What’s one thing you would like us to do more often together?

This encourages planning activities that can reignite intimacy and shared joy.

12. What’s something about me that you think I don’t realize but you love?

Discovering these small yet meaningful observations can create a deeper sense of appreciation.

13. Is there anything you’ve been holding back from sharing with me?

Allowing your partner to express any withheld feelings can clear the air and bring you closer.

14. What are your current fears or anxieties about our relationship?

This question invites vulnerability, helping you address any underlying concerns before they grow larger.

15. How do you feel our intimacy has evolved over time?

Discussing intimacy, both emotional and physical, is key to staying connected in a deep, authentic way.

16. Is there a way I could support you better in your personal goals?

Offering support shows that you’re invested in each other’s individual growth, which benefits the relationship as a whole.

17. What’s something I could do to surprise or delight you more?

Keeping spontaneity alive can prevent the relationship from feeling stagnant.

18. What’s one thing you admire about me that you don’t tell me often?

This can deepen your emotional bond by allowing space for admiration and appreciation.

19. Do you feel like we are still growing together?

This is a crucial check-in to ensure both partners feel like they’re evolving alongside each other.

20. What’s something you think we should start doing to strengthen our relationship?

Whether it’s new habits or practices, discussing ways to improve can re-energize your bond.

21. Do you ever feel like I take you for granted?

Acknowledging the possibility of taking each other for granted can lead to more mindfulness and gratitude in daily interactions.

22. How can we make our time together more meaningful?

This prompts a discussion about how to be more intentional with the time you spend together.

23. What’s a fear you have about our relationship’s future?

Addressing fears openly can help you work through them together, ensuring they don’t create distance.

24. What’s something new you’ve learned about yourself recently?

Sharing personal growth insights fosters continued understanding and intimacy.

25. Do you feel like I listen to you enough?

Listening is key to a healthy relationship, and this question ensures you’re both feeling heard and valued.

26. What’s something I could do to make you feel more respected in our relationship?

Respect is a cornerstone of love, and checking in on this ensures that both partners feel seen and honored.

27. Do you feel like we’re a good team? Why or why not?

Discussing how well you work together can highlight areas of strength and places for improvement.

28. What’s something we could let go of to bring more peace into our relationship?

Whether it’s old grudges, unnecessary arguments, or bad habits, letting go can create space for healthier dynamics.

29. How can we better balance our time between work, friends, family, and each other?

Balance is essential in relationships, and this question encourages a conversation about prioritizing your partnership amidst life’s demands.

30. What does love mean to you now compared to when we first met?

As time passes, the meaning of love can evolve. Revisiting this can help you understand how your relationship has grown and what love means in this stage of your lives.

Conclusion

Complacency can sneak into even the strongest relationships if partners stop actively engaging with each other. By regularly asking thoughtful, deep questions, couples can maintain a dynamic connection, nurture their bond, and grow together. These questions are not just about addressing problems but also about celebrating each other, learning more, and ensuring that the relationship continues to evolve.

DEALING WITH TOXIC BABY MAMA'S/ BABY DADDY'S

the above image can also refer to baby daddy and father of  your child 

Before I begin I would like to say . Every healing journey has its ups and downs. The decision to separate is always tough. The most important thing to do. Is to ensure a loving environment for your kids .

Set your pride aside and work through things. I speak about this from experience but more so from a woman's perspective. 

Dealing with jealousy from your partner's ex, especially if they share a child, can be emotionally challenging, but it’s important to approach the situation with maturity and empathy.

After all, you have accepted  to be in a relationship with someone who comes with "baggage" .Having being in love with someone and having kids with that person means they share a bond and will share it for the rest of their lives.

Now don't get me wrong! That doesn't mean that they can sometimes take things too far.

Here are some ways to handle it:

1. Maintain Clear Boundaries

Make sure that both you and your partner have healthy boundaries in place with the ex. Your partner should take the lead in communicating these boundaries, especially around co-parenting and interactions that are strictly related to their child.

2. Have Open Communication with Your Partner

Talk to your partner about how you feel without making accusations. Express your concerns about the jealousy and ask for reassurance. This helps ensure you and your partner are on the same page.

3. Respect the Co-Parenting Relationship

Understand that they will have to maintain a relationship for the sake of the child. Respect their need to co-parent while ensuring that you and your partner continue to prioritize your relationship.

4. Stay Calm and Avoid Confrontation

Reacting to the jealousy with anger or resentment will likely make the situation worse. Try to remain calm and not engage in any direct conflict with the ex. Let your partner handle any issues that arise between them.

5. Build Trust

Strengthen the bond and trust between you and your partner. If your relationship is secure, jealousy from outside won’t have much of an impact. Trust is key to overcoming these challenges.

6. Focus on Yourself

Don’t let someone else's insecurities or jealousy take a toll on your well-being. Focus on maintaining your confidence, independence, and sense of self.

7. Empathy and Understanding

Consider that the ex may still be struggling with their feelings about the breakup or feeling replaced. While you don’t need to tolerate toxic behavior, a little empathy can sometimes go a long way in understanding why they may feel jealousy.