EMOTIONALLY AND VERBALLY ABUSIVE MOTHERS

See my previous post signs you are dating a narcissist

More often than not I have been asked as a feminist what is my take on mother's who have been physically, verbally and  emotionally abusive to their children. Women who are narcissistic in nature and scar their children for life.

And in most cases the follow up question is always do you blame those raised by such mother's for growing up to hate women themselves.

Let me break down to you what that could be like.. Imagine being a little child in a house full of chaos and love .High highs and lows lows . Constant fighting from parents and to make it worse you are forced to pick a side. A home where the woman provides and constantly belittles you. Reminds you how worthless you are and tells the children how bad you are. Or a home where nothing you ever do is good enough . All that is seen is where you fall short. A mother that calls your success from hard work a result of prostitution . And sees nothing wrong with such accusations. A home where you are discouraged from achieving your goals and reminded when you aren't as successful as those around you. 

A home where you are constantly reminded you are inadequate. A home where you are turned against eachother

A woman loved by all outside the home. A perfect and upright God fearing woman  but a source of pain with in it . The perfect narcissist shows love and kindness only to be harsh and cruel the next. Almost as if it's two different personalities living in one person. To the point you would rather starve than go be seen eating food she bought . A woman that sees you as sin and judges you harsher than even God himself.

Imagine being driven into depression/suicide by the same woman who gave birth to you . The worst part being . The cycle continues onto the next generation.

I will start my answer by saying HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE . IT IS FOR YOU TO  DECIDE IF YOU WANT TO BREAK THE CYCLE OR NOT.

Narcissists project their own fears, mistakes and short comings towards you. 

A cruel person is a cruel person irregaress of gender.Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent tend to suffer from at least some of the following as children and as adults: anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-blame, indecision, people-pleasing tendencies, difficulties with emotional intimacy, and codependent relationships.

One thing about a narcissist is their monumental weakness in the narcissist is the failure to look internally and flesh out what needs to be worked on within themselves. They constantly look for faults in the lives of other people.

How to Outsmart a Narcissist.

Separate yourself to cut off their narcissistic supply.

Take time to heal.

Take responsibility for your part in a conflict.

React with empathy and respect.

Act unresponsive around them.

Disengage from their conversations.

Set and enforce clear boundaries.

 .

To end this blog I would like to say if you have gone through a hard time as a result of a loved one . I want you to know that you are not alone. You are loved . You are appreciated. You are not a burden . You have value . You are beautiful .  You are an amazing human being. You are worth it all and although you are not where you want to be you will get there don't lose faith.

Just keep swimming (in Dorys voice)

If you would like to be part of a support group please feel free to send me your contact info and name via the contact form at the bottom of this blog or on your right.

SIGNS YOUR IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

I share this post as a tribute to the ongoing #dontexcuseabuse campaign 

Sources:Gender Violence Recovery Centre kenya, sanctuary for abused,
children of parents narcissistic tendancies

The below signs are from sanctuary for the Abused written by licenced Psychologists link is above. The signs listed apply  to both men a women

As long as you want better for yourself you can achieve anything.Their is no need to suffer alone in silence if there is someone/organisations willing to help .Don't go through this nightmare alone someone does care for you and will help you ..If the signs are visible don't wait till you have broken ribs! or worse.If in kenya click the gender violence recovery link to get help. ITS NEVER TOO LATE TO GET HELP

Below are some of the signs

Unemployed or Underemployment.
Underemployment is not necessarily an objective phenomenon; it may be the subjective response to the man's failing to meet his own expectations. Educational and occupational attainment frequently is less than wife's, such status discrepancies are painful even should the husband bring home a higher salary.

Emotional Dependency.
Emotional dependency on the spouse is usually not recognized or understood, but is expressed through demands for constant reassurance and gratification. This may explain in part why spouse abuse often begins during wife's pregnancy.

High Investment in Marriage.
Wants to preserve marriage at any cost and will go to great lengths to do so. In the event of separation or divorce, tends to immediately replace lost spouse with a new partner.

Boundaries.

• Violates your personal space.
• Intimidates you by getting too close.
• Touches, pinches, grabs you against your will.

Quick Involvement.

• Sweeps you off your feet.
• Love at first sight.
• "You're the only one for me."
• "I have to have you." "I think about you all day / all night"
• Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged, sleeping together in less than 6 months or living together in less than 12 months.

Controlling Behavior.

• Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long.
• Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses.
• Protective to the point of controlling.
• Says he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares."
• Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school. Won't let you drive.

Jealousy.Angry about your relationship with other men, women, coworkers, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.

Abusive Family of Origin.
Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. He sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.

Low Self-Esteem.

• Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho.
• Pumps up his fragile sense of self with sex.
• Imagines you threaten his manhood.
• Damages your self-esteem, demeans your growth, demands your silence.

Alcohol/Drug Abuse.

• Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high.
• He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.

Difficulty Expressing Emotions.

• Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately.
• He may say he's "hurt" and sulk when he's really angry.
• He displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.
• Blame Shifts; he's never responsible for what happens.

Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems.

• Believes others are out to get him and he's the victim.
• Blames you for everything that goes wrong.
• Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you.
• Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive or sexual- acting-out behavior.

Hypersensitivity.
Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.

 Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.

Unrealistic Expectations.

• Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need").
• Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.

Rigid Gender Roles.

• Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him.
• Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs.
• Speaks for you.
• He thinks it's OK for men to keep women "in line" by force or intimidation.

  Rigid Religious Beliefs.
 Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.

Disrespect for Women in General.

• Ridicules and insults women, sees women as stupid and inferior to men
• Tells sexist jokes ("dumb blond", "PMS" jokes).
• Refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms ("babe", "chick", "fox", "bitch") or as specific parts of anatomy
• Sees women only as sex-objects, uses prostitutes or has affairs
• De-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens.

Emotional Abuse.

• He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid"
• curse and yell at you
• belittle your accomplishments
• manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics
• humiliate you in private or public
• Uses sarcasm and says it's 'humor.'
• regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or
• wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.

Isolation.

• An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot.
• Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car.
• He'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a whore," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids."

  Reliance on Pornography.

• Rapists, child molesters and men who sexually abuse or rape their wives or other women often have an abundance of pornographic literature, internet bookmarks, magazines, or videos.
• They may want to involve you in their interest by photographing you or taking you to pornographic movies or shops.
• They may coerce you into doing things sexually you are uncomfortable with or wouldn't normally do and then say that you "liked it" or "asked for it."

Sexual Abuse.

• Refuses platonic relationship if dating
• uses "playful" force in sex
• uses sulking, sympathy or anger to manipulate you into having sex
• emotionally coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts you during sex
• demands sex when you're scared, ill, tired or
• starts to have sex when you're asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.

Cruelty to Animals, Children, or Others.

• Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, disabled weaker people or other women.
• Is insensitive to others' pain.
• Tortures or kills pets to feel powerful or hurt you.
• Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave.
• Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you.
• Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers).

Past Violence.
Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive (Batterers beat any woman they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it).

Fascination with Weapons.
Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to "get even" with you or others. Tells you he knows how to kill someone and/or how to hide bodies; or that he has 'friends' who will 'take care of you'.

Threats of Violence.

• Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously.
• He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck" or "I'm out to get you now."
• Posts threats or defamatory material about you on the internet.

  Breaking or Striking Objects.

Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books or break lamps). Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."

 Any Force During an Argument.

Hurts you in anger or in "play", pushing , shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning.

FEMININE ENERGY

I've been seeing a rise in people wanting to embrace feminine energy . And using feminine energy to get your man to provide for you and alot more and I thought I would find a way to help you my readers understand what feminine energy is so that you don't get mis guided into something someone is preaching without having all the facts 

So before I get into what I have learnt I would like to take us back to the story of creation . God decided to make woman because the man was lonely and he also wanted to give the traits a man lacked to woman.  ( Book to read king's daughter by Diana hagee ) see my post on before you Cary on with this post for more depth. .........

A letter to woman-part-1

He took adam's rib and made woman meaning we where created with both male and feminine energy. Within us think of it as the perfect balance like Ying and yang for it to flow it must balance.

However over time we have had to adapt many roles in life and we tent to Lose our balance.

Society expects us to be the best cooks in the kitchen, the best mothers to our children, sexual goddesses in the bedroom, and be excellent with our finances and look good while doing it with the perfect body shape ,hair, nails and outfit to match.

All while climbing the ladder of success – wearing high heels, no less! It’s exhausting. 

I think it's time we honor our own path. It’s as simple as that. Stop buying into the lie that women are “supposed to” . Throw out any unrealistic expectations you may have as a result of what American culture has told you about being a woman. Just be you.

WHAT IS THE DIVINE FEMININE?

The Divine Feminine is the feminine aspect of the divine power that connects and binds the Earth together. In other words, it is the goddess energy that exists within all of us. Many ancient cultures have a Divine Feminine concept. The Egyptians had Isis, the Greeks had Aphrodite, and the Hindus have Shakti. Aspects of the Divine Feminine can be found in almost all ancient and modern belief systems.

The Divine Feminine is often associated with fertility, creativity, and intuition. Tapping into this energy can help heal the mind, body, and soul of women in addiction recovery.

DIVINE FEMININE QUALITIES

To start, let’s turn to the dictionary. Divine has many definitions, but the one that stands out is “supremely good, heavenly, Godlike.” Feminine also has several meanings, but this one seems the most appropriate: “the embodiment or conception of a timeless or idealized feminine nature.” Let these two definitions roll around your head for just a moment. Remember, we are talking about the spiritual aspect of what it means to be human. Understanding the Divine Feminine is a tall order! Here is a list of qualities that describe this sacred energy:

Emotional

Right-brained

Action is oriented to the experience of joy rather than an outcome

Emotional strength

Seeks self-mastery but is more concerned with sacrificing for the greater good

Extroverted, open

Vulnerable and nurturing

Cooperative

Wants to “be” rather than “do”

Gentleness, sensitivity

Defines success by relationships

Concerned with creativity

Makes decisions based on intuition

Focused on the emotional world and the inner being

The Divine Feminine can also get out of harmony. When it does, these characteristics go to an extreme end of the spectrum. If a man or woman does not properly channel their femininity, they can become codependent, overly emotional, irrational, sacrificial to their own detriment, disorganized, confused, and lost. This results in dysfunctional relationships and contributes to mental health issues like bipolar disorder, constant burnout, a lack of productivity, a loss of self-worth, a “damsel in distress mentality,” and the inability to complete projects.

THE FEMALE MOON CYCLE (MENSTRUAL CYCLE)

Menstruation is a cyclical process, as are the phases of the Moon — from new moon to waning crescent. Little wonder, then, that poets, philosophers, and scholars have, over the centuries, drawn parallels between the two, suggesting that they might be connected.

The mystique of the Moon and that of female bodies — at a time when medicine was in its infancy — led Greek philosopher Aristotle to claim, in the 4th century before the common era. Age-old parallels between the menstrual cycle and the phases of the moon have likely also led to some females referring to their periods as “moon cycles” to this day. 

Popular belief and many works of literature suggest that there may be some synchronicity between menses and the phases of the Moon.

That may be based on the similarity of duration between menstrual cycles and lunar cycles.

One full revolution of the Moon around the Earth takes 27 days, 7 hours, and 43 minutes. A moon phase cycle, during which the amount of Moon surface that we are able to see from Earth waxes and wanes, takes 29.5 days.

The length of menstrual cycles can be in the range of 25–30 daysTrusted Source, with the median duration of a menstrual cycle being 28 days.

One 1986 study — which Sung Ping Law, from the Department of Gynecology at the Canton Traditional Chinese Medical College in Guangzhou, conducted — did seem to find a link between menstrual and lunar cycles.

The research, which appears in the journal Acta Obstetricia et Gynecologica ScandinavicaTrusted Source, studied the cycles of 826 female participants, aged 16–25 years, over “4 lunar months in different seasons.”

The study concept, the author writes, “was based on the concept of traditional Chinese medicine that human physiological rhythms display synergism with other natural rhythms.

Women’s monthly menstrual cycle is a mirror twin of the lunar cycle. No matter our age, what developmental phase of life we are in, whether we bleed every month or not, whether we have had a hysterectomy or not, the Moon is embodied within the physical and energetic core of every woman. Together the Womb and the Moon create a woman’s natural rhythm of life.

In previous posts I have shared the monthly cyclical rhythm of La Luna and the wisdom embedded within it. Like a cosmic life-coach, each month the Moon invites us into a rhythm of visioning and dreaming, planning and gestating, emergence and growth, action and manifestation, reflection and rest. Each phase of the Moon coaches us in the art of living; inviting us to create a magnum opus from our lives.

Each phase of the Moon is also embedded within our wombs. Energetically speaking, the New Moon is the phase of menstruation, the Waxing Moon is the pre-ovulation phase, the Full Moon is the time of ovulation, and the Waning Moon is the pre-menstrual phase of the month. The Moon is - metaphorically, energetically, and cosmically - in you.

Sources. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/menstrual-cycles-and-lunar-cycles-is-there-a-link#Synch-or-no-synch?

https://treesisters.org/blog/the-moon-in-you

PERIOD SHAMING

The menstrual cycle is a series of natural changes in hormone production and the structures of the uterus and ovaries of the female reproductive system that makes pregnancy possible. The ovarian cycle controls the production and release of eggs and the cyclic release of estrogen and progesterone. The uterine cycle governs the preparation and maintenance of the lining of the uterus (womb) to receive an embryo. These cycles are concurrent and coordinated, normally last between 21 and 35 days, with a median length of 28 days, and continue for about 30–45 years.

My daughter just turned 10 and was learning reproduction and her homework was for me to explain to her how babies are made and to explain the female reproductive cycle.

First things first . We had this conversation before very vaguely it started from a bird delivering a baby to the door . To a seed growing in my belly and coming out vaginally ( because I had explained to her about a vagina) but now I had to explain to her in depth.

A part of me morned a little because she's now clearly not my tiny princess but a pre teen as she likes to remind me. She's excited about becoming a teenager and getting her period. 

My first reaction was honey there's nothing exciting about your period especially because or cramping and I felt my words start to become negative so I took a deep breath and told her to let me think about how to explain it all .

Why you ask. Well I'm from the generation where sex was called 'bad manners' . Where your mother danced around the topic and avoided it for you to learn about most of the basics in school. Where you are told it is your secret and nobody should know you are on your period . Whereboys are encouraged to explore their sexuality but women are told to hide in shame not even look or touch themselves. Also my Muslim back ground where you are considered unclean.

So you can imagine I had to choose to break the cycle and approach the subject with love. Match her excitment , educate and still let her know that sexual assault and rape is also a reality.

About a week before . The country had been shocked with a senior government official walked into parliament in a white suit stained with period blood. See she wanted to create awareness and that she did. Sparked a debate and a conversation after being asked to leave parliament.

Outrage how dare she!

I read a quote that said, "Tradition is peer pressure from dead people."  And I thought what truth. We should be proud of our heritage but we should also know that we are living in different times. The old rules can't apply in an era where our experiences are different than those experienced by our forefather's/mother's.

We are the new generation and we need to choose to raise the next Generation loving everything that makes them feminine and teach our boys to champion for women's rights.

It starts with us as mothers and if we don't change the thought processes of our children when they are young we will have the same shame and patriarchal society we hate now.

See my next post on how the woman's cycle is linked to the moon and about how to embrace your devine feminine energy.

YOU CANT RUN AWAY FROM YOUR DESTINY

I really don't want to. I don't feel like it . Let me just forget about it all together!  And find something else to do instead! It doesn't have to be this way! It's too much work! Run away!

We try  outrun the things we know we well to do . Thinking if we avoid it long enough maybe it will go away . Sometimes it's fear. Sometimes we really don't know how to get it done. Sometimes it feels like an uphill battle. Sometimes it's just the fear failure .

It reminds me of the story of jonah and the whale. He tried to run and endup stuck in a whale having to face the fact that he can't out run his destiny. And was submarined to his destination to do what it was he was meant to do.

Procrastination is hindering yourself from achieving your goal . Why stop yourself why be your own hindrance to success . Be your greatest cheer leader . Let your within be the force that helps you move forward. 

The graveyard is the richest place on earth, because it is here that you will find all the hopes and dreams that were never fulfilled, the books that were never written, the songs that were never sung, the inventions that were never shared, the cures that were never discovered, all because someone was too afraid to take that first step, keep with the problem, or determined to carry out their dream.

THE POWER OF A STORY

Once upon a time there was..... And against all odds they did it ..... So can you .

HOPE

Sometimes that's all you really need. Hope. The belief that you to can overcome each hurdle to get to whatever it is you desire . From that job to that home , to that life ,to that car ,to that award, to whatever it is that is for you.

Now this occured to me in a series of events. As a writer and a story teller I tell my stories and the stories of those that I encounter. Now what happens when you need a story that gives you as the writer that hope you need? It's one thing to help people find hope but it's another when you have to find hope for yourself.

We always look up when we need an answer , we always look within and outside of us.

However, most times . We want to see a person , who has been through something similar. Overcome something , we are going through .To show us that there is hope after all. Life is a series of paths like a maze  some paths lead to dead ends.

Some that's take you further away from where you want to go .

Some paths take longer and others get you there faster .

What I believe is you are your own story. You write your story every day. The steps you take . Get you to where you are going. Don't be the passenger in your own life. Don't be the bystander . Take every step with confidence even when you fuck up.

But don't forget to see very clearly where you want to end up because that is how you get there.

Find inspiration in your own story (your past) and see how you overcame something and be your own flame of hope .

Use your own inner flame and nurture it so that it keeps you warm and strong . The days you don't feel so strong . Find your sunshine .Find the story that gives you a push to let your greatness flow.

THIS GIRL

See the thing is, I know this girl,

See I know this girl, beauty and brains this girl.

Heart of gold this girl, with some spots of ice .

This girl lights up a room but can still shut off the lights . Damn this girl!

See this girls been through 

Not to much this girl but just enough to want to stop it all.

The thing is this girls got a flower that's that brightens up her days.

See I know this girl tough on the outside girl.

Like pieces of a puzzle.

Only get to see the picture when you fit the pieces kind of girl.

Wants it all this girl, curves out a way this girl .

Gives it her all this girl but stops and pauses to carve out a new path when it seems to get further away from having it all.

See I know this girl tough as a nail this girl 

But soft as a petal .

See I met this girl now a woman this girl but what she said is don't forget you are still a girl .

YOU KNOW YOUR PATH DONT DOUBT IT .

Sometimes the journey to becoming who we are meant to be can be draining and we doubt the process because it seems harder than we feel we can handle.

I love saying this affirmation when that happens.

I release all my pain, hurt and fears from my past.

I allow myself to change ,grow and step into my light.

I am safe . I am strong . I am worthy 

I am powerful beyond measure.

Today all my troubles are behind me.

Today all the loneliness I feel has disappeared.

God is within me and  around me  

His love encases me and  I am bound for success.

We are born to add value to those around us. We have a unique assignment that no one else can complete.

 We are an important part of nature. 

Deep within us we can see the place we want to end up and we make decisions that lead us to our final destination. 

If you keep your eyes fully focused on what you have to do (tunnel vision) .Not taking your eyes of the prize and not allowing negativity to creap in and try to sway us off the path we will get there.

Spend time allowing yourself to be successful . Allow yourself to win .Give yourself permission. Because you do deserve it .

It's not luck. It's not by chance .

It's the path you where set to be on.

So allow yourself to attract all that the universe is trying to give you.

WONDERING SOULS .

If we where both two perfect beings would it be easier to accept eachother. Or does our past make it easier to hold on . Or is it the picture perfect future we could have.

If this was the hardest it was going to be should they face it alone or should they be there to hold eachother up .

Imagine the stories they would share on that swing facing the mountains.

Two souls far and close seem so much further than closer most days .Yet when they lock eyes its more than words can express. Peace, perfection . Home.

Would it be easier to pull the rope in the same direction rather than tug in different directions out of fear. To find it all and to loose it all or to gain it all.

If our existence was long and hard just for us to survive  to take care of those we love . Doesn't that mean at one point we would have to stop to  find our new selves and rediscover who we are now and start to take care of ourselves by taking care of eachother.

The tree that caught fire said let go. The fragile angel said hold on . The bleeding roses said i wasn't the cause . Yet the heart of the compass continued to point to its true north.

Time will tell. Time has told and time continues to say many things but are you listening.